I have had a marriage of 17 years end with the culmination of discovering years of adultery by my husband. I did not know earlier because it was covered up by various church leaders. This pained me because I "felt" something was wrong but didn't know what.

Then when everything finally came out, the church abandoned me, refused to help and condemned me for not "holding it together" and "not having enough faith." Its a horribly long story because of the secrecy and lies but my current problem is I am having trouble forgiving them for this and I really want to. I have a hard time trusting anyone who goes to church.

When I go to church now, I am like a second class citizen because I'm "divorced." I walk in the door and everyone sees a single mom first, and a person second. When I suggest that I might know anything, I'm looked at with suspicion. I'm the innocent party!!!! I didn't do anything but be faithful. How can being divorced make me unable to know anything??? I graduated magna cum laude from college and went to 2 years graduate school. I must know something. It just hurts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

oops, just trying to figure out the system. sorry.

Created, I'm so sorry for the pain your husband put you through. That can shake you to your core.

I'm also sorry about the reaction of the church you attend. I refuse to say "your" church because they certainly haven't been there for you.

You know, church is only here to help us in our personal relationship with the Maker. If the church you attend isn't helping in this aspect... time to find a new church.

The problem with church is it's run by mortals and not by God himself. Ministers and church laypeople make mistakes, sometiems huge ones. Many times they are threatened by a new situation.

It sounds like your church is one of the ones that believes women are to be submissive to their husbands, and that women have a different set of rules. There may be a tacit understanding that "Boys will be Boys" and that the wives should have faith to stay married no matter what.

If that's the case, you've voilated that code, and that scares people.

I'm terribly sorry. In my mind a church should support the injured party, and if possibly help the WS get back on the path.

And of course you still know stuff. even more than them!

I won't say what denomination i USED to be, but can say that I was told initially to hold off divorce proceedings for almost a year and that there was something wrong with me (according to a "Christian counselor"). After seeing a real p.h.d. counselor who affirmed there is absolutely nothing wrong with Peaches except for that big pit, I found out that I was not anything like the Church I had been attending.

And no, not all are like that. Now I attend a United Methodist Church in my town and their assistant minister is indeed a woman as well. I am anything but a second class citizen and they are awesome! I have also been helping a woman from my church who's gone thru same thing in a class I've attended there.

We are to mirror our Maker. Not create laws and judge like HE has only the authority to do.

I am sorry for your situation. And it happens in many churches. For example, my xh,his father was a deacon in the Baptist Church...oops? He had numerous affairs and his own marriage almost crumbled three years ago after his W found out about another affair...this one lasting three years with one of his clients. In "some" churches and denominations, they do seem to teach passivity to women and for us to "stand by our men" despite whatever they do. At my old church, they told me that the man is the head but the wife is the neck that helps turn the head but in the end, it is the head (male part) that makes the decisions b/c he is the eyes, ears, and brain of the marriage and that there can be only one leader. My x actually believes this.

Now I'm not some equal rights activist, but I always felt repressed there. I'm actually darn conservative to be known. But enough's enough. Don't criticize God or some of us who love our Lord because of the actions of a few of the hardcore pharisees out there.

What made me want to hurl was the week after my xFIL and xMIL had their blow up (and yea, they threw their relationship garbage down on us despite fact we were dealing with my husband's infidelity at the time as well and didn't mind heaping on the pressure), my xFIL attempted suicide and then two weeks later showed up in church and was "re-baptized" to make his public committment of faith after he was again caught with his drawers down.

To some, it seems if you pray hard enough, cry enough, donate enough money, for your sins that you can be "forgiven for everything" and that their congregation will embrace you again. And fundamentally, we are to indeed forgive our brothers and sisters in faith...but we aren't to become stupid idiots blindly accepting the word of known liars and adulterers either without question or reason. God made us to be loving, but definitely not stupid.

Find a new faith family. And get over feeling second class. You're not. You've been set free from something you don't deserve to endure. That is awesome!

I know it's hard, I too discovered my H's secret life. But there are churches out there that will support you through this difficulty and not treat you as a second class citizen. I know because I found one. I will pray for your current church home and should our Lord lead you, your new church home.

This walk we walk is so hard at times, but our Lord is faithful and will never leave us, even when our spouses fail us. I am going through as well. Some days are harder than others, but hopefully with time and the support of our friends and fellow believers in Christ the days will get better.

As an atheist, I just shake my head.

I'm sorry to hear about the collapse of what should be your support system.

Still, take comfort in knowing that the truth ALWAYS comes out.

Apparently, the church you're attending is the wrong one. Find another one if you wish.

The best revenge is no revenge at all for revenge requires malice and malice requires angry thoughts which will not hurt your X and will only consume you. Be happy. Surround yourself with the right kind of people. Be nice to your X. I didn't say friends, just cordial. I don't chose to be friends with cheaters. Be nice because you're a nice person, a happy person, and he'll be kicking himself forever for doing you wrong. Being nice now is the worst thing you can do to him. He wants to blame you for his affairs. Don't give him a reason to. Be nice.

My WSXW is not happy. My daughter tells me things from time to time and I can tell by my X's behavior. At this point, I just have pity for her. She married the OM and flushed her previous life down the toilet. Did I mention that she is a Christian who goes to church with the OM and teaches Sunday school? It's just a train wreck in slow motion.

Your XH will not be happy either. But, he is no longer your burden.

Remember, the truth will come out in time, maybe a long time. Don't worry about that. Just focus on being happy. People will eventually come to their senses and come back around to you. You will be the shining example of a person who did things right, even through adversity.