Ok -- do I have a sign on my forehead that reads "abuse me" ???

Since I sent hubby my Plan B letter, I have done an excellent job of NO CONTACT. He has ignored my request for no contact by calling, leaving messages, and sending emails. I've responded to none of them.

That is until Monday. See, our Plan B is due to neglect, verbal abuse, and his unwillingness to commit to working on our marriage. No infidelity. I decided that I would finally respond to his call. I called him when I knew I'd get his voicemail. I left the following message. "I got your messages. If you want to talk to me just to see how I'm doing, then no thanks, I'm not interested. If, however, you are ready to talk about what we can do to fix our marriage and are ready to commit to a plan, I would love to talk to you. My kids are leaving for summer extended stay with their dad, so you can call me to set up a time for us to get together to talk."

Well..... I get into my office this morning and there is another message from him. He goes on to say that tonight he's getting a haircut. Then he has to go to the mall for some pants. He'll call me later. My initial reaction was WHAT ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I finally give him the tiniest opportunity to reestablish contact with me and he has to do errands tonight?????????? And to make matters worse, it's now way past his hair cut and plenty of time for him to have shopped. Still no call from him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I give up!! I just totally give up!! This is a man who calls professing his love and how much he misses me. Yet he takes this opportunity and blows it???????????? Geeze..... WHEN am I going to wake up and smell the coffee???????? I am so disappointed in myself for even allowing this to go on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anybody else out there feeling like a walking mat?? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Advice??

SISOSIGN

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hey Laura,

Thanks so much for responding to me. This whole separation thing has been a total nightmare for me. Did you ever feel like you were up above, looking down on yourself as you live your life, not believing it's really YOU??? Well, that's how I feel.

I probably should be ashamed to say that at 42 years of age, I have NEVER been rejected by a man. This is all a first for me. I'm really struggling. Not fun!!!

I'm a very kind hearted, loving woman. I'm a decent looking woman. Men don't run away from me. It's not like my husband "settled" for me. He is the one with the major self esteem issues, and insecurity issues. When he moved out to "save our marriage", I felt so abandoned. I think I've done everything in my power to bring him back, just so that I am not the abandoned one. Warped, isn't it????

You're right about his words meaning nothing. I've told him for ages that it's ACTIONS that speak the truth... not words. I'm getting the message loud and clear. It's just that I don't want to admit it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So now what??? When he calls again with his empty words........... what do I say??????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I feel so lost. I hate this!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
SISOSIGN

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So now what??? When he calls again with his empty words........... what do I say??????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I recomend saying the same as what you already have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If, however, you are ready to talk about what we can do to fix our marriage and are ready to commit to a plan, I would love to talk to you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WIWH

I felt the same way when my XH cheated on me. I'm 40 years old and never had a man reject or cheat on me. The woman that he cheated on me is really very unattractive, but she was telling him all the right things. He has a major self-esteem problem which she fed into and I didn't.

I went through a year of trying to make the marriage work after I found out about the affair, being the perfect wife, catering to his every demand, feeding his ego constantly and still he would not give her up. I had enough. No longer would I allow him to treat me like a doormat.

It's really hard when you haven't been rejected by a man you really loved and he rejects you. It's a major blow to your ego. But that is all it is. His selfishness will never allow him to give you the things that you need. If you don't have any kids together, just write him out of your life and move on. Easier said than done, but a necessary step for you to feel better about yourself.

I have a child with my XH, so I have to have contact with him, but I try to be all about my child and not anything personal. I have a lot of bitterness towards him, for his selfish acts and his self-centeredness. I will tell you that if we do talk conversationally, it hurts to be reminded of how I had felt about him and how he treated me. That is why I recommend that if you don't have kids, let him go for your own sake.

WIWH --

Thank you very much for responding to me. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hate it when people say "yes........ BUT". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> However, this one time I have to.

I do appreciate your advice........ but......... I've been saying the same thing over and over and over and I can't seem to get out of this cycle. I want out of it! It's so totally emotionally draining. I tell him I don't want to talk to him unless he's ready to commit to and work on our marriage. He goes a few days........ then bingo, he calls again "I love you so much, I miss you so much". I get my hopes up yet I repeat to him..... I don't want to talk to you until you're ready to commit to and work on our marriage. A few more days and he calls again. And on and on the cycle goes.

Really........ is there any way out for me other than to walk away from him once and for all?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

SISOSIGN

Karma --

Thank you for responding as well. I'm sorry to hear that you were in such a similar situation. Bites, doesn't it??

No, we do not share children. We each have our own biological kids, however. That was a big part of our problem...... putting our own kids first and mistreating each other. It would be very easy to just write him off and never hear from him again. WHY does that make me so extremely sad to even think about???

Honestly........ my emotions are so messed up right now. I don't know if I really love this guy or if I am just fighting the rejection at this point. Because when I sit down and make a list of pros and cons....... the "con" side is sure a lot longer than the "pro" side. So what's wrong with me??? Why can't I just throw in the towel and be done with it???

SISOSIGN

[QUOTE]Originally posted by laura_lee:


But here's my only piece of advice.

Forget everything you hear an abuser say.

Watch his feet.

Don't listen to what comes out of his mouth.

Watch his feet.

If he's not willing to take those feet where they need to go to make changes in his life (counselling, etc., etc., etc.)... ignore his "I love you"... "I miss you"... cause it's so much BS... BS he wants to believe and wants you to believe... if he's like my XH.


Had to borrow this from laura lee. But she says it pretty well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A few more days and he calls again. And on and on the cycle goes.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well maybe next time you can simply say

"Prove it"

When something doesn't work, do something different. Don't allow the cycle to happen.

