im new here and amazed at how positive all the suggestions are. the other board ive been on supports leaving my hubby, perhaps they are right, but im keen on hearing any views form this board.
i believe ive fallen out of love and reckon the only way forward is seperating while we are still respecting each other.
14 yrs together, married for the last 7. two kids 6+4. Im his 2nd wife, hes my first, was my first bf too.
ive been thru the main site and although columns cover my issues, i reckon its too late to go down the routes recommended. i dont want to spend recreational time with him. i dont want to have sex with him. im empty inside for him and now wonder if i ever really was in love or just swept off my feet by this older charming man and to weak to leave when i realised it wasnt reciprocal. ive always had issues with his control over me and have started to communicate this now that i have acheived the confidence i need in myself. ive realised i dont need him, when before i felt i desperately needed him... would the good doctor who brainchilded this site have any comments, or anyone for that matter have any comments...
im going on holiday with h and the kids for 2weeks... i am going to focus almost entirely on great recreational time with him and hopefully improve this feeling of impending doom.
when i get back, i have intended to go to relate (an english marriage counciling centre)as a last ditch attempt... i dont feel its fair to end it without this last effort.
i guess what im asking is "is it possible to rekindle love when you feel its gone?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi there, well seems there are two of us from the UK here!

Just read your story. Can you tell us why you married in the first place? What was it you found attractive about him?

Graeme

hi, thanks for your interest and sorry about the delay, ive been on holiday for the last two weeks. It went ok, but it didnt light the fires again as i was hoping to.
To be honest, I beleive i fell in love with "being" loved. I had never had a bf until him at 21yrs old... then this happened... he was my boss and he showed alot of sympathy and caring when i opened up to him about the guy i fancied, you know, he was a shoulder to cry on about this other guy not liking me back. One night, at a company party, he got frisky, and things went from there. Sex was good, he was an older man, he didnt mind i was a bit of a voluptuous girl, all this lead to being with him quite easy. i felt lucky. As time passed, we got closer but i noticed things i didnt like, i pushed them away as me being silly and i should count my lucky stars. he was very controling and jealous about me spending time with friends... eventually, i had lost touch with all my friends and was only with him. we got married after 7 yrs. The day after my wedding, i recall wondering if i had really given myself a chance, you know, not being with anyone else... had i been silly... i even recalled him reminding me at our "do" that this was our wedding and as such was a family event and i shouldnt spend time with my friends.
Anyway, I now try to list the things i love about him and i cant... and i cant recall things i loved about him... I feel a bit like hes my brother... i love him, but not the right way, its not passionate and consuming, i dont want sex, he doesnt turn me on, i look forward to my time away from him and dread returning from work.
i tried to have recreational time with him on my holiday and did (we went camping, it was great fun)but it wasnt what i had hoped for... and actually, come to think of our past... we never did do recreational stuff together besides working and going out for drinks with everyone from work.sigh. Thats not very recreational!
Ive come back from hoiday no wiser, just further convinced that if I had to go it alone, i could.
when i weigh my options, i have 1. stay and see what happens in time. (this makes me feel so sad) 2. go, and forge a new life (this excites me and gives me butterflies) but the chaos that would ensue like getting him to find a new place, arranging when he can see the kids, how we deal with the kids... it all makes me think its not worth upsetting the applecart... the kids and him... for my happiness. oh jeeese, i dunno what to do... i want to go to Relate and hes not keen... we have to i beleive... to sort anything out. thanks again for your interest graeme, perhaps you can shed some more light on it...
ps... only 2 from the UK!? well hello then!

what! no replies!!
ive checked in here twice a day and graeme, not even you have replied... come on!!! give me some feedback pls... anyone!

mtinside:

Questions:

Have you discussed your feelings with him? I've read your post twice through and didn't find any *real* attempts from you to fix this.

