Hi I am fairly new to this Board, But I am in need of advice, I have been married for 5 years and we have 2 children, My husband loves the Chat rooms, and one day I found pictures of himself, (not Nude or anything like that) and became curious, Well one morning I woke up before him and noticed that his phone was beeping, with a message of course ( cell phone ) and I looked and sure enough it was a long distance number,and it was as I had suspected all along. Although we live in Ga and she lives In Oregon, I cannot stand this hurt and pain that he is causing me.
He leaves every night and Goes to the "store" to call this woman, she knows that he is married and I have even spoken with this woman who does not seem to care, I asked my husband to stop also, but of course he does not, he will leave the house late for the store and stay gone for hours at a time. I have asked him if he wants to leave me and he says no, but I don't understand why this relationship with her is so important? I have done everything I can to be a good wife and mother, and I am very confused right now, this has been happening since January, and I am fed up if I mention it to him it seems to make him want to call her more, like I am nagging, I have prayed about this and I don't know how I should handle this anymore, only with Gods help have I kept my marriage together so far...
Any advice?
Thank you!
Ck

At the least, your H sounds to be involved in an emotional affair. My H's very quickly turned physical. You need to get into counseling, and try to get him to go to. I don't know how you can 'force' him to do anything, except maybe have consequences for his actions. He IS breaking his marriage vows and neglecting your needs for this other woman. I know how much it hurts but I give you credit for wanting to make things better. Basically, you have to help him to see that he can't have both. I'm sure others will have more ideas for you. Good luck and keep posting

[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I get so hurt by this...there are some great resources here:<p>www.focusonthefamily.org<p>and here: www.firesofdarkness.com
(wives can see the effect of online porn or porn in general)<p>and here is my bible study sight: www.kingschapel.org<p>Listen! THIS HURTS! Oh boy do I know that but FIGHT about it! Don't pretend like it'll go away! Believe me! It doesn't!<p>I am winning it's been 2 weeks since he was looking at porn.<p>Plus....I am fighting the no sex battle...my husband is so sick in porn that he no longer desires sex at all...just porn. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Kinnzz
I know this hurts. I've been there too. This woman is filling an emotional need for your H, making it difficult for you to do it.
Have you read the basic concepts on this site? If not, spend a little time, find out all you can on this site. You might also want to spend some time in the General Questions sections because it gets a lot more traffic. You might also want to get the books on this site "Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs, Her Needs".
Even though this is may not be a physical affair, it sounds like it is an emotional affair that is impacting you the same way. The information presented on this site will give you ideas for an approach to deal with all of this. Its simple, but difficult to do sometimes.
Take care of yourself in the meantime. You are fortunate that your H is still at home and you have an opportunity to work on the marriage. But do it in an informed way.
In my case, I used the techniques recommended by the Harleys. Even though some of the things were COMPLETELY against what I felt like doing, I did them anyway because it made sense to me.
Right now you have to show your husband what life could be like without this other person. Avoid "love busters" at all costs. Use this site to vent instead. Try to find out what his emotional needs are, and try to meet them - at least those that he will let you meet. Read, read, read, and post.
In my case, my husband became very sneaky and protective of his computer. Became furious if I got near it (even though I am more computer literate than he). He was trying to hide things. Of course, I got into the computer anyway and discovered his indiscretions. EEEEYYYYYUUUUK! Thus began our road to recovery.
Man, I totally wanted to die in the beginning. Literally. So don't think you are abnormal. If you do some research, you will find out how common this all is, and there is a way to deal with it. The best part is, that you can feel great about yourself while you are working on it.
I hope this helps. Big hugs to you...and don't forget to take care of yourself!

Hello Wucus here:
Your story sounds so much like mine. I know how much this hurts you. But we are lucky in the sense our WS have not seen their spouses and touched them. What I found helpful was giving my WS an ultimatum with consequences. They seem to feel that it is harmless fantasy to indulge in these relationships. My H blamed me for allowing it to happen saying I was not giving him what he needed. At first I bought it then I got mad and gave him the choice. Her or me. He still did not make a decision. And through installing a keyboard recorder (wonderful tool) I discovered he was still in contact with this woman in another country and was even planning on seeing her. I went to work on them both. I befriended her and tried to show my H how sick this was. I also asked him to leave, which he did. He needs to know how it feels to ruin his marriage for a stranger. I keep repeating the mantra, "I am all the woman any one man will ever need." So I work on making that true. And you know what? Eventually, H will see that and hopefully it will not be too late. Confidence is powerful!!!! You have choices too. Take control don't let him decide if he wants the marriage. It is your marriage too. What do you want. How is he meeting your needs? It is less scary to make demands but it is oh so necessary. Good luck, I will pray for you and everyone else like us. You are not alone. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

