Just got back from Albuquerque packing my mom's house up. Moved it all to my home...my garage is filled to the ceiling...so sad saying goodbye to my home in Albuquerque...so hard to say goodbye to my mom.

Went to my "friends" niece's wedding tonight...after spending two days driving here. It was a gorgeous wedding. Reminded me of mine--and all the hopes and dreams that have been lost. It was hard sitting through that. The minister did a excellent job telling the new couple the five important things that make a great marriage. He had the couple say them to each other...and then all the married couples say it to each other so that they would be reminded what makes a marriage great. It was beautiful and oh so true. When the ceremony was over, my friend was with his family taking pictures--and it just struck me again how horrible this divorce mess is for everyone involved, aunts, uncles, kids...ourselves. I couldn't go to the reception...just too hard.

I got home now to an impersonal email from my x--saying that he hoped my trip went well and that he wanted to pick the kids up tomorrow at 9. He couldn't pick them up tonight, because he is putting his and Leslie's things in storage. They are moving to Florida Monday. They want to be by the beach to start their new life together. He still doesn't have a job--owes me thousands in childsupport. Oh well. Supposedly, he is going to fly back once a month to see the kids---we'll see.

I sat with friends at the wedding tonight. They still can't believe he has done what he has done. Honestly, I can't either. My heart still feels broken--and I don't know when I will feel whole again. I am blessed with 4 great kids, a wonderful man with his neat kids, my health, a good job....and I still feel so devastated. I just want to be whole and happy again. When does it get easier? I wish I could feel good again. Pat

Pat - I am so sorry that you are feeling like this though I can relate..When does it get better I don't know I haven't figured that out yet myself.. But just think how lucky you are ...I mean look at all you have and be grateful - I guess that is all we can do.. Its funny I think about my ex and I think would I ever go near him now knowing the person that he is - and the answer is NO - so why do I care that we have no relationship at all.. I don't think I miss him anymore - I think we just miss the thought that we had a complete family - and we were going to be together forever... Which is what I thought... and then to have it all ripped away -so deceitful and hurtful - I think sometimes it is just alot to take on... But you know what we have made it this far and we will continue to go on.... and eventually we will find total happiness - and they will have to live with all they have done - and we can only hope someday that they figure out they lost the best things in their lives - and for what nothing??? So I hope you feel better - just remember you are not alone.. We have all been there and tomorrow is another day - and for every bad day there are plenty of new ones just around the corner....

Thanks Maw64,

It seems like I only post here anymore when I feel like this....sorry for the poor me attitude. I do have a lot to be thankful for--I am just so devastated still. I do mourn what should have been and never will be. Actually, it probably never really was.....

I am disappointed in myself...life is too short to continue feeling like this...but unfortunately, I still do. I miss my family--the wholeness, the completeness the specialness of it---I miss the promise of a future together--I miss the kids having their father here at home--I miss my husband--I miss our life.

The majority of the time--I can control these feelings--but today, I think I am just tired emotionally and physically. I was too busy the last couple of months with the end of school, my mother's death, her house selling, dealing with my ex moving....it has just come crashing in tonight. Thank you all for letting me vent these emotions here without criticising me...I know I need to move on....but for now, I just need to cry---and I can't do it around here....everyone here just wants to settle me in with my friend and then everything would be ok---and unfortunately, it is not ok with me yet. Sometimes I just get these overwhelming feelings of abandonment and sadness....and I know it is stupid---it is what it is...as someone said here today. My mind accepts that, but my heart is still dragging.

((((((((((miserynmissouri))))))))))

Ya know what, you both sound like you could use a great big hug

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((miserynmissouri,maw64))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

WIWH

Thank you for the hug!!! I really could use one tonight.....

This is so very hard. Ran into my old sunday school teacher tonight. When I met her, she had been substituting in our Divorce Care class. During that time, she and her husband celebrated their 25 wedding anniversary together. Last Dec. she found out he was having an affair. She was devastated. She was at the wedding tonight--I asked her how things were going. She is now working three jobs to support herself and keep herself busy....the look of hurt, I know how she is feeling. She said her divorce should be through next month. The more I am around this--the more I hate it. I am not sure if you ever recover completely from it--maybe I am wrong--but from what I have seen, people move on, but with tremendous pain hidden deep inside. That must be why God hates divorce so much. Broke my heart listening to them recite their vows tonight.....marriage is not meant to end like this--especially when there are kids involved. Just my opinion----

Oh well, tomorrow is another day....and who knows what it will hold. Thank you all for listening and putting up with these feelings again. One of these days, I promise to write something more positive. Pat

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I now how you feel. For some reason this week was extremely tough. I just want this pain to end. I am doing all the right things to move on with my life, but there is just still this emptiness.