Believer -- Thank you for responding! You are so right. I've been telling my husband for months that regardless of how "old" the saying is.... actions DO speak louder than words. I so wish I could just walk away and be done with all this emotional abuse.......

WIWH -- Good point. "Prove it". I'll keep that in mind. The problem is that his idea of "proving it" and mine are soooooooo completely different.

WHY does it have to be so hard? I never asked him to move mountains or give me a mansion. All I ever asked for was to be loved and feel special. WHY is that so hard????

SISOSIGN

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Thank you Laura -- As sad as it makes me, I do believe you're right. And even though I can say that.... I guess it's gonna just take me realizing it for myself. Never been in this sitch before........ but sure am hoping that ALL of us can only be pushed SO far before we snap and see the reality of it all.

I'm not happy about it..... but it's all I've got to hold on to right now.

SISOSIGN

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but sure am hoping that ALL of us can only be pushed SO far before we snap and see the reality of it all.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you ever broken a stick? (no I'm not crazy)

Sometimes they just snap in half. others tend to slowly splinter apart until you twist them around enough to finaly seperate them ino 2(or more) pieces.

There may not always be a breaking point and I know that I, for one, don't want to be slowly twisted into splinters.

WIWH

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

WIWH -- I'm with you. Don't want to be twisted and turned till I totally splinter away. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Unfortunately, that seems to be the case. HOW can I stop the splintering and just get the snapping over with????

Laura -- Thank you for such encouragement. However, when I just read your post, I must admit I was feeling totally unworthy. Did a horrible backslide.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm gonna create a new post about it. Please take a minute and check it out.

Thanks,
SISOSIGN

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> HOW can I stop the splintering and just get the snapping over with????
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Put an end to the twisting and turning!

Ok...without reading all the posts (forgive me)...I just have a comment to make.

I too lived with an abuser. It's been 4 years since the divorce, and 2 years before that.

Looking back, and reading just your post, my first instinct now? When he called you the first time, he WANTED to make contact and did. He was tongue-tied and didn't know WHAT to say, so said what came NATURALLY to him (which was abusive). You responded in the BEST way that you could. You said what you expect, what you won't take and what he can do to work towards healing your marriage.

Second instinct --> He DID respond to you. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He goes on to say that tonight he's getting a haircut. Then he has to go to the mall for some pants. He'll call me later. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may not have been the response you were looking for, but this man is in his 40's? Who exactly is going to teach him how to work towards communicating with him? He's doing what he KNOWS. To him, telling you about what he's going to do (for a controlling man) is HUGE stuff. Most abusive men would have just said "Call you later" (if even that!).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I give up!! I just totally give up!! This is a man who calls professing his love and how much he misses me. Yet he takes this opportunity and blows it???????????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgive me, because I may have missed a whole lot here because I don't read all the posts. How exactly did he blow it? He called you. He told you what he was doing and he said he was going to call you. To me, it's a START -- way better than no communication. You have the opportunity to communicate. Looking back 6 years and forward into my future -- that's where relationships start.

Communication is a dance. One time he'll say what you want and the next time he won't. YOU need to stick to your guns and keep saying what you want over and over again like a broken record. You want him to commit? Tell him how. You want to fix your marriage? Tell him how. Ask for feedback. Maybe what you think will fix your marriage isn't what he thinks will fix your marriage. Maybe he'll be willing to go to counselling?

What I learned a long time ago was I looked at things ONE way, Elan's way. Now, the years have passed and I have learned some hard lessons along the way. One of the BIGGEST lessons was to look at things BOTH ways and not just my own.

Much blessings! Hang in there! It DOES get better!

Elan --

Thank you for taking the time to post to me. I've read and reread your post many times. It's all sinking in at different times. Your words were very powerful to me.

Thank you so much.

SISOSIGN

Hi there. Sometimes it's hard to look at the other side of things. You have a very supportive group here and many times I have come here and heard what a "jerk" the stbx (or ex) has been. It was great to hear that when I was in that headspace. Sometimes though I had sage advice from the oldies that made me look and recognize there was another side -- the ex's side.

It takes a LOT of courage to look at all ways. This is a man who is abusive, although it's not an excuse, it's a fine line that you have to work with from being firm and committed in your boundaries, and then giving a little when everyone else around you is telling you he's the scum of the earth, and "oh how rotten". You married this guy for a reason, and obviously that reason is still there somewhere because you are wanting to work on your marriage.

I always told myself that I would do everything in my power to keep my marriage together -- BUT, that meant having good boundaries, and establishing healthy relationships. There were (and still ARE) a LOT of things that I had to change in myself also. It wasn't all him. My ex WAS abusive, still IS abusive and will never change. I did go to counselling and still do when there are issues that I'm having trouble sorting out. This relationship with your husband will take time. One step at a time. Most times it will be two steps forward and one back. Whether it works out or not is totally dependent on the two people wanting to work on the marriage. Don't throw all that away because he doesn't respond the way you want him to. Just try to look at the other side and see if there is some other way that you can get your message across. (it goes without saying that your personal/emotional safety COME FIRST). Remember to keep your heart open enough to listen to all sides.

Elan --

Thanks again for standing by me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your words of encouragement mean so much. You are so right. It's IMPERATIVE to look at things from his side. Not always easy. Actually, ususally it's NOT easy. But it's a must. A daily struggle that I fight to win each day.

I know everything you say is correct and I have to hold that thought. I just need to find a way to process the fact that we have had some life threatening issues plaguing us. Because of that..... the "time" thing is SOOOOOOOOO hard for me. Once you go through the health issues that we have, time is PRECIOUS to put it mildly.

How......... oh how do I find a balance??? One day at a time, I guess.

Thanks,
SISOSIGN