My wife and I are falling apart and I need help to fix this. The whole story goes like this...

My wife and I met in a bar in Detroit some 8 years ago, and almost instantly fell in love. She is a Canadian citizen, and I am American. Things were great then, we spent as much time as possible together, and we both seemed very happy. I was working for the city and generally getting along well. Then news of my acceptance to a medical school in Arizona came. I was, of course, very excited. About a month later, I was packed for the start of my new life, but I had to say goodbye. I assured her that I loved her and wouldn't forget... I didn't. Two years later, on a break, we went for a trip to the east coast, and I asked her to be my wife. She accepted, and about 7 months later we were wed, finally allowing her to accompany me back to Arizona. In Arizona we began to have the usual early wedding conflicts and problems. Actually, we had more than the usual problems, as I was simply not ready for the comittment I had gotten into. There was no infidelity, but we could't get along and we were definitely not meeting each other's emotional needs. We sought counselling, and it was a disaster. He suggested we divorce ("she is not your princess"). We did not. In my fourth year of medical school, I moved back to the midwest for training purposes, and she came with me. She was miserable. She didn't want to leave the sun, and I didn't consult with her regarding that momentous descision. Shortly after returning to the Detroit area, we seperated. I move out of our apartment and she began seeing another man. I was no angel during that period, but I was emotionally destroyed. Crying every night and unable to cope with much, I dived into my work with zeal (it kept me sane). I filed for divorce and had her served. During the months leading to the divorce, I called her regularly, trying to abort what I knew was a mistake. 10 days before the court date, she called and we had dinner. I awoke the next morning in her arms, feeling truly saved. We fell back in love quickly. Everything seemed to be going well... but we fell into the same trap of not meeting the emotional needs. I knew she was growing away (I was growing up), and no matter what I tried she just seemed more unhappy. There were times of closeness, but they became fewer and farther apart. We bought a house together, and things were again good for a time. For the last 4 months or so she has become progressively more distant. I have to admit that our sex life had become cold, and mostly because I had become bored with her. Then we took a trip to Atlanta, and after a friend's wedding, in a drunken stupor, she tried to make love to me. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I hurt her somehow. Since that day we have had more and more difficulty with intimacy. All intimacy. She no longer holds my hand, ever. Now... about 4 weeks ago, I had enough (I suspected she was cheating) and I confronted her after a long shift in the ER. She reluctantly told me that she was no longer in love with me (I love you, but I am not IN love with you). She told me that there was no sexual interest left, and that she did not yet want to divorce, she was definetly not happy the way things were. She explained she was not angry, nor upset... just cold. We took a trip to Jamaica, and I held high hopes things would get better. While there, she remained distant, and at my foolish insistence she agreed to make love to me. Cold, distant and empty. No other way to describe the experience. This is the first time I had ever regretted sex. We had a decent time there, just not with each other. On returning home, I decided something needed to be done, and I suggested counselling. She refused, stating that they didn't help last time, and that she did not believe anything could help her to restore her lost feelings for me. I became desperate and began surfing the net for 'stop your divorce' information. The information I have read has been conflicting and confusing. Then I came across this place. I am hopeful for the first time in months, and I pray these concepts can help us. I printed some information and left it in her truck (with a note explaining my hopes of renewing our romantic love). My current state of emotions is become destructive. I stumble through my days with no sunshine, no smiles, and utterly depressed.

Whew... vented... feels good. Ok... now are there any suggestions for how to encourage her to read the his needs/her needs and other books around here? Is this enough, or should I insist on counselling? I love my wife VERY dearly and I do not want to lose her.

DrBC

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. Unfortunatley in my opinion, if someone wants to end a marriage you can't change their mind. You can try to be assertive and suggest a counselor, however, I have found when someone isn't willing to go to counseling than they probably won't get much out of it if pushed.
My story sounds alot like yours. Freakishly familiar. Maybe I, as a female, can shed some light to what she may possibly be feeling. I dated a physican for approx 9 years (also in the detroit area) and saw him through medical school, residency and fellowship. We were engaged at one time and just months before our wedding, I ended it. (We also met in a bar in the detroit area)
When I first met him, we couldn't get enough of each other. His long hours and dedication kept us apart from each other alot. He did a fellowship in Ohio and I stayed here in Detroit. He was only gone for a year (year #5) but we spent every weekend together.
During this period, we were so poor. We barely ever went out to dinner. We both were just scraping by at that time. (we were both in school). We appreciated everything that we did get to do together. Everything was budgeted. Long walks in the park, snuggling on the couch, romantic ski weekends, watching a block-buster movie or small vacations Up North were our fun times. I really loved those times together.

