Hello everyone-

Well I just returned from my week out of town. The kids were with my XH and OW while I was gone. They also ended up spending every day at my Mom's and also one night. So much for other accomodations. It proved to be just another in a long string of power struggles and I am glad it worked out in the end. The kids had a good and non-eventful week.

Now I am embarking on what will probably prove to be a challenging week at best. After months of waiting I am headed to court on Friday over custody issues. I still haven't been contacted by anyone including the mediator so I don't know if my XH has agreed to the terms of our mediation or is rejecting them. If he agrees to them it is a simple issue of signing a few papers, otherwise the fighting begins, at least I think as I am clueless as to what happens. I refuse to ask my XH what he has decided as it totally empowers him, but am getting a bit nervous as I have never done this before and have no clue what to expect.

Funny thing is that two and a half years ago as we were divorcing he gladly gave them to me to ensure his carefree lifestyle with the OW so I never went through any of the typical custody battles. Now that he finds himself settling down again and strapped for cash he seems to think that by gones should be by gones and I should just hand them over. They are half his you know! Unfortunately the lovely state of WI makes it madatory that we go through all this mess irregardless of past history, etc. It makes me so angry! Granted I will most likely prevail in the end, but it will be at the expense of many nerves, much sleep, and a whole lot of money. Anyway, we head to court on Friday so I am sure this week will be a tough one.

Then my XH finally weds the OW on Saturday. Four years after the relationship started they are making it official. In typical star crossed lover fashion they only had to overcome the obstacles of the birth of his last child, his divorce, and her graduation from college to be together. Isn't it romantic? From the tension that I have seen between them in the last few months I wonder how long it will take them to become yet another affair marriage statistic. Oh well, I really don't care. To add to the irony though, he will be in court fighting over custody of the kids with me one day and getting married by the justice of the peace the next. It will be a small event with only family and friends, of which there are few. I would love to say I'm sure they'll make a handsome couple, but I was raised not to lie.

Other than the custody issues I am totally at peace with everything. I saw him today and he may have a new house and a new wife, but other than that he is still the same old jerk. Nothing has changed and I thank God every day that he is almost completely out of my life. She can have him. They deserve each other.

Well, that's about it. If anyone has any words of wisdom on how to handle the court thing or the wedding for that matter, not really for me, but for the kids, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks!

Take care and God bless!
K

I have an update of sorts that I want to run by you in addition to the things mentioned in my first post. I talked to a friend just a while ago. I called to say I was back and to catch up a bit. She asked how I was doing and I said that I am getting nervous about the upcoming week.

She then told me that while I was gone my XH's employer announced major layoffs, retirement buyouts, etc. and what looked like eventual closing of the plant he works for here in town. She said that right now my XH's job is safe, but the layoffs and retirements mean a major restructuring of work hours, etc. She asked if my XH had mentioned any of it to me and of course he hadn't.

What this means is that with the changing hours at work, etc. it puts a whole new set of wrinkles in our custody plan. He will be working longer hours and therefore, be able to have less time with the kids. I am willing to bet money however that he will not bring this up before court. What should I do now? The changes will make him less available than he already is, yet I know he will try to push things ahead as planned to reduce child support then rely on the OW or should I say new wife to keep the kids when he is supposed to be there. Do I talk to him about it or just get my ducks in a row and bring it up at court?

I know someone in management and have left a message for them to call me. I want to get all the facts straight. My XH's rocking the boat has already upset me, but with these impending changes it just furthers my resolve to keep things stable for the kids. This is one roller coaster I want to keep them from having to ride.

As always your input is needed and appreciated.

Take care and God bless!
K

God bless you and I'll be praying for you this week. And yes, it is definitely WS modem operandii to remarry and then try to either change custody issues, or change child support or spousal support issues if they remarry.

Suddenly they have this other person and maybe even their kids to support. There's is whammo! Less money to play wayward with. So something has to give. And we're the ones expected to give in. Wrongo.

My x is exactly doing the same thing. He's moving to another county soon. Has new jetskis, and luxury suv and will be l iving on a lakefront lot. And he also has a very expensive new wistress/wife and she gave birth to a baby girl a few months back. But alas...what is Mr. Selfish to do when he has to pay (albeit less than law should allow) child support and alimony to me.

thus my x is throwing a fit trying to get the new wife to watch son during the time I am working so that he won't have to pay for childcare and then he can also show that he has son more custody time than I do (the man think I am an idiot or something) and is even threatening to take me to court in August because I won't hand my son over to him during the time I am working ( I have proper childcare for my son during this time btw) and give him his way.

