I'm sooo curious…

X’s still seeing OW, from time to time, (lives 3 hours apart)…
He’s never admitted he had been with her before I left him (and he was, she’d been his lover for about one year before I learnt/D-day… but he’s that type – if I saw him 'in flagranti', he’d say – do you believe more to me or to your eyes? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), nor being with her at least since D-day (I know he doesn’t want to accept responsibility that HE was one who betrayed our family), nor – he doesn’t admit it even now!
I know they speak on the phone and meet from time to time (he’s never learnt about 'my source of information'! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) but if asked, he says he’s with nobody, he hasn’t heard from her for ages’, he has no woman nor he needs any, etc.
Very rarely he says "I was not with anyone before you left me" (meaning HE didn't cheat on me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), than if I ask him 'how was your weekend, was she with you', his answer is 'of course not' and blah blah... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and I KNOW he did...

I wonder so much – why?
Why wouldn’t he tell me – yes, I’m a free man now and allowed to be with anyone I want (as I told him – why wouldn’t he be honest, cause we should be friends, good friends, for both ours and our son’s sake…)?

Please, any thought, experience, guess?

I don't know the answer either. I am pondering my own questions tonight as well and "why" is of course one of them. I guess we will finally get to a point when we won't ask those questions, or maybe the answers won't matter. I hope it's soon.

Why would he stop lying is my question?

It makes him feel comfortable living in his made up world b/c he doesn't have to assume any liability or guilt because of your divorce. Don't even ask him anymore or give him the satisfaction of asking him about OW and did he see her, or whatever. A liar is a liar period.

I am up late as I got sick late last night and have either a severe upper respiratory infection or a severe sinus infection that whammo kicked in about eleven thirty and had to call and get my MD bro in law outta bed (they're one hour earlier and they always stay up late) and he phoned in some zithromax for me to knock this out...won't be working tomorrow I can tell you as I haven't had one ounce of sleep so I thought I'd hit the MB forum and read...

My x has rewritten the entire situation between us basically. He really believes the lies he has said and if you ask him why we divorced, you'd get this response..."we grew apart and I realized she isn't the woman I met ten years ago." He'd never mention to you his flagrant cheating and lying and how even his present wife calls him a liar and how he had a restraining order against him that the county took out in August of last year because he broke into my home or that he was violent to me at the end...he even told me earlier last year that he was never violent to me (I guess the photo of my busted lip and the police report I filed was made up too as well as the bruises from when he knocked me down a flight of stairs).

It's a matter of being able to deal with reality really. IF you did some things that were really horrible, how would you feel? I was a psyc minor in college and the guy I date now on and off had specialty in neuroscience before cardio and he dealt alot with literally "head cases". He told me that if you ask inmate by inmate in the prison population if they are guilty or innocent of their crimes that the majority will say they were set up or that they have the wrong person. He quoted that stat to me and I forget where it came from. Basically, the mind creates ways to keep itself functioning at maximum and it is a way of self preservation...if lying creates a world where one doesn'thave to deal with the fallout of a severe action, then the situation in their mind didn't really happen. That they dissociate from what they did and to them it really feels like they didn't commit the crime or tell the lie or do the horrible thing they did.

I mean, it's gotta be hard to wake up every day and see when you look in the mirror somebody that went to all lengths to rip apart a family and marriage and justify to the entire rest of the world why they are livin in sin or in an affair marriage with somebody else. And on the converse of that, let's assume you did take personal responsibility for being an adulterer and homewrecker. You'd feel awful guilt. You might become depressed or you might have trouble sleeping or you might not have as much fun in that new relationship with the other person. It would be too much of a buzzkill on the affair basically.

I'm with Peachy here-

He continues to lie to keep from facing up to his responsibility in the situation. The mind and the power of denial are powerful tools. By staying in denial he keeps himself free of guilt and therefore responsibility. Of course as rational people we know that the lies and denial will eat away at the very soul of these people, but that is something they will have to come to terms with themselves.

My XH is marrying the OW this coming weekend. It is almost four years since their affair began. I spent the first year of it trying to break through his lies and break down the affair. I then figured out that I couldn't live that way and filed for divorce. I spent the next six months hearing justifications for the affair, etc. In the time since the divorce we have never talked about it. I am at peace with it now. I know he lied and cheated and continues to do so. I know that I never did and tried everything to save our marriage. I have a clear conscience and am enjoying life. They on the other hand are still lying to this day, getting married, and in general looking miserable. I wouldn't change places with either of them for anything!

So my advice to you is to let it go. I once wondered the same things that you are wondering, but the truth is it doesn't matter anyway. What would the truth really do for you and how will you ever even know if it is really the truth. Accept that you will never get it and move on for both you and your son's sake.

Take care and God bless!
K

Thank you all so much!

I know it’s stupid to insist on truth even now… My dad says: X got used to lie to you and don’t expect him to stop… And I am mad at myself I still do…
Maybe it’s my 'closure'… he’s never admitted A, he’s all this time kept saying he loves me and wants our family back together (and doing the same things I left him for…) and, somehow, I think if he says – yes, I’m with that woman – I’d set myself free…
No, I have no hope nor I want him back… yet I’d love to hear from him he moved on (even though I KNOW he is…) Makes any sense?

Trying to find answers, I’ve got three reasons:
- a liar is a liar + will never take responsibility for his part in splitting our family
- he doesn’t want me but not letting me go either
- there is no future with OW, otherwise he wouldn’t hide their R but be happy moving on (he’s on antidepressants… and doesn’t look happy at all – if his face when meeting me is not fake too… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Yes, I know I have to let it go, without truth… It’s obvious I won’t get it from him, as I haven’t for so many years…


ThirdDayFun, I hope too it’ll be very soon or the answers won’t matter… God help us to stand these painful questioning till that day…


just peachy, hope you’ll get well soon!
Yes, he doesn’t want accept any liability, guilt, responsibility… It’s stupid of me thinking – well, now he’s free man and it’s logical he’ll move on and be with someone… That would help me moving on too… And, why wouldn’t he tell me, and we can at least be friends if we couldn’t exist as family… Why he still underestimate and disrespect me so much… (how stupid, I know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

JP, I would admit… I always admit my mistakes; to myself and to people I hurt this or the other way …


still reeling, I am aware I’ll never know truth regarding ‘details’… but in this case, it irritates me he has no honesty to say just five words – Yes, I am with her…
I did not try everything to save our M… because I stopped believing in ‘us together’ and had no hope at all before I tried that everything… Many times recalled Dr. Phil’s words – leave when you can close the door behind you and say to yourself I’m done I feel no sorry (or something like that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )… and I did… Every time I see him I confirm my decision was right… no way I could stand living lies any second anymore, with anyone...

What’s left to do is – stop questioning, understand and forgive even these lies… will have to... will!

It's always good to 'check' feeling with you, MBs, to hear your experiences/opinions... makes me feel more normal... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Thanks a lot!

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 06:17 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>