Ill pray for you. I know its tough losing your mom (or dad...I have lost both, and no other local family for me). Its so tough to go thru that alone.

It looks like I may have to have that hysterectomy this summer after all. I had another procedure last fall in hopes of preventing this, but apparently that didnt take. One more thing that I have to go thru by myself. I have a guy friend, and my D is so supportive, but thats not the way it was supposed to be.

Smiles,
Dawn

{{{{{Pat, Maw, Dawn}}}}}

Be kind to yourself. Weddings and funerals bring back all the memories of what might have been or as Pat said, what should have been but probably never was.

You all sound the way I feel at times. I, too, have a new "friend," a nice man who treats me so much better than my H did, but it still doesn't take away all the hurt. Even though my H moved in with OW about 3.5 years ago (and there's been no contact other than meetings with lawyers for about 2 years), I'm still struggling to get divorced. He seems to want to drag it out indefinitely while I continue to support him (and OW).

I have learned a lot and grown a lot. I don't ever want to go back to the way things were, but... I still feel the pain of losing the connection to the past and the belief I had in "happily ever after." My new life began at 47 with breast cancer followed by betrayal at 49 and now divorce and living alone at 53. I'm on the opposite coast from the rest of my family running a business that my H and I started together. It's nothing like I planned.

God bless you Pat.
It is very difficult to lose a parent and have to go thru the big D as well. This week commemorates the fifth anniversary of my father's untimely death at fifty eight years young.

You showed grace and dignity and remember...we are still writing the book of our life. It's not done yet. I myself think that the best parts are to come. In every great novel there are trials, conflict, and a turning point. I think maybe we are right there and luckily, we've made it to this point with a few good friends we've found here.

And while it's not part of God's good plan, divorce that is...it's part of man and his many shortcomings. We are not perfect thus so many failed marriages and broken families. But in knowing that I was faithful, I was honest and a good wife and mother still, gives me hope that I can do so much more with this life.

Like the others here, I am no longer wanting the past. It's sad because my son grows up in a broken home now, but he sees me as his mother being strong, not broken day by day via the hand of his father. Not anymore. He sees how a woman should be respected and we have so much quality time together. Only thing that makes me mad or uneasy is that I have to let my son visit his dad as much as the decree allows as deep down I don't believe him to be a good or decent father or man anymore. Like others am still struggling with the finances and the aftershocks of a family divded. But we'll make it. I'm too darn stubborn to not succeed for my son's sake. And then there's this whole grey area called dating. The old rules to me, imho, don't really apply anymore. I don't even know what the rules are and can't remember them even if I tried to do that. But one day I think I'll meet the storybook prince. I hope so. If not, I will just sit in my comfy chair in my office (aka throne) and announce that there will be no prince in my kingdom and bypass that whole thing and crown myself princess...lol...

Weddings and funerals are two very stressful events. I too shy away from weddings as I am not able to stand and watch as a couple makes their vows just yet. Two years ago my best friend married and I sang in her wedding the Lord's Prayer (I too am a singer btw). My son was their ring bearer. And it was so difficult to sing I remember because I was heartbroken due to the events unfolding in my disentegrating marriage. I remember the only way I got thru the song was to focus on some window panes in the back of the chapel which were shaped like a cross. That got me thru it. But I had to silently excuse myself and walk away during the recitation of vows. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't be able to say them ever again myself should marriage even be something that will happen to me again.

God bless you all. Somehow thru this we've managed to become tough as nails but still have been able to retain grace, compassion and love for others.

Thank you all for your replies,

Still kinda of down today. I think all the emotional experiences of the last couple months have really caught up to me.

My two youngest left with their father this morning. My other daughter is at work and my oldest is in South Carolina working at the beach this summer. So I have the house to myself today--and I think I am just going to take it easy. Unpacking can wait for a little while...I think.

It is amazing to me how we have all gone through so much trauma....and it helps to know that people understand how I am feeling and that I am not the only one having a hard time just waltzing on with my life.