Keep this always in mind when you deal with the x.

I know you'll be hurting this week and I hope that his "romantic wedding" will have it's edge taken off by the custody hearing in court the day before. And let's hope he's hidden enough assets when his affair marrige crumbles b/c she'll be after what's left of his money then.

Thanks Peachy-

I've followed your story for a while and sympathize with you as well. These men and their women just don't get it.

Unlike your story however, there is no real money. My XH doesn't have a lucrative career. He also pissed away all of our money during the course of our marriage on alcohol and gambling. Of course now he is reformed (says him), but still unwilling to leave within his means. When he moved out he said he would be willing to live in his truck in order to be free. Funny thing that never materialized and quickly turned into I deserve more, why should you have a life and I not. Quite simply, he does have a life, but due to his choices and his obligations it is not what he feels he is entitled too. Keep in mind that he was told that the divorce would be finacially devestating and would keep him financially hindered for years, but in typical fashion he chose to ignore the facts and now is crying foul.

Of course he has the OW pushing him because she wants a better life than he is financially capable of providing her too. She is not nearly as balsy as your X's wistress though and has told many that she is waiting to make it legal to have a child of "their" own. I'm assuming that birth control has become a thing of the past now that the wedding is only a week away. I can also only assume that when this child comes her willingness to play nanny to my children will fade away as well, but right now she is looking at dollar signs so anything looks good.

I am worried for my kids. When I look at the XH and OW they look stressed. They should be glowing and blissfully happy. They are not, I have been told by multiple people. She rightfully doesn't trust him and smothers him. He relies on her for many things so he goes along with it. They are caught in a trap of their own making, but neither are smart enough to get out. How can I in good conscience thrust my kids into this? I know what it was like to live that way and I luckily was able to break free, even if it wasn't my choice. My children are thriving, why send them backwards?

I am at peace with the wedding. I came to realize long ago that I don't want this man and am far better off without him. As for their romance, let's just say that they are far enough along in their affair romance that the fog has lifted and that once greener grass is now a dingy brown. Their wedding has taken so long to get here that in the time being it has gone from being a huge event to a quicky justice of the peace ordeal. They have both sacrificed so much in the name of their love. I wonder if they ever think about it and have regret. I can tell you one thing, it is definately not what I want!

Thanks for the support.

Take care and God bless!

K

SR, first, confirm that the mediation is still scheduled for Friday. My X had it changed twice - just because he could with a single phone call. And it takes a month to reschedule.
And I'd ask him in writing about the layoffs and his work hours, so that it can be discussed in detail at the mediation. Let him know that you know.
good Luck, and don't sweat it. The mediators have seen through people who are only it it for themselves and to save the money.

Thanks newly-

You are always so calm and to the point. You do wonders for my nerves.

I checked with the person in management where my XH works and I have been informed correctly. As it stands my XH will be working a lot of forced overtime which means more money for him, but less time for the kids. This makes me wonder where he will stand with all of this as I wonder if the extra money he will be making and the lack of time the extra hours will leave him with will have changed his intentions.

I will have to ask him about it, but it is just so hard as he lies so much. I will ask to get it put in writing from work as he always seems to think this will work for him. In our initial mediation meeting he took out a letter from work which confirmed work hours and income that he thought would work in his favor. The mediator pointed out that based on that letter he actually was underpaying me and she asked what his point was. You could just see his blood boil as he turned beet red. At least if I have it in writing there will be no room for him to lie.

I also have a call in to the mediator which I am waiting to have returned. I just find it weird that I haven't heard anything that confirms Friday's court appearance and where things stand. Is this normal?

As for myself, I have the kids a lot this week so I will be thankfully preoccupied with them, but my nerves are starting up. No matter what the facts are and how sure of myself I am I still can't help, but worry that he'll be able to run yet another scam on them. Am I paranoid or nuts!

Thanks for the input.

Take care and God bless!
K

We get ourselves agitated because we want resolution to these issues.
My X canceled mediation and I had no notice. When I spoke to the mediator she said "oh, your H said you were OK with this" Yeah right.
One of the best sayings I've read on this site is "either you pray or you worry, there's no point in doing both".
You have no control over this. Just relax about it.

And about the time, I differ with JP. In my state, it's overnights which count, not daytime hours. So even if your X works later (as in overtime), as long as he has them overnight, it counts as his time with them.