The hurt will likely seam less heart wrenching when it makes sense. I agree with the earlier post. Order His Needs Her Needs from Amazon and while you are waiting read that which is available on this site. I would caution you to not get caught up in anger or revenge. Love is much better and once you understand how it( the OW) happened you will see how to get rid of her. May God be with you

Kinnz03, <p>I posted here once or twice before in the past, for I am a former "other woman". And yes, the "internet kind", if that is what you are wondering. <p>Don't exaclty know why I came to this site tonight, was just finishing up somethings at work and kind of wandered over here. <p>Well, let me start by saying that, whether you believe me or not, I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry becuase I personally feel things very deeply, all things, not just hurt and pain. <p>I can tell you a little about on line affairs, but I will not share my story with you, for this board is not intended to be a support board for me. <p>What I can tell you about on line affairs is that they are very dangerous. My friends that are married and knew that I was in one always said that they could bear the pain of their husband going off and having wild crazy sex with another woman better then knowing that their husband had an emotional attachment to someone else. <p>I guess what I am trying to say, ( and maybe I am not communicating it very well), is that you need to do something about this, for yourself and your well being, not his. <p>On line affairs are very very Dangerous. I now think that they are more dangeous then "real life" ones. While I did eventually meet the Married Man that I was speaking to for over 5 months, I neer let it escalate to anything sexual. That was one line I could not cross. <p>On line affairs are very complicated. Ending an on line affair also has some major repercussions. In my instance, when it ended, I was completely heartbroken. I have only recently come to realize that the big reason why I got involved in it was becuase I was so unhappy, (23, just graduated college, couldn't find a job, moved back home till I could get back up on my feet financially after living on my own for almost 5 years). This man filled a void in my life, as I know that I filled one in his. <p>On line affairs are just so dangerous. Not only did it affect me emotionally, but it has also put so many doubts in my mind. Like, what if when I am married, my husband becomes unhappy and turns to the internet and women out there to fill voids in our marriage. I also know that all women on line are not these terrible, mean, vindictive people, for I am not one. <p>However, I also know that an on line affair has many phychological effects for all parties involved; the Married person, the betrayed spouse and the other person. <p>My heart does go out to you. No matter what, I hope that you don't chose to take this lightly, and that you chose to really address the issue. Yes, I believe that even on line affairs are cheating. Yes, I was the "other woman" for a few months. <p>Please don't let anyone tell you that it is not a serious thing to worry about, for it is. I hope that you are able to work things out with husband, just as I hope that xMM is able to work things out with his wife, and not starting up chatting with another woman now that we don;t talk anymore. <p>As for the woman not being able to let go, yes, I have to admit iti s hard. And there are days when I want to talk to him. BUt I have to keep reminding myself that he's married. End of story. <p>I say all of this with kindness, not bitterness or anything. <p>I hope that you are able to heal and find answers, with or without your Husband. He needs to stop this now, not only becuase of his marriage being at stake, but because he has now made another person, so be it a woman, part of the life that you share together. <p>I hope that she is able to let go in time, for her own mental wellbeing. God knows it took a while for me to let go. <p>Good luck with everything.

I agree with letting him go...I too was the OW in an internet affair...I cut mine off before meeting him in person....I agree that internet affairs cause much emotional damage to ALL parties involved...

Why are internet affairs so intense and addicting?? Because the people participating do not ever SEE each other. Their attraction is based off of text, thoughts, and fantasy. Their imaginations fill in the gaps and pieces of reality. How can you compete with a fantasy? This other woman does not ever have razor stubble on her legs, bad breath, or zits!! The truth be known he is probably lying to her, and saying things to make her think she has a "chance". SO don't think it's all HER fault. <p>Honestly, I met my now current husband online. We have had to adjust to the "living in reality" over the past two years. The thing was AFTER we got together, I severed ALL ties to the internet except with family and close friends. I did away with chatting and sometimes didn't get online for months at a time. I had to make that "cut" from reality and online. I can say I've never been happier and don't miss my fantasy life at all. I told my husband I was tired of fantasy and wanted reality, and we made it so.<p>This is something I saw on Oprah the other day as well... the guy was up late chatting and surfing porn, while his beautiful, LIVING, flesh and blood wife lay in bed feeling alone and rejected. The psychologist said he needed to choose. Her or them. He quit online all together and said he does not regret it one bit. <p>I'm very sorry you are going through this. Perhaps have one of the children can conveniently drop the monitor off the table and bust it?? Or drop a can of soda on the computer??? <p>How horrible you say the computer/monitor is so expensive!! <p>Well how much is your marriage worth to you??? <p>In the 1800's Internet Affairs were never heard of, why??? NO INTERNET!!!<p>Best of Luck.