Back to the way it was. But I know I can't. H was abusive. But this stand sometimes get's so lonely. I have cried for four days. I know I'm doing the right thing, but still sometimes I doubt myself. Can anyone relate?

Only thing I miss was the fact I didn't have to do really very much in the marriage towards the end when x started making alot of money. He was gone all the time "on business trips" and I was alone living basically as a single mom with my little boy in a huge house. I was new in this state and didn't know alot of people and felt alone and isolated. When he started having the affairs, I think I resisted the divorce filing so much because he paid for everything...house, cars, maid and I thought that equaled love.

The abuse was horrible in the end. He made me believe that it was ME who pushed him to do those things and even said after doing something like pushing me down a flight of stairs "why did you make me do this to you again?". Being a fixer and one with a health care degree, i thought it was something wrong with me and spent far too much time trying to plan A and B him and learn ways to "improve me" instead of making x stand up and face his actions.

You've been abused. And you're the victim most liekly of domestic violence. It's a cycle you have to get out of on your own. It's almost taken three years for me to even say that I was a victim of domestic violence b/c I thought it happened to other people; stupid people or just not to people like me. But it happens everywhere. In subdivisions, in a country club like the one where I used to live, and in apartments.

Get some GOOD counseling or psych help to get you thru this. The only things I miss are material possesions btw. And not much at all anymore. It was definitely easier back then because when x was gone, life was easy. No worries, no money problems, no job as a stay at home mom and had a housekeeper as well. But was I happy? Absolutely not. Not at all. And until I got really real with myself and got the recovery help I needed did I find out that I like who I am much more now and am a million times more happier than before.

Please get some good help as it will help you focus your situation more clearly. It's not your fault he was abusive. I forget the stats I was also told, but there is a high incidence of domestic violence in homes where one spouse is committing infidelity btw.

I wish the Harleys here would explore that part of the equation as there have been many women here on the boards who have endured this. Maybe men too. There needs to be specific actions how to deal with somebody who is cheating/lying and we need to be shown how to deal with these kind of people should they turn violent to their spouses.

Thank you for your comments. As I said in another post it's strangely comforting to know someone else has been where I am.

Yes, there was infidelity in my marriage as well.
But what finally made me leave this last time was abuse. I couldn't take the abuse anymore. I was afraid. We've done the whole counseling thing and he's on medication now. But still the anger rises in him. He wants counseling again but I feel it is pointless, because even with anger management classes he still explodes and it starts again. Is there no end? Will breaking free from the marriage solve this thing or will it only add another chapter to this tragedy?

Like I said...there's a direct correlation between domestic voilence and abuser committing adultery.

Has your stbxh been evaluated by a psychiatrist rather than a counselor? My x would absolutely not go to anybody more than one time b/c he would know he'd get found out. He lied to one counselor about me completely btw..He refused and knew that if he went to a real pro, he'd get found out and they'd diagnose him with something serious...my bro an MD and my other psych I went to said he was seriously a sociopath/narcissist. If you stbxh commits to serious treatment (meds along with psychotherapy) he might respond. But anger management alone won't do the trick. You also need to find out what mental illness you're exactly dealing with. At least he's willing to go instead of as I have to deal with...having an x running around amuck and now a new dad to a daughter nontheless, a person with absolutely no conscience who loves himself to death.

But I will also add that it's much more healthy to be out of an abusive relationship. Time will show what he will do and if he will help himself. Right now you need to focus on you, the kids, and healing. That means staying away from an abuser.

After the last episode of abuse was when I left and filed as well.

Felt the same way...for a LONG time, until I figured out what I was really missing was what I never had --> a husband who was able to have a healthy relationship with his wife. What I was mourning was what I never had.

(((big hugs all around))). Yes, I can relate too. So many times I've doubted myself as to if I should really have left....was it all in my head? But it wasn't, and I have good friends and family to set me straight again, they know how it really was. Do you have a support group? Family, friends, church, crisis counselor? It really helps. Sometimes I call the crisis counselor just to talk and she points out how he is and how he isn't making efforts to change and I'm just wishing for something that would never have happened.

Hang in there LInda, it does get better with time, and you'll know you made the right decision.