Ho Hum.....
Where do I begin? Sent Plan B letter some time ago. No infidelities. Verbal, emotional abuse. Both of us guilty of putting our own biological kids first and hurting each other because of it. Way too much independent behavior on both our parts.
Plan B letter asked DH not to contact me till he was ready to commit to a plan to work on the marriage. He called.... said he misses me very much, loves me very much, and wanted to talk.
The first sign that things were not going to go as I hoped, was when he blew off the first opportunity to see me. He had opportunities for 4 days prior to the day we were planning to meet. He had "things to do".... a haircut, laundry, shopping, etc. I've had NO contact with this man for weeks!! His priority list makes me feel real important! NOT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Ok -- I'm already feeling put off. We were supposed to get together Saturday. I called his office (he was at work) and left him a voicemail saying that I'd like to meet him at 5:00 at church (we do church on Saturdays), then we could go out and do something afterwards. Well, my phone rings a half hour later and he says he doesn't feel like going to church Saturday. He is tired and wants to go home and take a nap. He asked me to call him after I get outta church and then "maybe" we could do something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
This is when I first began to lose it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm so totally hurt that he isn't wanting to be with me as badly as I want to be with him. But he wont SAY it. Instead he insists he wants to see me too, very badly. Yet, he continues to put me off..... further and further I seem to be slipping down the priority list. Now a NAP won time over me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm angry at myself, as at this point, I started crying. I hate it when I let myself get to that point. And this is when my dear loving verbal abusing husband shines in full force. He just gets meaner and meaner. He just kept saying "What's the big deal if I skip church"? I tried over and over to tell him that it had NOTHING to do with church. It was all about his constant putting me off, making me feel so TOTALLY unimportant. He said that's not true. Round and round we went. He finally told me to call him after church if I wanted to do something. We hung up. I went to church and did not call him afterwards. Maybe I was wrong..... but I was SO hurt by then...... that I just couldn't do it.
Ok -- on to Sunday, he goes to church in the morning. Now I live right across from the church. His apartment is 15 minutes away. He calls me on his way to church to tell me he'll call me afterward. Ok -- once again....... my resistance is down because I do miss him so darn much. I get myself together and wait to hear from him. He calls....... as he's pulling into his apartment's parking lot!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> What the heck is up with that??? I'm right across the street....... and he goes all the way home. His excuse.... he needs to change clothes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I said "why didn't you just throw some stuff in the back of your car?" He says he didn't think of it. Ok -- MORE stalling.
I'll leave out the details..... but we ended up spending a few very tension filled hours together. When I first saw him.... no contact was made. No hug, nothing. We walked around the mall for awhile. At one point I grabbed his hand. He held mine. But boy, the first chance he found, he dropped it! Then he asks me what I want to do. I mention a movie. He says he can't. He needs to get home TO DO LAUNDRY!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
Again........ I feel like I just got slapped in the face.
We went back to my house and sat in front of the TV for an hour. I felt like he was just itching to get out. When I mentioned it, he told me I was wrong. It was just not the time to get into any relationship talk. But I did ask him if he would come with me to my IC. At first he said NO. Then he said he'd think about it. I don't even know what happened next, but something ticked him off and he literally walked out of my house without so much as a goodbye.
I'm in tears again. My phone rings a half hour later. It's him. He calls to say "yes" he will go to my IC counselor with me. Maybe HE can get me to change!!!!!
My heart is just aching again. I'm so tired of hurting and feeling rejected. I tell myself over and over again....... he does not love you... move on.... he does not love you.... move on. I "think" I finally got myself to believe it.
Then at 9:00 pm my phone rings again.... but I was in the shower. I see a message. It's from him. He called to apologize for walking out like he did. He was a jerk. He's sorry. He does love me and miss me very much. He'll call me tomorrow.
And once again...... the tiny piece of hope is thrown back in my face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I feel like he is an addition that I can't break. I know he's not good for me. I KNOW it. But I can't seem to walk away. WHY???
Thanks for listening.......
SISOSIGN
