Hello to all. I need some help. I have been married for 13 years with 4 children. When we married, he was infatuated and I was pregnant. We never were "in love" with each other. I would tell my husband that "love is a choice and I choose to love you". I am finding out that is not enough. I had very little respect for my husband when we first married and that has not changed much. He is a hard working man and a good father. Work is his comfort zone because he is good at what he does, and the good father part has been a difficult growth process. I am ambitious, strong-willed, and driven and admire those qualities. He is not, and I find little to admire him for. I fear that he is incapable of fulfilling my desires for a husband and I am not capable of being the wife he wants. This place of despair in our relationship has cycled over and over again through the years unresolved. I try to focus on the positives and not the negatives. But then he thinks that everything is fine, when it is not. I am disappointed in him as a man and feel that I am too much for him. My leaving would devastate our family, so am trying to save it. My husband knows exactly how I feel and I feel that ultimately it will be his efforts to fight for me, because I have never been his #1, next to God of course. I have always been down the priority list at about 4 or 5. I want to have his heart, be the love of his life, but that has never been the case. He is a disappointment to me. Why does he stay with me? Why do I stay with him? THE CHILDREN! But, it wont be enough once they are grown and gone. I dont feel I can lower my standards of what I expect in a man and except him for who he is. What do I do? My friends do not take me seriously when I try and talk to them about my problems, so here I am.

Head over to the Concepts section of the MB site. You will learn alot. Before you decide to divorce, do all you can to make the marriage you dreamed of having. It is possible, and more so with a willing partner.
Good Luck.

I am sorry for your deep dissatisfaction. My experinces of living with someone who choose not to grow up has been an very repressive, unfilling, disappointing needless, experince.

If I may offer my perseptive, now that I am divorced and my children's ages are 23 and 20. I can look back am pleased to have stayed for their sakes given how anti-family society is and little options I had to keep them away from a bad influence from my XH.

As a woman who done it all to keep my kids from harm, best that I could. I was faced with a confused legal system that hands them right to an offending bad influence anyways.

The awful complications and deep heartaches the kids go through shakes them to the core for life. Soul worthy question we must ask ourselves do we want to hurt/harm our kids that badly, when they didn't ask to be here or choose their parents? They almost always get the bad deal, and bad deals of thier sometimes immature parents.

I read the boards of parents with smaller children and I weep for their deep unexpressable children pain.

These poor little broken hearts to be in the crossfire with other partners. Children are the most tuned and greatest supporters of Great romance, love, fun, family, teamwork, civility, etc.

We adults have forgotten the joys, bliss from loving and caring more. They are our best teachers.

I would say you have excellent motivation for staying in the marriage for the sake of the children,they are worth it, you are worth it, and your husband,too.

Sounds like he really needs to get himself right with God, get connected, know of God love for him, and have some mature men walk be side him to help him to understand what loving a woman is all about. So that he then love, love, love you! Only advice that's needed as getting those priorties right, everything falls into right place.

About the lack of ambition on his part I too am very sorry to hear that. Could be a blessing at the same time. Many well intentioned confused men spin their gears by being overinvolved in work and projects burn themselves and families out with their hyper achievement. Thinking that a bed is only for sleeping. Sad but misguided. Thinking that should be only machines not humans beings is also sad and misguided.

Better priority, perhaps he could spend his engeries making love and not war and making you his second highest top priority next to God and making you very, very happy instead.

Sounds like you need a whole lot of lovin, attention, romance, tenderness, cherishment,simple adventures and to be made to feel like a women. You both deserve it and so do your children!

That was always my motto, and my attitude in that department threatened my XH very much. Because of his poor, ignorant, fearful views he choose to be dysfunctional and lacks the ability to really love on so many dimensions. He thought I was weird and now look who's acting out on his 8 affair, destroying our lives. Shows how confused, small minded,selfish man, he really is and women he consorts with.

Can you see the pattern from the women in his life they keep all dumping him.

Love is a verb, action by doing--the fruits grow later called emotions, feelings, hormones do become akkivated. Perhaps, you might want to throw your engeries in loving you and him more see what happens.

Everything other than the basics of survival, is counterproductive if it divides you, partner and children. I wonder us NAmerican could only appreciate God great gift of committed sexuality, of pleasure not just procreation and actually spend more time in the bedroom, we definately have more better homes and gardens, or the luv shack, too.

Kids would think it's cool when they see mom and dad loving each other, and deeply connected to each other, and them. It teaches them in return to continue the connection, to be loving and responible in return...

I am sorry that things are flat in your marriage for now, but wonder if you can that heat wave going if life will improve. Sounds like you missed this step at the beginning to just do some deep bonding, havin loads of fun, frolic, before babies. Bonding is a wonderful thing. And God said" it was very, very good"!

I will pray for you, and hubby that our God love shines his love upon your household and end the defrosting.

Hugs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />