Hello everyone, it's been a very long time since my last posting on MB, well since last year. My previous post name was mayflower, due to numerous computer crashes, virus. I simply gave up on email and lost my old log in number. Warning my pent up accumulated repressed feelings are about to burst. Venting session now in process. I apolize in advance, if I sound a bit cranky as I am or offended in any way about my lament. I am simply have a human experince and moment.
On a personal level, I was simply overwhelmed by the bizzaro circumstances that the X contrived by the week. His abmysal maddess still has no bottom or end but gets worse and difficult to battle alone on my part. I am a human being and not a machine. I am grieving the immeasurable deep seated damage,pain, conflict and obstacles the X inflicted upon myself and our children saga continues. Yes, our lives are altered forever.
As the x puts it to our son this his second chance in life to really flex his playboy thang, couldn;t get quanity variety of women in marriage as he could now. Ahh the poor guy. All I feel in my heart is Good riddins-I am deeply ashamed,disgusted and profoundly embarrsed that he is the father of my children !
I hope now that our paths will never cross again and the past, memories will vanish forever. As he follows his hyper libido as his only guiding star of wonder, brains and heart not important.I am free to follow my own true north star, unhindered.
I do however, wonder where are all the good urologosits are these days, when one needs them most. I am sure they could truly fix the problem as opposed to wearing one self thin with out the treadmill of counseling,seldom do things get resolved, and never ending cycles of problems.
Where one a party refuses to open up their hearts in the first place,great waste of time for the spouse and councelor. Exception being for those persons, who are rare exceptions, where one has truly made a fall, feels remorse of their own doing, one time misguided mistake and does all they can to make inflight repairs, rebuild the marriage/family in sincerty.
The legal bills would be drastically reduced for sure and families would not be driven to bankrupcy and ruin. Yes, urigologists definately hold the answer for those who have no self control, in more ways than one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I simply couldn't find words to express to any one on the board the unspeakable evil, wickendess and agony X inflicted upon us and is continuing to do so, by rubbing his turbo ho's in my children and my face. I am most weary, exhausted beyond measure.
Beyond the comprehension of human decency what the x has schemed to strip everything away from us and our children. I am saddend, by the compounding of matters by the overall apathy and ineffectiveness from numerous councelors, legal profession, etc who listen with out understanding, sigh and say nothing can be done.
Truth is, many alternatives do exist to empower spouses and families to end, or reasonably contain madness generated spouses. Appeasement do nothing approach, seldom works. Not only does such approach cause greater damage harm in the long run often a the family expense emotionally, ect.. The price is much to high for families to endure.
How tragically sad to discover that lunactics are so well insulated,very well protected from their actions,obligations, consequences. Further enabled, rewarded. I am amazed that they know their rights so well. My what a wayward person paradisce. It appears the "JUST US" system in many circumstances is also self serving.
The vanishing conscience of North America is mindblowing and so deeply anti marriage/family climate is startling. I am refreshed, deeply encouraged, and now feel reconnected again to be here again and still discover that people here on MB still have compassion, empathy, conscience,faith, hearts, posses a great degree of normalcy, morals, family values, strength, courage, boldness, wisdom, wits, and humor about them although hurting and suffering very, very deeply.
I still shutter to know that I have been only a tool, target object of someone misdirected hatred and hate crime of what others had done wrong to the X. Truthfully, I am still winded, as I struggle to pick up the bruised, battered, shattered pieces of our lives. Obviously, I am aware my true healing process will begin as I will be no longer traumized in seeing or having dealings with a perputrator. I am awestruck of much healing I must do and the damage done throughout the years towards is extensive.
I am still naustated to discover that I was choosen to be his marriage partner, so that he could transfer all his pain, garbage on. Ouch, smothered, oppressed, entrapped in a unequally partnership for this. I am happy to be free from further misery. I didn't enlist and agree in his warped views in my wedding wows. I wish I couldn't have gotten away from the infidelity, duplicty prison sentance sooner.
In fairness and consideration towards my x. I am imagine that for my x to have lived with some one such as myself who has family values, morals belives life, marriage, family are sacred and that love, goodness, etc would cause equal if not more pain to him. His feelings of being oppressed and entrapped in not being e able to excersice their immoral sick perverted lifestyle either. Children are burden, expense and interference . So maybe divorce under these circumstances could be construed as a win/win situation.
Wow, what a battle the actual divorce process has been, or rather rightly defined as martial, familial warfare. Exhausting, and all consuming. I am grateful it has ended now as the X had the power to drag things yet longer.
I don't understand sadism. My nerves are still freyed and I have had to contact with his ho's to beg them to get him to sign the settlement aggreement and get divorce under way, so they too, could benefit and fully enjoy him sooner with no hinderences from myself, or children.
Usually, it's the partner saying unhand my man, I want him back, I miss him, not in my books. Or I can't commit to you because my wife won't give me a divorce. I lacked such convictions. These women have been most surprised to learn, I am only to thrilled to be divorced from him and told them if they were into alcholics, cheaters all the power to them. I just want my chattel release papers.
I suppose to be fair to these women mind and rationale they must think they have a real catch on the line and they are most certainly entitled to their illusions.
Our children are they best part of him, the essense is gone from him, but his women have only an empty hated filled shell of a person in their hands. Horomes do wear off.
Not that I wanted to contact these women. Main thing it was only strategy I could think of when he did everything to prolong and make things needlessly difficult, to make use of positive peer pressure to enlist their cooperation to motivate him to set us free. What a delusion on the x part to imagine, I would want to remain apart of his herd or have anything to do with him. A betrayer is definately not a true friend in my books or to be apart of my bandwidth of relations.
The experince and encounter of someone's sheer madness, obsessions has definately changed my prespectives on life forever. I never imagained in my naiveete what a deranged personality really was, natural by product conseqence of unbridled selfishness,pride and greediness. Even nightmares too, must come to an end.
I will never be the same that's for sure, a bit wiser I hope. However, I feel ever more deeply for all the hurt people that are silently having their lives, families,legacies destroyed needlessly, forever by bullies, trynant or spouse bent on hurting,manipulating and using others for their own selfish purposes. Master servant/slave type relationship in that case are not very satisfying relationships.
I see more clearly through the divorce process in many cases how much needless suffering and nonscences could have been prevented,and can be.
What a travesty, to discover how little the laws and society protects the weak, vulnerable and innocent. Indifferent,jaded and apathy rules. It would appear these are the ingrediants for anarchy, yet anarchy, is often what is really going on in many of home and so many turn simply a blind eye to suffering needs to those who are vulnerable, defenseless.
I am deeply appalled at a society at large that is missing in action, that lacks intergrity,duty grit, guts to protect but rather tolerates, the unacceptable, enables, permits the degradation and dehumanization of women and children to bear the load, make the sacrifices, or do the hard time, of suffering, exploitation for crimes of a misguided, selfish parent, or spouse lacking in a moral center/fiber.
I am crestfallen by the oppresion of living such a person firsthand and then to find systems of supposed help that too, lack a moral center, moral sense or convictions to be even more overwhelming.
I am most saddened that it has taken a two year seperation to get some so simple done. The equation of X wanted out of the marriage... no problem on my part the door swings both ways. Should a person not want to be in a marriage, no problem let them go... Better to have immediate peace, harmony perserved in the home than be riddled with yrs of conflict, melo psycho drama,bitterness, selfishness, emptiness and deprived by lack of love.
Earnestly, who really needs to be invalidated and appease the unworthy or undeserving in the first place. The doormat approach to win someone of little quailty is a waste of time as I see it.
Bascially counterproductive when there are so many other nicer persons to focus on, build a community upon, not neccesary another partner per se, could be a old person,teen, shut in, single mom, dad, a neighbor, a handicapped person truly needing, deserving kindness, assistance etc that would appreciate the kindness, attentions, support.
Is it all about the selfish, self centered needs of a wayward spouse who basically lacks the capacity to love and a backbone in the first place.
Who often are persons who are basically bottom less need pit. Absoultely not in my opinion. The shoes fit on both feet. Mutual respect, trust and understanding is a good thing. The combination is balanced in my opinion to create harmony, sustance.
Who in the right mind wants to be in a relationship with someone who can't love, cherish, nuture, protect, provide, to be trusted, etc. I am pleased not to have offered any attempts to reconcile, offer friendship to my x to stand firm in my resolve to protect myself and children from his trynanny and cruelities, exaggaretated belief of self entitlement, exaggarated notion of self importance.
X is now on affair number 8, and sunken to a complete state of depravity.
I am most greatful that I have taken legal action and manuvered the seperation flow to have my X actually divorce me. To give him the real feeling of power, control that his insecurities thrive on. I should think this would be his first step into a real world of reality, manhood maybe and responibilty to take ownership of his hardness of heart and disgusting lifestyle,baggage.
Since he instigated his affairs, and created a horrible martial and family atmosphere. Live continious life of lies, denied his dark heart and dirty dealing, wove his sick web of deceits in the first place. It feels so good that he is now finally gone forever...and our corrupt union dissolved.
I truly encourage those struggling with an unworthy partner to not lose heart, and the battle for true family freedom from pain, hurt, harm, mayhem,dissolutionment. THe battle to disentangle is truly in my opinion and paradigm worth the disolution and closure. Such partnerships, in my opinion are truly produce only more discord, and dissaffaction and it is the children who suffer the most in such immeasurable ways. Keeping the conflict as low as possible, many chronically wayward spouses are little worth expense, time or engery.
X most basic primary need not being met in the marriage according to X " NOT HAVING ENOUGH VARIETY OF WOMEN WITHIN THE MARRIAGE"
My basic unmet needs that X met almost none of my normal basic needs, nor my children.
Freedom !