After his fellowship and studying for his boards, he became a COMPLETELY different person. BOOM! He thought he was some kind of king! He acted like I should be "honored" to be with him. I do understand it was a great accomplishment, but it was really unreal. Nurses, respitory therapists...you name it.....they were calling!

We got over that hump and started to move on. We became engaged and I was so excited.
It didn't take me long to realize that the man I met no longer existed. He was very into material things and showing off for his friends. He bought into this "high society" class-like attitude where the things we use to enjoy were, in his opinion, "not good enough". It was embarrassing! He was no longer hanging out with his old friends. He bought expensive cars and tossed money around like crazy. I couldn't believe it. I'm all for celebrating and having nice things...but this was unreal. He almost seemed to forget where and who he was. I watched this man go from a gentle, sincere and caring person into some egotistical a**hole before my eyes. I know you've heard of the "God complex". Yep, he got a bad case of it. So, I ended our engagement.

Suddenly, he wanted to be the man I wanted him to be. The man I met! He told me he would do anything that I wanted. I tried to fall in love with him again but I couldn't. The man I fell in love with was gone, regardless of how hard he tried to save the relationship. It was to late. I had seen a side of him that I could never accept. I had seen him turn into a selfish and uncaring individual and lost all respect for him. I knew I couldn't be with his man the rest of my life.

There really wasn't anything he could do at the time to change my mind. We have been apart for two years now. He continues to call me periodically to see how I am doing.

It seems like you really want to save your marriage. My first suggestion would be to look back on your relationship and pick out what use to make both of you happy together. The little things probably. How have you changed over the years and how has she? What made her fall in love with you? Sometimes, I believe, the answer is so small that we tend to overlook it.

I don't know if I helped you at all but I couldn't help answering because the story sounded like home to me. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out!

Hi DrBC,

I read your story and although I am headed to bed for the night I did want to mention a few quick things to you and maybe I can post a longer response tomorrow.

First,any counselor that recommends a divorce while you are in counseling sounds like a quack.Since it went so abominably last time, seek out a pro-marriage counselor,one who has specific goals in mind and problem solves.Tell your W this so she will at least give the counseling a second try,call it a second opinion,if you will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Next,after being on these boards for 9 months now,one thing,among many other's,applies to you and your W: take your time with each other if you want to save your marriage.Too many newbies think: "Well,I gave it 6 weeks and nothing has changed so it's over". Trying to uncover and treat problems in a marriage takes a lot of time and effort.It's no wonder that we still have an abysmal divorce rate at 50%.People keep hopping from one relationship to the next,thinking that switching partners is going to solve all their problems and that their current husband or wife wasn't the right one for them and they deserve "better" or whatever story they want to beleive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The book you mentioned(HNHN) is a good one and it's pretty specific.See if you can get your W to post here too,not on the D forum though.Maybe you should be on the EN board.If you had in love feelings for each other before,and many times after according to your post,it can be there again,if you are both committed to working on the marriage,there are NO other people involved and you seek professional help.We have many success stories of this happening even after Infidelity! I usually post over on the GQII board.

Well,that's it for now.Hopefully I can return again with some more info and maybe some other veterans can contribute too.

Take care.

O

Hey, thanks for the quick replies! First off, cold... It is freakish how similar our stories are. I must say, though that your ex seems very different than me. It is not easy to say this, and I am uncomfortable defending it, but I still hang out with my old friends, and I have somehow managed to avoid the superiority complexes that many docs seem to grow. (at least I hope I have). I do thank you for your input.

October, Time is everything. I have stayed around through a horrible period in the past, and I am not about to give up on my love. I will stay and pour love into her LB until she remembers why and how to love me, or hands me dreaded Divorce papers. It is more difficult this time, though. At least it feels like it.

I will try to get her to post, but it will take time. She is only now beginning to explore the basic concepts section. We shall see...

Thanks both of you.

DrBC