Have been a single parent nearly 18 yrs and too busy to date much. 3 yrs ago encourage by my daughters and a friend to try on-line dating, and met a great guy, (At the time I was 48 and he was 52)

He was up front with me about his pending divorce, that he had a 10 yr old daughter and he lived about 2 hrs from me...Never have I even consider dating a married man an option; yet for some reason I was blind sided by my own stupidity to even consider seeing him...Well, as you may have quessed, I allowed this man to sweep me off my feet. I had dated for a few months other gentlemen I had met from Match.com and just was enjoying the new dating experiance, not really wanting to get too serious at the time. Then meeting this man was like magic, we found much in common and enjoyed one another's company like we had known one another for yrs...

We had an undeniable connection.. Within 3 mths, things were intimate and he was only the third man in my life that I had ever had such a relationship with...I believe we did go too fast with this and I am not an advocate of premarital relations...I have raised my daughters to wait for marriage and to honor their Christian upbringing. Bottom line, I knew it was all wrong for all the right reasons...One big, one, he was still married and I was not his wife... Well, he all of a sudden decided to try and work things out with his wife...My heart was broken....It was 6 mths later before I saw him again and we began to see one another again (Divorce was on again)and over the next few months it was spiratic.. I found out they were still living together while the D was proceeding, too strange... After a while I stopped it because I suspected this was more a physical thing with him and I wanted more in our relationship....For a yr and half we e-mailed or talked on the phone on occassion but never saw one another...The D was final this last February and we met for lunch at a restuarant half way between our respective homes, it was great and He asked me out for the following weekend....Which he cancelled the following Thursday, stating his daughter had another volleyball tournament...(I know he was lying)

He has full custody of his daughter due to the fact his EX has re-enlisted in the reserves and has gone to Iraq for a yr (She actually left that morning he and I met for lunch)...That was a shocker, she must be my age....Anyway he has also struck out on his own in his career area....

Now I am so confused....He is like a yo yo....On one day and off the next....I realize he has been facing some new challenges with the finalizing of the divorce, full custody of his daughter and now his new career responsibilites... But I can't seem to get a straight answer from him about anything...Not living in the same town is tough..
I have cut it off with him so many times now, I believe he thinks he can walk in and out of my life at any whim..

At times I think I am dealing with a player, who knows....Any insight from anyone would be appreciated...

Listen to your inner voice (intuition). There is nothing more powerful for a woman. Don't let it get drowned out by your emotions for him.

He could be afraid.
He could be using you.
He could be confused.
He could be wishy-washy.

One thing's for sure, he isn't communicating about it, he isn't being upfront with you. Whether you are with him or someone else, is that the kind of relationship you really want? Sounds like you have waited this long for something better... demand it of yourself.

Your the OW now.

Of course I am tainted against the Internet because of my own situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I believe he thinks he can walk in and out of my life at any whim.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Bottom line, I knew it was all wrong for all the right reasons... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One big, one, he was still married and I was not his wife... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect, break it off with this guy immediately! You already know the many reasons why you should!

Read all available on this site regarding the addictions of an affair and how to end them.

I say "affair" because you should have ran for the hills when you found out that he was married and had lied to you.

What do your daughter's think?

Although it won't be easy, there's much to learn if you truly want change, you've found a great place (MB's) to help you, welcome!

Listen to Ragamuffin.

Is there really such a wonderful connection or have you just been a 'handy' diversion? If you were both needy at the same time, you may have been good at meeting immediate needs but not good for the long haul.

Drop him like a hot potato, and start looking to date for awhile, with no seriousness. It is too soon.

You know this guy is a liar and a cheater. Is that what you deserve?

The time line speaks for itself. Really does.

It was THREE YEARS AGO when you met him. You also know this man's wife was enlisted and was serving our country in the US Armed Forces overseas. While she's serving OUR country and protecting OUR freedom, he's out sneaking around and cheating like mad.

It took him three years to get divorced. Why? Would you consider this a normal time frame? And when he left you to go back to his wife that should have been more than enough to get it thru your head that he is unfortunately a predator and unable to become the kind of man you believe or think you might have met.

The internet is a wierd thing. I have a girlfriend who met a few guys via it and a man, or woman, could pretend to be anybody they wish to be online. Who other than a pure predator could be fishing online for a vulernable woman (just like you) while they are a married man. If he was when you met him "going thru a divorce" then it would have been immediately pending and he would have been able to show you papers and there would be some sort of definite date. But that's the HUGE warning signal there. He was STILL LEGALLY MARRIED. BTW...for two years before I DECIDED to separate from my xh, he was sneaking around and when he met mistress one, he told her that he lived alone in his (our home) and that he had "sole custody" of his son and had a live-in nanny to be caretaker of son and such a large home while he worked about 60 hours a week(this would be me I assume). Lies lies lies. Made to make the snake look like the snake charmer.

And yes my dear, in continuing to see a legally married man and knowing that he was, you are now an OW and it doesn't matter that you know what the Good Book says about it, or that it's wrong, because you did it and are still waffling about this very issue today. That would be called "fog" dear. And he may only have custody because of fact his wife is overseas defending the freedoms of others and she's not able to right now. I hope she gets back and assumes full custody because as you stated, this liar also isn't really able to support anybody b/c he has a sketchy job history as well.

