For anybody who is interested in a bit of history, here is my original thread
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=018475We have agreed to separate, verbally. I have a call in to an attorney, no call returned, I will be following up on Monday. He is still in the house, it may take a bit before he moves, but he has agreed to move - we just need to get some finances in order, and I am willing to work with him on that. I want it to be peaceful, and he says he does too, but I don't know if we'll be able to pull this off. Our situation is complicated and involves ownership of a business... and I'm financially dependant even though I work full time plus in the business... it's a big complicated mess.
Long story short, 15 years married, 20 years as a couple, 2 kids, 10 and 12.
He had EA in ~95-97 while in marriage counselling. Discovered this in early 98. Plan A (although I did not know that was what it was) was executed successfully then - but at that time he was living in one city, I was in another as we were trying to relocate for employment and it took 2 years to sell the homestead. We survived that, I learned to trust again. Forgave but not forgot.
Over the years we've had many issues - EN not being met, SF not happening... my shortfall was his SF, his shortfall was my EN.
Over the years I've busted him in many lies, mostly about porn and marajuana use. He's currently on Anti-D meds, but I found he was smoking pot again, and surfing porn. As of last week we have a verbal agreement to separate. Have not been sleeing in same room for many months, he had the bedroom until he went away on business this past week, I took back the bedroom this week. His big issue seems to be that he gets a charge out of doing stuff behind my back - sometimes porn, pot, or even cigarette smoking - the "crime" doesn't have to be that much (although the pot smoking is a huge issue with me and porn a close second), but it's the furtiveness and lying that kills it for me. This time I caught him with pot and that was the final nail. I'm not going to lose my kids over this man - if he doesn't care about us, I'm going to care about the kids. He made his choice.
We own a business - this morning I went in to work early. He called me from home to announce that he'd found a strange pair of boxers in his underwear drawer (he was out of town Wed-Thu-Fri on business) - As God is my witness, I have no idea whose they might be or where they came from. His brother has been here a couple of times since Christmas, and my son has slept over at a friend's for more than a night, and I asked son if he had borrowed underwear - he said no. We have been chronically behind on laundry for many weeks, and my daughter and I caught it up while he was away - so God only knows how long the underwear might have been in a hamper or a dirty child's room... my son's room is a nightmare and he got it cleaned up while H was out of town. That included a mountain of dirty laundry.
I'm clearly being accused of something - of which I am not guilty.
Ever notice it's hard not to look guilty even when you aren't?
The subject was dropped quickly this morning as we had work to do in the business, but when we came home I asked about said underwear - he said that he had disposed of them in the dumpster near our shop. I really don't want to go dumpster diving - but I find myself thinking that either he A) Realized he was looking at his own underwear and is too stubborn to fess up to that. or B) He fabricated the whole thing, to see how I'd react.
Either way, I have done nothing wrong here - so why do I feel so badly? I go to work, I come home. I have not had any guests at all in the house - male or female - my house is usually a mess I'd be to embarassed to invite anybody over, let alone somebody who would leave "laundry" behind.
Somebody told me that a liar will always accuse others of lying because they are so used to lying themselves, that they expect others to do the same. Ya think?
I've tried very hard to own my share of the things that have lead to the demise of my marriage - but this is not one of them.
Any thoughts on this? I'm feeling that I'm not dealing with a rational person anymore... but I'm not feeling very rational myself anymore.
CompliKated
