A little background:
the boy - ADHD

Oh yeah, the XH is going to make me go to court. I tried to talk to him tonight, for the first time since the appointment. He already started with his "My attorney said..." intimidation crap. I have to petition the court and prove that changing schools is in the kids' best interest. He told me that I was supposed to consult him before taking our son to a psychologist. Also spewed some other stuff that I don't think he can back up, about the school and stuff going on there. I asked for names and proof and he stammered on it.

I almost never use this word but I HATE the idea of going to court, again!! Why must every single detail of my dealings with him be so excruciating?!

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: xpButtercup ]</small>

Arrrgh. I am sorry you have to go thru this. We know you're a good mom and my neice btw has Adhd. She was diagnosed firmly after my bro in law and sis (he's an MD) took her to a psychiatrist (also MD) and they did bloodwork to confirm too. It took awhile getting her med adjusted just right but now she's a straight A student and is the sharpest kid in the class. and darn cute too but that's from a prejudiced aunt.

It's so sad b/c divorced parents rarely make good team players in anything...why? Because when you've been at war so long it's hard to let your guard down. Gosh I wish I could win the cold war that exists between my x and I. Mine threatened mediation last week too if I didn't give in to his demand for my son to stay with his wife during the day while I am working (my custody time) and let her play the good stay at home mom. Last 2 years my son went to a great day camp and now he's remarried, he's using the new W as a tool to try to change everything.

That might be the case as well. But never fear. You are smart and you've documented everything well and should have no trouble showing that you have the best interest of the child at heart and that you are doing all you can do for him to grow into the best child. That's what a good parent does.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this too. I have been following your story and really feel for you. What is with these men who in the day to day scheme of things are more than happy to let us run the show and shoulder the responsibility of parenthood yet threaten court over everything. Why the power struggle?

You have done everything in your son's best interest. You have communicated this to your XH along with the reasons for changing schools which are supported by trained professionals. I truly believe that you will prevail on this one, but is sad none-the-less that your XH has to make this a power struggle. Why not spend the time, energy, and money on something that will benefit your children?

I will keep you in my prayers and pray that your XH will back off on this and keep the best interests of your son in mind.

Hang in there!
Take care and God bless!
K

ok....here goes the QUEEN of COURT (42 times)...

Have you tried responding by saying> "What a GREAT idea! I think the judge will be happy to hear that a psychologist was involved, after all I'm sure the judge would want us to do what is BEST for OUR son. I'm so glad that you proceeded forward with court!"

Funny how my court appearances stopped suddenly when I told him what a great idea it was and how I was looking forward to it!

elan, thanks for reminding us of why we post - because we get such great ideas.

Elan, I wish that would work with my XH. However he is so completely convinced in his own mind (and with mommy's support) that he is right, he will fight this to the very end. I never told him I *don't* want to go to court; he currently feels that there is nothing I can do because he knows that I can't change their school without his consent. He is sitting on his *throne of power* (sfx: diabolical laughter) and gloating because he has CONTROL of this one.

Maybe if I lived with my parents for the last 3+ years and worked nights so wouldn't have to miss work to go to court, I could look forward to this too!! I could puff out my chest while uttering statements that start with "My attorney said..." and argue every single point he made with BS logic. Ugh...

Oh guess what... in *his* world, Harry Potter and Animorphs are unsuitable for kids to read/watch.

No wonder DS was so bored in 3rd grade. Got all A's, but teacher could never keep his attention...

I got his test scores... he is working at grade level 6 math and grade level 8 reading.

What would you do?

I am considering looking into whether or not he can 'test out' of 4th grade and enter 5th in the fall... but his social skills are so far behind... concerned!

I can see your concern and appreciate your frustration. Along with being a mother I am also a teacher and this is just my two cents.

Your son is highly intelligent, yet he is ADHD and lagging socially. I think your best solution is to find a school where his needs can be met without having him skip grades. He needs an individualized plan that can meet both his academic and social needs. I agree that his being bored is definately adding to the problems that the ADHD is causing, but I think the negative social ramifications of skipping a grade will far outweigh the academic positives.

If your son is socially behind now with his peers that will only be escalated if he is placed with older classmates and I think the implications of this on your son's future academic success will be nothing, but negative because so much of school is social.

Stick to your guns and get your son in a school that meets your son's needs. Don't let your XH's threat of court make you back down.

Take care and God bless!
K

I would definitely check into what options you have to accelerate his classwork and keep him interested WITHOUT moving him ahead of his age group.

This is coming from someone who did exactly that. After the first semester of Kindergarten, the school moved me into first grade, because I was so far ahead of the other children in my class. Academically, I probably could have been moved ahead further than that. Socially, I was at about the same level as my Kindergarten classmates. When I went to the first grade class, that one year age difference was incredibly HUGE! I had problems that were at least partly the result of those social differences right through into high school.

My mother always said that if she had it to do over, she would not have let them put me ahead. The problem was, at the time they really had nothing extra for kids who were ahead academically, and that was the only option they had for me.

Kids are very hard on each other for even the slightest differences, real or imagined. He will be unable to act his age and still be accepted by the other kids, and if he is already lagging a little socially, it would be incredibly hard on him.

Another fun and exciting hour of my life gone by in a courthouse!

I picked up the forms I need to fill out in order to get a hearing for my motion to change schools.

Like last time, it will be ME up against him & his attorney & his parents & his BS!

