How do others who are dating after divorce deal with sex and a new partner? I have been with my ex 13 years and the thought of being sexually involved with someone else really does scare me. Not only on an emotional level but what about diseases etc. I think that the emotional will come when I am ready for a new relationship but the thought of diseases creeps me out. I had never gave it too much thought before but now that I am older and clued in little more I am really concerned about that. How do other people or I should responsible people deal with that? Do you ask them to get tested or what? I had my physical and asked for HIV and hep tests because of the lifestyle my ex was leading the last years of our marriage so I know I am clean but what about other people????

I'm not "dating" yet but have the sinking feeling that I'm being enticed into a relationship, slowly. Which is exactly how the sexual aspect of any new relationship with me develop.

Mentally I've said that I'm not going to become sexually involved with anyone until I'm married. But I don't know if that's practical, I would say that I won't become sexualy active with anyone outside of a committed relationship that I feel is heading towards marriage. But then again, maybe that's why it's been darn near three years for me.

I have given this a little thought. Once I'm in that relationship where sex is going to happen, theoretically if I'm not comfortable with their ability to be open/honest with me about diseases or if I'm not comfortable with their sexual past then I think that would throw up a BIG RED FLAG. I believe I would question if I should be in the relationship. Does that make any sense?

Plus once I'm in that relationship, if I'm not comfortable enough to ask her to get tested then again I'd see red flags.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

I sure don’t have any good answers for you, but I’m in the same boat… it freaks me out on both levels. I have been taken out by several of my friends over the past 10 months and every time I find myself in some loud, dark club packed with young people all looking to score (in one manner or another) and the whole prospect just turns my stomach. This dating thing is just something I’m WAY not looking forward to.

Well I am glad to see I am not the only one who thinks that way about not wanting to have sex right away in a new relationship. Although I had sex prior to my husband, after being married I view it (sex) differently. It's not something that I take lightly. And hearing it come from someone else, especially a man make me feel better. I don't have to feel like a freak for thinking that way.

I sound what LH says. No sex until a very solid relationship, preferably one altar bound ok?

We've been thru too much. I went to a religious private school and the best way to explain this quandry is as follows. The reason we should wait, in the Almighty's opinion, is for our own good. Why complicate issues and toss in the instability of hormones when you're just learning about somebody? It would make you make a poor judgement call...

I think it could induce fog...well sort of. Look at WS ok?

But I am not saying it's bad either and I am wierded out as I know it's been a while for me as well and am about sick of being in the convent ok?

Make sure first you are healthy. I remember going to my old obgyn who's also a friend of mine and I broke down sobbing in his back office when I asked him to screen me for every known STD that a woman can get. He "got it" and gave me a hug. He knew that I was going to be single again and he said that it's just the only thing to do. He also said that when things are headed towards the overnight deal with somebody special one day, to make them go give blood. Yea, make them give blood (one way) and find out if their donation was accepted. They screen donors very carefully btw...very covert way of checking for std's. But he says it's best to just down a glass of wine, get some courage, and ask them and if they are vague tell them to go get checked out and if they aren't willing dump them...

Fastest rate of HIV is among heteros these days ok? And yea, I already asked the guy I am seeing who is in healthcare and he was like "well do you want to see my Hep B titer as well? How about my entire last physical ok?"...He then said "if you need more, I can provide you three letters of reference ok? (laughing.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dsd67:
<strong> ...don't have to feel like a freak for thinking that way. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hell no!!! In fact when the time comes, I hope like hell to find a woman who is thinking the same way you are. When I look around at all the single, "available" women... it just seems they are exact polar opposites to my values. I had sex before my M as well... but like you said, M changes your view on things, like sex. Although, I tend to think becoming a parent did more to mature me in that respect than anything else.

Girls like you ought to do guys like us a favor... wear a sign or something when your out and about so we can have an easier time weeding out the incompatable ones and focus energies on someone with whom we are more likely to share values... Is that unreasonable to ask...??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WOW! As I was composing my reply to you and doing flash cards with my little one there were no responses yet....

This may be a long read, but here is my reply...

Sex post divorce is a scary thing!

As if getting back into the whole dating thing wasn't hard enough... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm going to assume you are female, neither of your posts say, so sorry if I'm wrong!

First of all, give yourself plenty of time to recover from the whole ordeal. Many people think a year is a good time frame to let your life take shape post divorce before getting back on the dating wagon. You'll be more likely to handle all the things that come with dating and sex when you are feeling 100% physically and emotionally.

That said, you'll need to figure out for yourself what you feel comfortable with, and what fits in with your lifestyle - religion, children, all sorts of things to consider.

The safest way to go is to not go at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But that isn't always what happens is it?!

The usual window for HIV testing is 3 months - that's not to say that the older standard of 6 months isn't safer because there are unusual cases that show up between 3-6 months, but the latest standard being used (not a doc don't play one on tv, just pulling all of this out of thin air and the advice is worth just as much as you are paying me) is 3 months for the virus to show up.

So, no bodily fluid contact for 3 months and then test. Or, no glove = no love.

IMHO, if you are to a point of gettin bizzy, then "the talk" should come without too much stress. You should trust and care (if not love) the other person enough, and they you, to be able to say, "I'm thrilled by the thought of our relationship progressing to the point where we will share something so special. Should we go get tested together, or would you rather go alone? We should have your blood pressure taken too - I'd hate to give you a heart attack when you finally get the ultimate experience with me."

Don't forget - pregnancy and STD's are 2 seperate issues! Condoms must be used the right way to get the desired effect! Click here to read how to correctly use a condom. For other methods, see your doc.

If he isn't the man you want to have a child with I'd be very careful about trusting someone who says he's had a vasectomy.

And remember, even correct condom use during intercourse doesn't ensure you won't get an STD. Herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. Oral sex is exchange of bodily fluids, and anal sex is risky because the tissue there tears easily - microscopic tears that will happily let little hiv infected fluid roam freely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Don't have unsafe sex because you don't have a condom! Lots of chicks buy condoms. It doesn't mean you're a sleeze, it means you care about yourself and your partner. If you buy condoms it doesn't always mean you are planning on having sex, it means that if you do happen to decide that you want to have sex you will not have to have unprotected sex.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Oh hey! The giving blood thing will NOT work! There is a sticker page you are given when you are given the paperwork. The page has bar coded stickers - one says "no reason not to use this" the other says "do not use" - they do that for privacy reasons. The sticker page explains this, and says that even the person doing the screening will not know which sticker was chosen. There is a garbage can on your side of the table/desk to put the unused portion of the page in.

Like if your work had a blood drive, a person might not want to tell all his co-workers that are cheering him on to donate that he/she is hiv positive and shouldn't donate.

This way privacy is protected, and no blood put in the system to be tested if someone already knows their blood should not be used.

With love,
your friendly neighborhood vamp - ire. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />