The Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs, so the guy says aloud, "Geesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

"Holy crap," he guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willy' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssst" says the parrot..."I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"What???" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty, and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"Well???" demands the frantic guy. "Then what happened?"

"Heck if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After having their eleventh child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10."

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, and parts of Mississippi.

Terrible Accident

A man was in a terrible accident, leaving his penis mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," or $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OOOOH. I'mmmm gonnna tellll. You're gonna be in trouble. You said "penis."

Thanks for the laughs. I needed them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> OOOOH. I'mmmm gonnna tellll. You're gonna be in trouble. You said "penis." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ummmm, yeah....he did... but so did you!

Does quoting count as repeating. If so, everyone but me is saying penis.

OOps

SO IF SOMEONE TYPES THAT "P" WORD IN ALL CAPS ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT A LARGE "P-------- NEVermind.....

OK Now

Were not gonna do with the P word what we did with the blonde cats are we

WIWH

Does that mean P-word is related to beer? Or only just when it’s in capital letters? Or is it related to blondes?

Of course, Mags, age 5, informed me that boys had hoses. If that’s the case, and I like gardening….

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does that mean P-word is related to beer? Or only just when it’s in capital letters? Or is it related to blondes?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GG you got things a little jumbled here.

the P-word is all capital when it is related to a blonde with beer.(even former blondes)

WIWH

Mathematically speaking... wouldn't the equation go something like:

blonde + beer = "P" = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Of course, I think experience would show us that having the blond as a constant wouldn't be necessary...(i.e.: a brunette or redhead would work just as well) but rather the beer is the necessary constant for this equation to work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> blonde + beer = "P" = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again . A little jumble in the post. Wouldn't it read more like

Blonde+Beer= <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> "P"

Because it is quite clear that if

Blonde = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "P"
and
Beer = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "P"
that
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "P"+ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "P" = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> "p"

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

Couldn’t we also turn it around

Beer + P = Blonde?

Oh, my. I just had a vulgar moment. It has occurred to me that P could stand for an entirely different thing than PENIS. And written out, I know that word wouldn’t get through. I tried it with “cat” attached to the end and it got flagged.

[Head slap!] Now I get the “cat” thing from the last thread. I knew I was missing something.

I don’t like blondes. In general, not counting those blondes who are present.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> P could stand for an entirely different thing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In this case Beer would need to serve as a variable rather than a constant.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> Couldn’t we also turn it around

Beer + P = Blonde?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I think that conversly speaking for women:

"P" + beer = "O" = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!!


And as far as I was concerned p= penis, P= ...well large, ummm...yeah. Whatever, could you be refering to GG??? What how would a cat and P be related????


Ahhh....oh, I see...

Told you it was vulgar. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

But I do like your equation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Told you it was vulgar. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think all this talk about the capital "P" brought out the vulgar part of you.

We never would have known how Vulgar you realy are if you weren't thinking out loud.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don’t like blondes. In general, not counting those blondes who are present. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Weren't you blonde at one time?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "P" + beer = "O" = !!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is that a little "o" or a BIG "O"

because this equation may then need to be

"P" - BEER

WIWH

Hee Hee. I dare you to say... orgasm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well I thought the portion of the quation reading: "O" = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!! Was pretty much a given for women...but what the hell do I know???

Why would the rest of the equation change to "P"-beer???

I was think that depending on gender/preferance and whatever designation you applied to "P"... the universal equation would read something like...

"P" + beer + blond = "O" = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!!

And everyone wins...


Is it obvious yet that I'm an engineer...???