I don't know how much you can legally get in writing from his employer, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

newly-

Would you sign in as my individual counselor? Your calm words of wisdom do wonders for me. You are so right about time wasted worrying. There is nothing that I can do about this. I can only continue to trust in God, that the facts will prevail.

I think what is getting the best of me is the time spent waiting. It has been a year since the OW moved back to town and in with my XH. A year since he then decided that he was paying too much child support and wanted the kids 50/50. It started as just threats, but then materialized to him filing for the change. Then he was told he had to wait six months because we hadn't been divorced long enough (2 years) to change anything about custody. Six months of wondering what would happen. Well, then came the long awaited time of February and as predicted he filed immediately and yet another waiting game started. We had our mediation meeting and seemingly came up with an agreement, but then he waivered on accepting it or not, our court date has been changed twice already and I am assuming it is still on as the courts are really good about notifying us of any changes. The mediator however is another thing. She is totally laid back and wishy washy. She has given him all the time in the world to make his decision. As far as I know he still hasn't. Thus the waiting game is getting to me. I am a true believer in wanting to know the truth so you can deal with it. It is the fear of the unknown that gets to me. I keep reminding myself that I have handled everything that he has thrown at me in the past and that this to will pass, but in the mean time I keep praying for it to end.

We too are based on overnights, a fact that greatly dismays my XH as he works shift work and has to work nights two out of three weeks. A fact that greatly hinders his parenting time as he is unavailable when the kids are. Call me crazy, but I don't buy into his idea that time with the OW, his soon to be wife, qualifies as time with him no matter how much he wishes it would.

I am still waiting for that call back from the mediator. I'm sure in typical attorney fashion they have to pull the file, confer over it, etc, etc. There is never a quick answer.

Thanks for the support, I will keep you posted.

Take care and God bless!
K

I have been supported by some great people both here and off the boards.
Another great saying "Approach things from a point of love, not from fear."
You fear that he will get more time, however, in love, you have given your children time with you, and time with their father (by not badtalking him).
The courts don't want to get involved and want parent's to solve this for themselves, in the best interest of the children. Know what you realistically want, and bring that to the mediation table. If X hasn't considered the options presented the last time, the mediator will likely take your recommendation as you've considered the children.
The children need stability and a regular schedule, and they need to see both parents. Do what it takes to make it work for everyone. Each party walks away from mediation feeling as if they've given in - but its for the children - not for you.
(I've written this to you before though, haven't I!)

Yes, we have been here before, but that's what totally upsets me about the whole situation. I was not pleased with the mediated agreement, but after some time, thought, and prayer, I realized it would allow my XH more time with the kids and at the same time keep their stability and security in check. He then immediately started pressuring me to make changes to the agreement. I put him off for a while, but then heard him off and found the changes he was asking for were minimal and had no real effect on the agreement. I then asked for a few minor changes myself and thought we were headed to agreement. That's when he brought up money and totally undercut what he owes in support. He literally took what he is supposed to pay in child support and cut it in half. I calmly explained to him that I did not feel comfortable discussing the money agreement as what he was asking was not acceptable. I do have four children to take care of. It was then that he blew claiming I was unreasonable and greedy. He said he'd hired an attorney and was taking me to court where he'd win. I calmly told him I was sorry he felt that way, but since he did I would see him there. That happened a,most two months ago and we haven't talked about it since. He has yet to hire an attorney and I think is waiting for me to give in.

The problem is that we will not be seeing a mediator anymore. If he doesn't accept the agreeement we are headed to court so it will be totally out of our hands. I think it is awful that he is willing to do this. He couldn't care less about what is best for the kids.

I am biting my tongue off presenting him as a loving father to my kids. He loves nobody.

Can you tell I'm more than a bit emotional about this?

Take care and God bless!
K

What irks me about mediation is the give part. When one party is just living life normally, and the other party wants to disrupt things as your x does. And I am all about compromise when appropriate. Keep that part in mind. Are you willing for any acceptable losses here? Since your x and his new w to be are wanting to spend more time with you kids (aka less child support in reality), I think it would be beneficial to mention that there's been some sort of "discovery" that could affect their having the kids that much. You could get your attorney to allude to "background checks" or something like that and make them think that some huge skeleton in the closet has popped out and that while you are all for the kids seeing their father, the change would be negative for them. Also have carefully documented with you when OW moved in, does she have children and if so are they spending the night under such circumstances (living together without marriage openly in front of children), and the times you children have been with you and how long this has been the status quo.