You decided to become an OW and he got the divorce. That is horribly sad. And you also stated that he's been lying again about his daughter's sports games and making excuses. Quite possibly he's rethinking his position as a certifiable snake and realizing he lost his wife over this affair.

Last week I got a phone call from my xh's new W...aka the "wistress". That's what I call her now. She's 10 years younger than me and nothing at all like me morally or personally or in terms of education nor intelligence. When (due to a sticky estate division and his being also a certifiable snake and not disclosing income nor monies) our divorce wasn't an immediate thing as she preferred it to be, she "forgot" to take her birth control pill and swallowed the watermelon seed. Our divorce was final December 26 and she married him the following week in her 8th month of pregnancy. This "woman" called me to ask me "Why don't you like me....I swear it seems as if you hate me?" before getting to the real issue of calling b/c she had to pick up son instead of x as decree states, because x was still on a vacation to mexico. I was shocked and awestruck by her comment to me.

I replied, "No, I do not hate you, but I have absolutely NO REGARD FOR YOU AT ALL." That's the truth. Then she replied to me and I was fully expecting a scalding remark from his most foggy wistress "well it's not like it's me who has the problem with lying...it's Jethro (my x)".

So here's a really sad story I am telling to you. One woman deliberately goes after a married man and father. Man follows his private parts and follows the "new thing" in his life forgetting how wonderful his wife was and how much his little son needed him. Mistress gets desperate because divorce doesn't proceed fast enough...as the Man promised her it would. There would always be a holdup of sorts (yea, I slept with my xh 3 times during our separation)so she took matters into her little hands and forced the divorce to follow through by getting deliberately preggers. We divorce and she marries him by default five days later...a la Jennifer Lopez. They play happy family a few months and then just as I knew it would happen, the lie would crash down as it is a fact he's already cheated on her now and she is calling me up stating how much of a liar my xh and her new H is.

Do you want this? In continuing this destructive affair you are also showing your own daughter that it's ok to break apart families and are not being a strong role model nor a moral role model to her. I hate to be so harsh, but I lived this and although I would not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE NOW take my xh back, the destruction will alwways remain and it lasts a lifetime. You can't take it back. But you can leave the snake where he lies.

Let's go easy on the new person.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok, it's been 3 years, you say yourself that the guy is a yo-yo, and is walking in and out of your life.

Doesn't sound like a good guy to hang around. He's messing with your mind, and your emotions.

When you're a single parent and alone it gets lonely - I know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Man, do I ever!

But - you can do so much better!

Give yourself higher standards - you deserve it!

Start looking for someone who might meet your exacting criteria... no pending divorce, treats you like the awesome gal you are, calls when he says he will, makes time for you, emotionally healthy and stable, cute as a button....

Empower yourself, call the shots in your life...

And get this creep to back off... don't call him, don't take his calls. If you can't do that you'll just get wrapped up in it.

The internet is a funny thing when it comes to dating, not only can people lie about who they are, the honest people find it really easy to share way too much about who they are. When you share that much with someone you feel like there is some kind of connection - but really, there isn't.

When I read your post I thought of what my friend used to say when I was dating a creep...

He's just using you E!

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: justthewife ]</small>

Thank you all for your replies....How embarressed I have been over my feelings of desire for this looser.... He truely has crossed the line so often that even my daughters have proclaimed him not worthy of my affection....It is over now and as far as being the OW,,,,that was never the case....I refused to see him over a yr and a half ago when he told me his ex was in and out of the home (Which he never left)Just this last Feb his D was final and he contated me Mid March, the day his ex went to Iraq....That upset me when he told me, especially for thier daughter, 13 now....How could she leave like that,,,,it made me cry....I am very concerned for her and pray for God to cover her with His protection and bring her home safely....I do want her to find a man that will truly appreciate her and love her....She does deserve this in her life...
...
I did learn a hard lesson about giving my heart to someone that was not truely available...It has not been my way to even flirt with a married man...I have always respected the institution of marriage and always defended its santity when it came to extramarital affairs....
God bess and keep you all,,,,thank you again....

P.S. Thank you Flygirl....I believe you did get the picture and nailed it ....

Sorry to be a bit harsh, but I was on other side of the fence ok?

And know how hard it's being a single mom. It's hard and you are vulernable. BTW...I've had some girlfriends with horror stories from internet dating as well...same thing...married guys..like I said they can pretend to be anything or anybody they wish to be.

And as the daughter of an Air Force officer, I understand what happened. His xw probably did not want to be deployed either. She might be in reserves. I am on an executive board and last year, our president got orders along with his wife (also a reservist in medical corps) to report for duty and they'd be shipped overseas to Iraq. Happened in less than a week the whole thing. Both are parents to three children. So both parents had to go. But both believe in preserving our freedom so I don't believe in a heartbeat that she wanted to go...but it was her job. And she deserves someone when she desires to have somebody in her life to love her...


And even a year and a half ago you had ample time to figure out this guy is nothing but trouble. Nothing but trouble. He will create a path of destruction in any life he touches until either he finds faith or repents and turns from his sins and decides to make better life choices.

What I am wondering and only friendly wondering is why are you here on MB and on the divorced forum? I fully understand and appreciate and think it's incredibly awesome that you are here at MB (welcome) and are learning positive ways to enhance a positive and future relationship. I am working on my skills to. But most of us on this specific forum are dealing with fallout of divorce or current issues with pending divorces.

He's toxic hon. Stay outta his life and don't even attempt to get inside of his foggy little head ok?