Sometimes this still just feels like a horror movie with no ending.

I am doing a little better tho. I invited bimbo and Jimbo to my home for after graduation festivities for my daughter. I didn't do great...but I did ok...that was a big one for me. I couldn't talk to them tho....

I must have surprised them by inviting them...they kept thanking me. I walked into my kitchen and he had bought a bouquet of flowers and laid them on the counter. My ex BIL came and whispered to me that Jim had given me the flowers. I picked the bouquet up and the feelings just welled up and I put them back down on the counter and walked away. When they left I through them out....so, as you can see--I still have a ways to go.

Maybe it will be better when he moves away. At least I won't have to face them at all the baseball, basketball, soccer and swimming meets.

Dawn,
Good luck with your hysterectomy...my body is doing a lot of strange things also. Had blood work done about 3 weeks ago...but haven't been in town to get the results yet.... my prayers will be with you....

LetSTry,
This is hard isn't it...it is definitely not where I thought I would be at almost 50! I think that is what made me so sad watching my mom as her life ended. We have 30 or so years left if we are lucky...I have spent so much time mourning the man I fell in love with and gave my vows to....I don't know...when I was in my 20s and thirties...I had the world by the tail. I chose to stay with my Husband--even if it wasn't the greatest marriage. Now, at almost 50-I don't know how to get that enthusiasm/optimism back. That wedding really hit me last night...they are so young and fresh and optimistic...I want that back. I am who I am now---

Justpeachy,
I have enjoyed reading your posts...and you sound so much better lately. In some ways you are lucky this happened to you when it did....rather when you are 20 0r thirty years into the marriage. I wish now I had left a lot earlier. I do have hope most days tho of a still great life ahead of me--it is just going to be tougher getting there. I keep thinking of Rose in the "Titantic"---I want to have a life like that....rich and fulfilling. Better get off my duff and start unpacking...enough of feeling sorry for myself. Thanks again you guys!!

When do you feel whole again? I have had a similar situation so when I say this, please do not accuse me of platitudes. "Walk by faith, not by sight." Feelings are important but they are not everything. There is more to you than this life, even though when your feelings are overwhelming, it does not seem like it.

I do not think one ever completely gets over divorce. You may have a terrific man and terrific kids but that which God joined together was killed. Its like loosing a beloved child. There is a hole there and God can make it beautiful with his love but the hole is there. Sin put it there (even if it wasn't your sin--it was still sin).

Sometimes you will not be able to feel better. That's ok--then walk by faith that God will help you feel better later. And sometimes, slowly, you will feel better and then you will know that God is making something beautiful out of that which was dead.

Hi Pat!!!

How are you doing today? I am sorry that you have been feeling down, just don't let it keep you down.

It's hard so very hard!!! We still want what was and what should be ours, it's hurtful that someone else has our husbands and they are living the life that we should be.

I am going to be a grandma in September and the first thought thru my mind is we are not going to be grandma and grandpa!!! I am going to be Grandma Dawn and he will be Grandpa and Celia. It really hurt and I felt very bad about being so very selfish. But then me being me started cracking a joke or two. My mom was only 40 when my son was born and she said being grandma wasn't so hard it was having to sleep with grandpa that she didn't like!!! My thought is I don't have to sleep with grandpa!!!

What I want for you Pat is to be down that's ok we all need to be able to feel what we do we just can't let it overtake the good things that we do have in our lives. And I know that you have lots of good, you may have to look a little hard but there are many good things that you have. You have 4 awesome beautiful children that love you un-conditionally I am sure there are many more that you can think of, right them down so that you have them to look at when you are feeling down.

Hey have a good week, enjoy the time on your own.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pat,
I can relate to your story, because I lost my Mom in November. My garage is full of my Mom's things as well. I spent the weekend at her house saying goodbye to my childhood memories, as it will sell this week. Our stories are not the same, but so very similar. I separated from my H a short month before my Mom's death. Not only did I have to deal with the pain of separating from an abusive H, but also the loss of my closest friend, my mother. It has not been easy, but my faith in God and the support of my grown children have been my refuge.

Although I am sorry for you suffering, it is strangly comforting to know that someone else is facing the same thing. Maybe we can draw from each other's strengths. I know I have already been encouraged this evening. Thank you for sharing your story.