It's definitely something my attorneys had to do. We had to many times make Jethro think he was about to go down in flames for him to comply and he was not somebody who could be dealt with during a mediation. If somebody has an agenda and they're wanting to push their agenda thru, they will stop at nothing. Something that is good to have is a background check on the OW. I have done so on mistress/wife. She had little to no earnings so to speak and was basically supported by him via cash transactions year before last. Showed her driving record and wrecks she's had as well. Now if I go back to mediation, I will show fact 1)she didn't put my son in carseat all the time and 2)she has record of vehicle accidents. Both correlate and show her to be irresponsible. Plus my x went out of town alot and that would show increased time with the OW/Wife and combine that with fact she is not good role model and unsafe driver will drive point home without going in front of a judge. You can "allude" to alot of this as sometimes if you do have to go to court, you don't want to make it too easy for them to be able to combat your allegations.

And yes, in the end you must do what's best for kids with love in your heart, but you must also do what is right as well. Sometimes there can be a compromise, but in other cases it is not good. That is up to you.

Do an internet background check today and go over negative results of OW with you lawyer. You might want to do a background check on your x while at it b/c there might be alot of things you're not aware of since you two separated. For example, mine has several arrests and also the restraining order and him being found guilty of trespassing on my property exists.

You are not going to court. It's way too much money and the judge will kick it back to the lawyer's for what it is - an attempt to lower CS.

Believe it will work. Otherwise, it's back to the lawyers, and X will spend more on his lawyer than he'd actually have to pay in support. Make sure you put it in those terms.
If mediation fails, don't forget to ask her/him how long this would take to resolve - in legal hours. If they say 10-20 hours each lawyer, and
if your lawyer & X's is $200/hour each, it would cost each of you $2000 - $4000 or or $6000 total. Divide this by 12 months / year, and it is $500/month. Then ask him, wouldn't he rather have $500 extra per month to support his kids, or his lawyer. Which is more important?
You need to draw your line in the sand, and hold it until the last minute. If you can walk out of mediation with an agreement, it's better for everyone.

Good Luck.

If you go to the court, focus ONLY on what's the best for children, don't badmouthing him, be calm, RATIONAl, speak what's the best for the kids even if it'll give him some privileges... and - be prepared for anything.

There was a period too I was scared what X might do (to decrease CS which is, in his case and according to his salary, $300 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ); I couldn't allow him having our son (now 2,5 yrs. old) 50/50 time/living with him, I'd fight till my last heartbeat (nor X'd stand it... I'm sure after just a few days he'd beg me to take our son away from him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )...
Anyway, I read a lot on the net... I was ready for any battle... I even oferred him total release of CS payings!...
Well, I didn't need... he never fought... (We agreed on have 50/50 legal custody, permanent residence with me)...

Try to see if you can find something here (scroll down, you'll find "Child Custody Discussion by State") http://www.childcustody.org/activities/disc114_post.htm
from the same link: http://www.custodyevaluation.com/
also, http://www.custody911.com/frameset_child_custody_911.htm
and there are many other links - how to win custody...

I'm sure you have no reason to worry at all!
But - be prepared & ready! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

Thanks Peachy-

I agree with you on compromising to a point, but it has to be appropriate and I have come to the conclusion long ago that my XH is not one to compromise. It is his way or no way, and when he gets something he only comes back for more. That is why I felt the mediation would be fair. It gave way more than I felt deserved or appropriate, but it still kept the basic well being of the kids in mind. In short it stretched me beyond my limits and was as far as I am willing to go.

As far as background checks, the OW is squeaky clean, not so much as even a traffic ticket. She is a certifiable home body and other than her lack of judgement in choosing men has nothing to hold against her. My XH on the other hand is the one with the issues. He is an alcoholic (now in recovery for umteenth time) with multiple DUI arrests as well as a few others. The last two DUI's were after our divorce. He currently has no driver's license and can't get it back for another year, leaving him totally dependent on the OW for transportation needs. This is where he wants to start fresh and forget the past. He actually told me right before mediation that I can't judge him on his past record and am only allowed to use the past year in determining his ability as a parent. Forget the fact that our oldest child is almost twelve. He is so far into denial and she is so love struck that they actually believe that these things don't matter. Numerous people have stated that with his record you would think he would avoid going to court at all costs, yet he seems to be relishing the thought.

As for the living together etc. WI doesn't care. They are so no fault that you can get away with almost anything here. It makes me ill! I could go on and on about the moral ramifications of my XH, but it would be wasted breath.