And I'll be fine... I just so despise this process. Why should I have to fight to move the kids out of a failing school?!?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justpeachy:
<strong> We know you're a good mom and my neice btw has Adhd. She was diagnosed firmly after my bro in law and sis (he's an MD) took her to a psychiatrist (also MD) and they did bloodwork to confirm too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd love to know what tests they did. Last thing I heard, there are NO conclusive medical tests for ADHD. There are only observation checklists. That is part of why so many people still don't believe it is real. I heard Ned Hallowell a few months ago and even he is saying this is one of the barriers to getting help for some people.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong>I am considering looking into whether or not he can 'test out' of 4th grade and enter 5th in the fall... but his social skills are so far behind... concerned!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think this is a good idea. See if they can enhance the academics but, if his social skills are lagging, this is not a good plan at all. That is why my son will be 11-1/2 when he enters 5th grade. He has the social skills of about a 3rd grader. Just how would that go over with a bunch of 6th graders.

Additionally, in my city, most 4th graders are considered elementary school students and 5th graders are considered middle schoolers. Depriving him of 4th grade would deprive him of some of the 'leadership' opportunities sometimes afforded to 4th graders. He would go from being at the middle of the social stratta to being at the bottom without the chance to shine as a member of the most advanced level of the school.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by still reeling:
<strong>Your son is highly intelligent, yet he is ADHD and lagging socially. I think your best solution is to find a school where his needs can be met without having him skip grades. He needs an individualized plan that can meet both his academic and social needs. I agree that his being bored is definately adding to the problems that the ADHD is causing, but I think the negative social ramifications of skipping a grade will far outweigh the academic positives. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong> And I'll be fine... I just so despise this process. Why should I have to fight to move the kids out of a failing school?!? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you prove it is a failing school? If you think you can dig up that information, get a shovel and start digging. Go to court with statistics and evaluations and anything else you can get your hands on. Letter from child's physician/psychiatrist/therapist to show why child would be better off in another school. Show advantages of the school you want. Don't worry so much about straightening out the stupid. Just try to show the judge why your son would be better off. And is there any way you could get legal representation from any women's group, a pro bono program, similar source, or a children's advocacy group?

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Do you have an individualized educational plan(called an IEP in Ontario) now for your son, to address his specific needs? Once this is completed, it will be another aid to getting your son the best possible environment for his learning. The school he attends should be able to work with this plan and not simply give lip service to the recommendations.

There are many very good resources for ADHD on the web and elsewhere.

I am a teacher who sees so much of this in the classroom as well as a mother of 2 children who were diagnosed with ADHD in their mid to late teens (and there are NO definitive physical tests) . Father still in denial, as is one child.

Whether your son switches schools or not, whether he skips a grade or not, if he is dealing with social issues, then perhaps you might want to think about special "socialization" classes for him. I know some parents and their children have found this to be helpful. I do know boys are a little kinder to each other socially than girls of this age who can be brutally mean, especially when a peer is not able to read social clues as many AD(H)D kids cannot-hence the social issues. These can lead to self esteem issues and social isolation at a time when peers become very important. Does he play sport or engage in any other outside school activities where he relates differently to a social group where he is more accepted?

I am so sorry that in dealing with this, you are not able to work as a team. MyX makes a battle out of anything and everything as well to do with our children now that we are divorced. After the lawyers have made their money, X the settles just short of the court house steps!

You know what is best for your child and continue involving professionals to get the best advice and help you can for your son. At that point it is not "he thinks/she thinks", but professionals who are adding their weight to making the best decision in your son's best interests.
(For me, that was the better way of getting my children the best environments for their needs, although X still fights each and every decision when he has to cough up a dime, regardless of any support agreement!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I picked up the forms I need to fill out in order to get a hearing for my motion to change schools.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ummmm...this may be a little out there...but have you thought of just changing the schools in the fall and have the ex take you to court then?

After all, your son will be IN school and making new friends and of course learning in a better environment for him. Do you think a judge would overlook that solely based on his father's need for control?

Just a thought...

Elan- I considered that but if XH got an emergency injunction (and he would) that would keep them in the old school until the matter is settled. I want them to start the year in the new school and not transfer a few weeks or months into the year.

Thanks everyone for the comments and ideas. I just learned about IEP's and plan to get one for him as soon as school starts. Unfortunately I can't do anything until fall. I definitely will not have him skip 4th grade but will have the teachers do everything they can to keep him challenged and working at his skill level.

I have pages of information from 2001-2004 with facts about how the public charter school is scoring below the state average on the MEAP testing and the public school district is scoring above the state average. The rest of the battle is my opinion vs. XH's and we'll see what the judge has to say.

Any help with ideas for the hearing? The last thing I want to do is walk in alone unprepared if I have to sit across from my ex, his attorney, and his parents all with their BS.

One thing he will have a heck of a time proving is that the PCSA is a better school... I hope! What if they discount the value of the test scores?? There goes the fact basis of my whole arguement...

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: xpButtercup ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong> Any help with ideas for the hearing? The last thing I want to do is walk in alone unprepared if I have to sit across from my ex, his attorney, and his parents all with their BS.

One thing he will have a heck of a time proving is that the PCSA is a better school... I hope! What if they discount the value of the test scores?? There goes the fact basis of my whole arguement... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not an attorney, but I've spent a few hours in the courtroom. You'll have a hard time proving that one school is better or worse than the other based on test scores or statistics. These are always open to intrepretation and unfortunately the jury is still out on most charter/academy schools.

If I were in your shoes, I would argue your original point, that it is a financial burden to keep him in this school where he is not doing well. Explain to the Judge that unless your XH coughs up $X.XX/month for remedial tutoring and expenses you can't afford it.

I'm assuming the public school has additional programs and resources to work with children that are ADHD. Find out what they are and enter this into your testimony. Also, by changing schools would it improve his social life? Would he be going to the new school with friends, neighborhood kids, etc?

Good Luck!

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Faith1960 ]</small>

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dp

OMG! I got a reply about flood protection enabled and this response posted umpteen times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What's up with that?