I have been married for 5 years now, we have 2 lil boys. He and I met at a party...our first son was born 9 months later, 3 months after that we were married. Everything seemed good..a bad situation turned good. However, to me..it seemed comparable to an arranged marriage. We didn't really know each other and simply grew to love and respect each other. Loving someone and being "in love" are two separate things I belive. I've read many of the articles on this site and didn't (so far)find a similar situation. I understand the concept of the "love bank" and firmly believe it's existance. In marriage is there ever a point where enough is enough? I know that the needs of each of us should be met by each other...but what do you do when one or the other either aren't interested in or desire to put forth the extreme effort required to learn and/or meet these needs. As I have run down the list...we have almost all areas of "needs" that we are lacking in. Well speaking for myself..I have major withdrawls and very very few deposits. I believe I have been as good a wife as I can be. He is extremely jealous, worried about me going to the grocery store, taking the boys on outtings..because some guy may look at me. We've talked about this..but this is the way he is. It's very limiting, stiffeling and controling I think. Am I to throw away what self confidence and esteem I do have and gain 250 pounds, cut off my hair and never wear makeup again to appease his jealousy? I won't. But the way he sees it..is that if I am to better myself it should be soley for him...I do it first for myself then for him, which makes him mad. I almost never put myself before others, but working out to stay in shape is for me first, not him or anyone else! I'm babbling I know...i'm sorry..I need to talk to someone. He's a long haul truck driver, i'm a stay at home mom...living out in the sticks. Sorry, I'll stop now. Thank you for a place to vent.

I'm sorry there was a point... I love him, but i'm not in love with him...I feel trapped and alone. I'm only 23, I don't see myself with him for the rest of my life. but I don't want to hurt him, or the kids. Do I set aside myself to spare them? .....

Hello
Its allright to vent here, and if you speak your mind in the progress you give us in the peanut gallery an Idea of your needs. I am an 42 yr old Christian man who has made a lot of misteaks in life, and have live over them and learned from them. I have a couple of thoughts for you
Arranged marriages use to be common, and many in them were perfectly happy. I think I hear you saying that you have an issue with being trapped by the way things started out. Whether in an arrainged mariage or one born of circumstance the thing will put your issue to rest is a decision. You either chose to be married or you chose to leave, write it down date it and refer back to it from time to time as needed. If you will remember that you are doing that wich YOU chose to do this should make the rest more bearable.
I fix airconditioners in Texas. Many long haul drivers here. I have known many personaly and delt with many more, and their wifes for years, so I am familiar with your story. It is an old one. He is insecure in your relationship. He obviously does not want to loose you. But considering the circles that you met in he has a fear of his unhappy young prety wife getting snached up by the next truck driver ect. that sees you. In the long run most long haul drivers that want a wife and family find a local gig.
Until that happens one of the best ways for you and your kids to "have a life" that is less threatening to your H is to join a local church and be active in it. This may sound off the wall but consider that I am an old alchoholic that has found that socialising in a Christian enviornment is not only the best way to stay sober, but that I am not alone. The other people there are there for the same reason. I am a Baptist now but have attended Church of Christ and First Christian Churches and been familiar with many more and all most were very ready to help one another out. I think that you husband would relax a lot if he knew that if you were calling on friends from church rather than from your old crowd.
If you are not a Christian now please consider giving your life to Christ. You sound like you could use an anchor and there is no better.
Until then Please get a copy of His Needs Her Needs (it is available here and on Amazon.com) and read it, when you are finnished with it send it on the road with him. Also keep an eye open in ervery local paper you can find for a local driving job that needs his experience, most long haul drivers only do it for the money and if he found a local gig he might just jump at it.
May God be with you and your family in your time of need and always.

Making a decision....that's where I'm running to my conflict. My choice seems to me to be selfish, because if I choose to follow my feelings about the situation, I hurt someone, If I ignore it, then I hurt myself. It pains me to cause someone else to hurt.
H being a trucker is a new thing, about a month so far. These feelings of mine (and his) are only amplified by this new job. H is considering a local job, but as you said, long haul is a money thing, so he is planning to stick it out for about 6months then going local.
Considering where we live, there are limited resources. I've tried the church thing, but I can't relate to the people there, older/elderly and some quite intense. Isolation seems to be my biggest ..."thing"... I've always been a social person but I have no outlet here, save the computer, which I have a few friends, but net friendships only go so far. I've been pretty unhappy being in my situation for a long time now. I don't know exactly what I expect, but this forum has at least given me "someone" to talk to so to speak.
I have a question...What do you think about taking a break from a relationship? I know it can be fatal to a relationship...but I feel like if I didn't get away from it, it will end. But, then ... I think I want it to.