I am trying to be fair. Not once have I fought to take away custody from him, even in the height of his drinking and gambling. I do believe he has a right to a relationship with them and them with him. As a mother however, who has been the on consistant parent these kids have known, I have to fight for their stability and well being. I do believe he should have time with them, but I believe that it should be watched closely and limited so that they are not effected by the day to day negative effects of living with him. Even if he isn't drinking, he isn't in counseling and has major demons to deal with.

Thank you for the support. Keep it coming, it is going to be a rough week!

Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks again newly and belonging-

I truly hope we will not go to court. My XH has told me multiple times he wants to avoid it, but I have left him no choice. I have laid out the financial costs, everything. I am truly praying he is simply bullying me and holding out for me to give in at the last minute, but I will not simply give him his way. There are too many lives depending on this.

The mediator's office has still not called back and they can't call soon enough as far as I am concerned. I simply need to know where I am headed.

If in fact we do go to court I have done my homework. My XH has absolutely nothing against me and is basing his whole case on the fact that WI is a 50/50 state. What he is ignoring are the facts that say that although it is a 50/50 state when both parties are on equal terms, that all cases must be interpretted differently based on their individual merit.

Thank you all for you input and support. You are settling my nerves and making me focus in on the facts. I have been a good parent and always put my children first. We will get through this.

Take care and God bless!
K

I don't believe a court will give 50/50 if a parent doesn't agree. It would never benefit children, and they would decide according to these 'child custody evaluations'...
But I believe that sometimes win who speaks better...
(I wouldn't have a chance with my so well-speaking X... if not for some facts about his drinking and some other things...)

I have seen people here in town who have lost and had to go to 50/50, but they really had no reason against the 50/50 other than their maternal instincts and own feelings. I however have a court record along with a history of alcoholism, irresponsibility, violence, etc. What was I thinking you say when I married him? I was young in love and really believed he simply needed someone who really loved and believed in him. Oh how foolish!

I guess I am not quite as foolish as the OW however as she has seen what he did to me and yet is too young and in love to believe it can happen to her. They are different you know.

Right now we are at joint custody with me having primary placement 85% to his 15%. A few lawyers, the mediator included right in front of me, have said the chance of him getting 50/50 is slim to none and that is not even taking into account his issues. It is simply basing it on both of our parenting histories and his shift work. Therefore, I feel the mediated 70/30 was more than fair to him and am more than upset that he is not accepting it.

Then again, I am still waiting almost six hours later to hear back from the mediator's office to hear where we stand. What's up with that?

Thanks again for the input.

Take care and God bless!
K

Ok, don't expect to hear back from the mediator today. As long as you hear back before Friday, you're doing fine.
And you are right, he should just accept the 70/30, but he feels the need to fight (or at least show OW that he tried). Then if he doesn't get it, he can blame you, the mediator and the courts - just as long as he doesn't have to blame himself.
He's an alcoholic ---- remember - he's not responsible for anything. It's always someone else's fault.
Don't try to rationalize his actions. If necessary for your sanity, reread Melodie Beatty's Codependency books, because you are doing it again. Trying to understand his motives. Why bother?

Breathe and forget about it until Friday!

Okay newly now add psychic to your list of qualifications too. I am a reader and was just thinking of what book I could read to prepare for this and keep my sanity and Melody Beatty's books came to mind. I hate to admit it, but when I read them the first time I was totally freaked out as I read so much about me in them. You are right, I am falling into dumb old patterns and rationalizing him is one. Thanks for pointing this out. In his mind he is totally blameless for this whole mess and always will be. What was I thinking? It will always be somebody else's fault with him and it is definately not worth the time and effort thinking about it.

Also, I guess I am just dumb enough to believe someone, even lawyers, when they say they'll call back. I am giving up on that as well. The kids and I are heading out shopping for a birthday present for my nephew and then out to do something fun for the rest of the afternoon. I will check back later.

Thanks again, you are a great cheerleader!

Take care and God bless!
K

It is so easy to see clearly when you are not the one in the thick of it.
I tried too long to rationalize his actions. I am/was codependent. And when you are out of the everyday stuff with a codependent, it is so much easier to live normally - yet so easy to get pulled back in.
I know you want your children to have the father they deserve. All that you can hope for is that he'll be the best father he can be to them. And in his mind, I'm sure he's a model father.

Have you read "The Prayer of Jabez"? It's such a short book and definitely worthy of a read before Friday.

Also, I can't remember the ages of all of your children, but please introduce them to Al-anon for their own mental health in the future. Even if he is recovered, the A affected their lives.