One thing you'll learn moving forward is that a marriage is a partnership and as such requires 2 active participants in order to work. If your keeping these feelings to yourself your not being fair to him, to your marriage, your kids, or even yourself. Work together within the marriage. Thats the key. Do it quickly before your love bank empties. Get your husband to this site and have him read the Needs section.

hi harryS and thanks for your response... this site is great for working thru things, but i seem to have given ppl the impression that i have not given my hubby the chance, nor explained to him my feelings, also that i am new to marriage and unfamiliar with the idea that its a partnership... it seems he is quickly becoming a victim. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
harry, i have explained all my tangible feelings to him, i have explained everything i felt i could, and in a way that was fair and aimed not to hurt him.
i have not explained the sex thing, because i dont want to hurt his feelings... and any remaining feeling left unexplained is because either i dont understand it or i feel i would hurt him saying it.
he is hard to communicate with as he becomes very defensive, and alot of my feelings, i find hard to explain as i dont understand them or cannot quantify them.
thanks for your advice on getting him to look in here, i may do... and i have also decided that we need to go to counselling...

harry... i beleive my love bank is already empty, thats why im here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MT,

You need to be honest with him. Does he know about your Emotional Affair?
It sounds like your still in the fog due to that.

Are you still in contact with the other man?
If so you can forget about any change of feelings for your husband.

Come clean with your husband. Give him an honest chance to realize how serious this is and that you both need help. Yes it will hurt, but in the long run it's the only way to repair what's not functioning with your marriage.

HarryS! (been reading elsewhere i see!)yes! he does know about the emotional affair... and yes, it has stopped... no contact.. for 3 months now. i have agreed to not go out with friends until he is feeling more secure about it as i recognise that i have put strain on our relationship. Harry, this EA came well after i began to explain my issues to my husband and found no improvement, it was unlooked for, was short lived, and is now over. I am interested you beleive i am still in a fog, i guess, due to the nature of this site and the fact that i am the wayward spouse here, i am unlikely to get much understanding or empathy from you guys...
this is also my frustration with him... i am not in a fog because of an emotional affair, i am confused because i have felt this way for so long yet never really felt as though it was important enough considering the consequences. meaning... i have two kids, i would uproot a family, all because i wasnt "happy"... i can downplay the importance of that and have done for years, i guess the EA made me realise that there was more out there. its now more difficult to downplay the importance of my happiness. im not looking for a collective "awwwwwwwwww" here, just trying to explain that i actually have been trying for 3 yrs now, and have communicated with my husband about my concerns.
my first question on this site was asking if its possible to fall out of love, someone asked if i wanted to fall back in love and perhaps that should have been my question to myself. i find that i dont want to fall back in love with him, not if its another 3-4 yrs of what ive been thru the last 3-4 years... i dont want to see myself in 5-10 yrs time still as unhappy as i am.
one thing thats becoming clear being on here is that no matter how much opinion i poll and how much help i ask for, it can only be my core feelings that count. i can affect it with as much "pma" (positive mental attitude) as i can muster from this site and i have found that using this as my forum rather then friends or the forum i was first on has been positive in that it has got me back a few steps and ready to reevaluate and try again, but i still find myself feeling like its dragging out the inevitable. i reckon really whats stopping me is that i dont feel i have an excusable reason for wanting out... hes not beating me, hes not mean to me and the kids, its genuinely me feeling that over time, love (if it was there) has waned.
i feel its all a wee bit hopeless sometime, especially when you infer i havent tried... beleive me guys, i have tried and cried for many years now... im new here harry, not new to marriage and certainly not new to trying to make this relationship work!
i thank you for your interest and comments as always! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i can affect it with as much "pma" (positive mental attitude) as i can muster from this site and i have found that using this as my forum rather then friends or the forum i was first on has been positive in that it has got me back a few steps and ready to reevaluate and try again, but i still find myself feeling like its dragging out the inevitable. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Mtinside.... sorry that you had to find us. I've read your posts and don't know quite what to say that would change anything much. Positive mental attitude is one of those things that takes a while to work. You indicate that you go back a few steps and try again only to feel like it's dragging out the inevitable ^^^ If you have that little "it's not gonna work no matter what" in the back of your mind...it's not gonna work no matter HOW much positive attitude you put in there.

You said that you wanted to go to counselling with your husband but he's not keen on going. Have you thought of going anyways? Have you thought of searching out a person who can help you sort through these feelings of yours?

I hear that there are kids that are involved. Please read through the posts that Toad has been posting with he and his wife. Marriage is tough. It's hard work. So many of us have that idea that it shouldn't be hard work and it just happens. Throughout your life with a man/woman, it takes work. There will be times when it's smooth sailing and there will be times when it's easy. When you are focusing on the bad, you will begin to see only the bad in your relationship and not the good. You will overlook the other things that he/she is doing in your marriage that really is good, but you choose not to see it. Believe me, I know how it feels to have absolutely no *zing* or *excitement* or that *passion* that I longed for.