First off try more than one church, some are all old and some seem to be mostly young, birds of a feather flock together. I dont have much in common in blue haired churches either.
As to a break? My wife is taking a "break" that costs $700.00 a month extra but since she is a reasteraunt asst mgr and the kids are in school it aint too bad. Except that it feels like someone stole my heart and lungs and didnt even use a local anithetic. I would make that sorta like a last resort. In a way you and he are getting breaks when he is on the road. If you decide to stay you may be able to psych up and be thrilled to see him and turn things around. I dont know if you have been on a date together lately but that works wonders. My situation is a bit different than yours I am an alchoholic that while not violent was less than functional. It took harsh measures to get my attention, I guess I deserved it. oh well 60 days dry so far.
As far as wanting to end the relationship, why do you think you want to end it? Is there enough good to be done to outweigh the damage to your children? And please tust me on this one while sometimes in circumstances of physical abuse ect. it is unavoidable, divorce is a form of child abuse. I have been in so many homes of young women such as you and had the kids stick to me like glue, wanting a dady so bad that anything that walks in the door looks good. I dont want you to feel "trapped", but if you could make it work I think I know of a couple of boys that benifit by not being wo a dad or worse stuck having to visit him on a certain weekend and deal with the soap opera that always grows out of that scene.
I dont envy you If you stay you will have to find peace. If you go,,,,,everybody will have a world of conflict and little peace,love end or comfort. It still think you need to go church shopping, even if you have to drive a ways.
May God be with you all.

Call me the "devil's advocate" here for one moment, I agree the above postings have some great ideas in them, but going to religion to solve your problems is not the right way to approach religion. Going to God is a good thing, but if your hubby is not very religious or "god oriented" then he might feel awkward and "bible bashed".
What you are describing is EXACTLY my first marriage, and yes I left two years ago. No one likes to feel "trapped" or walking on egg shells in their own home, but there were many many more issues than that!!!
I was a model several years ago (don't ask *LOL*)and gave it up to be full time mommy. I still believe if we don't make ourselves look good and have good grooming, it can lead to depression and low self-esteem. Then you'll have no interest in sex, and he'll be b*tching and moaning about that!! (Can't win can we? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
The insecurity he exhibits only drives you further from him, which in turn increases his insecurity, see where this is going?? <p>Is it possible for you to relocate? Perhaps live with family for a couple months until you get on your feet?? My current husband's job kept him ALL over the country. Finally he made an ultimatum with the company, and they agreed to keep him in one area for the most part. So now we are picking up and moving there. The seperation NOW is hard, but I know there is a better future, and I have to be patient.
Be understanding of him too. He feels he has to provide for his family the best he can. It's hard being a guy sometimes, and a lot of pressure to meet financial, emotional, physical, etc needs of your wife, family, and kids. <p>It also sounds like you are wondering if "there is anything else better out there" because you married so young, and felt you married him out of "necessity" because of the pregnancy??
Trust me chances are there is NO ONE else better out there. Men these days are far and few pickings.... most of the kind sensitive caring ones end up gay or married *LOL*
With my ex I used to feel if I was married to someone else my life would be perfect. If I could take the time to date/meet the right guy the right way I would find "happily ever after". When I divorced, dated, found the "guy of my dreams" and you know what???????????<p>It's NOT PERFECT. *LOL*<p>Am I saying I'd rather be with my ex? Not necessarily. Although it's hard not having that "American Dream" scenario (hubby, wifey, kiddies). But the thing is in any relationship you trade one set of problems for another. <p>So you divorce, date, marry new guy. New problems, new crap, then it gets old. Then what?? Divorce him, date, marry met new guy....see where this is going?? <p>I'm not saying stay together for the sake of anything, nor am I saying divorce. I'm saying just perhaps being flirtacious with him, make him feel he is desireable... "ooh you are so sexy".. and "I want you now blah blah ", put notes in his bag on trips about how you are missing him/thinking of him etc... guys like that stuff.
Perhaps boosting his ego, security will cut down on the insecurities on his part. <p>Best of luck,
hang in there!
Rant anytime we all do it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Red,<p>Your's is a very familiar story. Too many of us get married and only then discover what marriage is like. Too often, in the early stages of a marriage, we discover the first problems and then rather than dealing with them, we ignore them. Sometimes, we try to deal with them, but when the spouse resists change, we give up. Problems in marriages do not go away. You either solve them or the problems eventually overwhelm the marriage. You have come here and already have a defeated attitude. I wish I could give you the magic phrase to help you understand that giving up doesn't solve the problem.<p>Can I give you a suggestion? When you have a really good opportunity, figure out a couple or three things that your H could do to help you feel better. Things that would immediately help you feel more positive about the marriage. When there is a good time, arrange to have two or three private, undistracted hours with your H and then calmly explain that you feel on your last legs in the marriage and that you want to repair the damage. Understand that your H may not react well, but it doesn't matter. This is absolutely all on you. Get it across to him in as compassionate a way as you can that you need his help and action to get the marriage right. Go read some books and get a plan together for what he can do for you. When you talk to him, ask what you can do for him. After that is the relatively simple deal of implementing the plan.<p>The problem is always with getting the action going and keeping it going. You can do that.<p>If a year down the road, nothing has changed, you can always decide to leave the marriage. At this point, however, you still can do YOUR best to save the marriage. If you really don't want to hurt your H or children, that's how to do so.<p>Take responsibility for the marriage. You make it what you want. If something doesn't change, you will eventually leave, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.<p>Please feel free to vent, question, argue, etc here. There is hope and you can have the life you had in mind when you married if you really want it.

Good luck and much peace to you.

dsimmons:
First..I'm sorry for the situation you are experiencing. And congratulations on ur sobriety. <p>It is true that while he is gone, it is like a break for us...but recently I've enjoyed the break time more so than the home time. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
I've done the "thrilled" gearing up thing, but he kills that soon after walkin in the door. And I understand that hes strung out from being on the road, but trying a lil bit isn't too much to ask. I give him his "decompressing" time n all that, I don't bombard him with trifle tasks or issues around the house.
We haven't been on a date since Jan. and it wasn't pretty. He almost got into a fight with a guy for looking at me. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] And that was our anniversary date.
Divorce = child abuse...I can kind of see ur point..but I don't think it's quite that harsh. It's not a good thing, I agree, but potentialy fatal..I dont think so. But that is where I am troubled. Am I being selfish for having these thoughts? I should make do with the decision I made at 18 to spare everyone? I dunno... these feelings aren't that new, but the idea of acting on them is. <p>Catwalk:
I agree, you can't be your true self to/for others if you don't feel good about yourself.
Relocation isn't possible right now, we have been buying a house for only 3 years now. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
He is dedicated in the providing aspect, but terrible with money when he gets it. I take care of paying the bills and such, but still the difficulty with him and money is there.
We didn't know each other when we married. I was 18 when we married, I figured it was the right thing to do at the time considering we had a child. I don't think I am looking for a "quick fix" new relationship type thing right away. And I do believe there are good, decent men out there. Everyone has problems/issues to different degrees, no one is perfect. But there is a difference in the degree or severity of the problem.
Dedication is important, but so is having a healthy relationship.
I am an outgoing, loving person and I do flirt with him. Well, used to until recently, but he either is too distracted to pay attention or jokes about it. <p>Spt:
I understand what your saying, and I thank you for sharing. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and really looking at myself and H. I've even got pen to paper making lists of everything, being a visual person, this is helping me to sort things out.
He and I have had talks as far as I can get them to last before an argument followed by a silent "I'm done with it / my way or the high way" type of attitude from him. He is very strong willed in his views on everything and is unwilling to see any other point of view than his own. What he tells and shows me is that I am the wife, I need to do my job and like it. Well, that's not supportive, encouraging or loving. It's not a job or requirement...it's a choice..and one that I think I made a mistake in.<p>I have been trying...for a long time now, many of these things that have been layed out for me here, to no avail. I don't think I can keep trying. A marriage is not a one sided journey. I believe in 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. chances. But after a certian time, chances wear out. I'm afraid that I am on my last "chance." .....<p>Thank you for your comments and "talking" with me. I really appreciate being able to get all of this out and discussed.

RE: Catwalk Devils advocate is a good term for the bible bashing story. But I guess it is good to cover that. It is the wrong way. Love is the right way. A good example is the best teacher, The Bible says somewhere "say nothing that is not uplifting" many people miss that and bash, please forgove them. May God be with you all.

I have been doing a lot of thinking. I'm still not solid on what will come of it all. But I am going to try and find some time for us to sit down together and talk about everything. Which is so hard considering how much he is gone. We talk on the phone everyday, but somewhere in there we are usually fighting about something stupid or another. I asked him last night if he enjoyed fighting long distance...well that ended the argument..kinda sorta. Anyways, I think I'm going to see if my friend could watch our boys for me so that we can have some time to talk. I'm not looking forward to this at all. <p>I know that he loves me....but, I dunno.. he doesn't know how to show me, even though I've told him hintingly, outright and plainly. Does that mean that he doesn't care or is incapable of showing me that he loves me? I know that marriage is work, but I shouldn't be the one doing all the work. He does things I've asked him not to, and doesn't do things he says he will.<p>*sigh* I know 5 years isn't a staggering amount of time...but for me, it seems like ages to be working and trying. And ya know..I don't even think he sees that.

Dear Red
Thank you for not giving up. I am ,,, ok let be honest here, quiters, people that throw up there hands and leave and dont look back is about my biggest peeve in the whole world. And if no one else in the whole world cares I dont know but I do and I am very glad to hear that you will hang in there and try. Good Luck and may God Be with you.
Dan
PS READ THE BOOKS! (please!)