I slowly became what I was before. I lost myself in my marriage. I *let* things happen. I too lost touch with my friends, but it was ME who lost touch. He wasn't much help as he was of a controlling nature -- but I *let* that happen. I could have stood my ground and developed good boundaries and made time for my friends and him. But I didn't. You CAN make those changes now and re-establish those relationships. Get out and join a group, or participate in a class that you've always wanted. Marriage doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip and not do anything on your own.

Being happy isn't another persons job. If your husband did everything you wanted him to do, would you be happy or would you be wondering if there was something better out there? Counselling surely won't hurt anything here. If anything it will help you reassess all of this and make some wise decisions on your future. Give it a chance.

elan, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> tell me more about your situation please.

i am getting increasingly frustrated in here as you all seem to get the impression that if i were to just grin and bear it for longer then i would be happy again.

btw, i am happy i have found this place, so your sarcastic comment apologising for me finding you all wasnt helpful... like i said, this is the most positive place i have found, and thats good, the mere fact that im in here is a good thing for my marriage, it would have gone down the drain by now.

you may recall this started with my wondering if i ever was in love with my husband at all... perhaps i need to go away and ask myself that, before rallying opinion in here... or change forums... i dunno

...this was a place for me to loose my frustration and confusion, and i seem to be getting lots of advice suggesting that i havent tried and that i havent got a pma <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

thanks again... ill quietly leave now so as not to upset the tone of this forum.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> still mt inside

MT,

<stepping back> Hummmm <stepping in>

<stepping back> and turn yourself around, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!

Ok, new approach. Sorry for the <pointing finger> and misassumptions. I think I stand corrected!

[excuse placed here] When spouses begin to question if they've ever been in love it set's off little lights and sirens here. It's (usually, not always) a telltale that history is being rewritten. Granted there are exceptions, but generally when a spouse does that they are trying to justify themselves and their actions. It's a late stage reaction.

MT, I'm not about to say, "Stay together for the kids sake!" though I might chime that you should extinguish every last shread of hope before giving up.

My advice here is to get your husband onboard with EXACTLY where your at emotionally. Let him know your about to loose hope. Get him to this site and reading the Needs book.

My other advice (yes, it's two part) is to make a commitment to rebuild your marriage into something that satisfies both of you, establishes a fertile ground where happiness can grow and work as a team to keep it on track.

This is assuming you still have one shread of hope left for your marriage. If your here looking for support to bail on it you'll not get that from me. I am a 'till you death do you part" kinda guy and fully believe that if both people are working on a relationship with all they have true happiness is possible.

harry, thanks... (lol @ your song)
im here to find my last shreds of hope and "til death us do part" stamina... otherwise i wouldnt be in and out of here so much.

your words give me faith that it should be repaired.
i guess so much of me wants to stop working at it, but i know that so much hurt can be caused in doing so and thats all thats stopping me from packing it all in.

i guess i feel like ive worked all i can at it and that so much of this stems from me and my cold dark heart... im at a stale-mate and need to be jumpstarted towards him again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

(gutteral sigh of frustration)
ill come back when im full of positive ideas

MT,

Stop trying to do this alone. The only way your going to get this on track is a joint effort by you and your partner.

mtinside, you sound so much like my Wife (WS). Although we have no kids, she is questioning our life and future happiness together. I am 7 years older than her, and she has over the years made me take on the role of her father. We are married 3 years, and I recently caught her at what I am sure was the start of an EA. She tells me that for some time she has not loved me, fely physical attraction to me, and wants to start going out more with her new friends that are not a very good influence on her. I begged her to go to counselling, even if it was on her own, which she now does. My reason for telling you all of this is that if she had asked me to go to counselling with her, I would have jumped at the chance. Unfortunately for me, she is choosing to go it alone so we will never stand a chance of resolving this. I would have given my life for this woman without a second thought. At her own admission she is now pushing me out of her life for giving her what she wanted for the last 9 years of our relationship (a suedo father). I helped build up her confidence, helped her get her life together, get her finances in order, get a great job, etc. "None of this is criticism of you so I hope that you don't take it that way". Maybe you should look at what your husband behaviour, is it what you have been telling him that you wanted all along. Is it possible that if you explain (with the help of counselling) what your needs are or that they have changed since you married that he may understand you? I hope this perspective from the other side of the fence helps.