Hello everyone.

I haven't posted in a long while. I've been lingering but that's about it.

A little update with my situation.

Divorce granted in November 2003. The kids and I have been doing great. We're getting a house built. Everything is going good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest.

I just found out that my ex husband and his g'friend (ow) have just closed on their "new" home. And as per my son, they're painting walls and i guess just fixing up a few things before they move in.

Well I've known about their purchase. I knew that they purchased a home. And when I first found out that they wanted to buy a house together, I was so hurt. Because what I had wanted with him, he's doing with her. "WE", his family, were supposed to be first in his life and we weren't. He's doing all the things he should have done with his family, with her.

Well today when I heard of their close..........i tried really hard to not let it bother me and it just does. I cried in my car for about 10 and just sat there thinking, how could this man have been so selfish. My chest hurt, it felt like my heart broke in a million peices AGAIN.

Everything was great....... I was doing great pulling away from him. We don't talk unless it's about the kids. I perfer it that way. It's easier for me to heal. I'm going out having fun. I'm not thinking of reconciliation anymore. i just couldn't go back after everything that's happened. I've realized that it'll never be again. But it still hurts.

It's going on 7 months since our divorce. And to add to that, he was talking about working things out in Feb. of this year, he even moved out of her parent's house back to his mom's but that only lasted one day. What is wrong with this person? It's been about 2 years that they've been in a relationship. And I keep thinking.........God, will their relationship last? Will they be the few that last? In a way, I just want them to break up, so that I feel better. I want them to be a statistic. I want them to be one of the ones who don't make it. But i just feel like he's gonna make it last with her. I don't know why..........but I would feel better if things ended between them. I don't even want him back, i just don't want him with her. Does that make sense? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well you all have always been a great support and just needed to be heard. You all are the only ones who TRUELY understand. Thanks for listening.

I completely understand and makes total sense to me. I feel the same way. It's not that I want him back, I just don't want him to be with her.

I also question if they will be the ones that last and how much that will hurt if they do because I felt that he and I were going to be the ones that made it a lifetime. We didn't, so I don't want them to either. Should he be with someone else, that would be different, just not with her.

There is a statistic out there that says only 5% of relationships that start out because of an affair actually last. Maybe our X's will be the ones that make it, maybe not. But we are better people without them.

stbxwife....I know exactly how you feel also.. I to believe that if my ex was not with the OW - then my children and I would be much better off.... I just feel that I would be 100% better if he had someone else - someone that was not a willing participant in the end of my marriage... And as I told the other woman - You know what I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy - and I hope that you experience it to the fullest extent.. I told her that I trusted my ex for almost 20 years and I would have bet my life on the fact that he would never have done this to me - but look what he did... They are fooling themselves - and if they stay together - fine - someone we will get through it and be happier - because what do they have - ??? They both lie, they cannot really trust each other... So even though it hurts - we will make it.... Stay strong...

STBXW (…or XW) I’m sorry you are hurting. Hang in there… it WILL get better. I too understand how you feel. My WW practically lives with the OM whenever she doesn’t have the kids with her. I can totally see her moving in with him once the custody evaluation is over though. This @sshole lives about 150 ft. from my front door. You see, unlike you, my WW and I did actually build our house together. We moved in and started really making a home for ourselves and she had to go off and leave us for the neighbor. Nice. I think it hurts more that she did do the house thing with me and the kids and still decided to leave. Anyway, I just wanted to say hey, keep your chin up. You’ll be just fine…

EXW,

You've got your focus in the wrong direction sweetie. Who cares that they bought a house? You shouldn't. Regroup dear and make yourself only focus on you and your children and those you love. I was the same way years ago and caused myself alot of unnecessary heartache by focussing on my X and his new W/OW. You really must develop an apathetic attitude towards both of them. Not even care if they stay together for life! It is NOTHING to you now!! If I would have waited for my X's marriage to end with W/OW, I'd still be waiting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> They are going strong and seem happy, 23 years later. Stop allowing these people to affect your life.

Personally, I don't believe the 5% statistic. I've seen tooooo many people in life who are from affairs and married a long time, and far tooooo many BSs on boards like this one posting of their X's still being with the OW! The bottom line is, none of us should even give a flip if the X stays with their OW. Believe me, when you get to that point, you'll be MUCH happier!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Work on you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 17, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: TheFeminineSide ]</small>

Thanks everyone for your replies.

TFS- Trust me I'm trying my hardest to not care. And each day it gets better. But it's hard to NOT have resentment towards them. I mean she was part of the reason why we divorced. And it's just hard to swallow and accept without resentment.

I guess it's just the way I feel right now and eventually the feeling will go away.

BUT..........I still hope they don't make it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hang in there. I think what you are feeling is normal. After three and a half years of being apart from my XH I still hope from time to time that my XH and the OW won't make it from time to time, but the need for that has definately lessened over time.

My XH and the OW are even getting married on Sat. and tonight as I dropped our four kids off so they could get ready for the wedding I can honestly say that I felt nothing, no sadness, no wanting to thing to fall through nothing. I didn't wish them luck or anything, but I can honestly say I don't care.

It will get better. Like TheFeminineSide said focus on you and the kids. You are the only ones worth your time.

Take care and God bless!
K

STBXWife:

I completely understand. I share your grief and pain with you. Sometimes I just want to scream like a 12 year old "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!," because of course it is not fair. My XH recently got engaged to the OW, and I feel exactly the same as you. I think I could deal with this whole thing better if he had moved on, but moved on with someone unconnected with the tragic and unnecessary destruction of our marriage.

I definitely feel for you, but for your own mental health, you have to put it out of your mind. You have to arrange your life to be full, satisfying and happy irrespective of what your XH does with his life, or who he chooses to share it with. I see people here and elsewhere clinging to this "5%" statistic - forget about it. Assume they are together forever and move on for yourself. Big picture it is a better attitude for YOU - and that is what you need to focus on. What you can control.

I wish you love and happiness.

Carla

Sweetie, I really feel for you. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. I can tell you honestly, do NOT take it personally. All of his decisions, faults, choices, weaknesses are because of him and HIS reality and his inadequacy. None of it has anything to do with you. You're strong and you will survive all of this.

Oh, <wink> and if you get a chance, egg her car!

Jill

my counselor said tghat every relationship built on lies and deceit is doomed to failure. That he has seen every year ( 6 mos., i yr, 2yrs, 5 yrs., 10yrs., etc.) that as soon as something goes bad, one spouse distrusts the other and the relationship falls apart. It is doomed to failure becaues each know the other can cheat at any moment and that is how they got there in the first place. It's a battle of trust I believe is what he said.

Sometimes i feel the samer way about my stbx and the OM. But i try not to let them rent free space in my brain... I have to go on. It still hurts like hell and i tryy not to dwell on it. I just hope the karma train hits her in the face someday...but by that time I probably won't care. Please take care of yourself, john

STBX!! How are you! I just got a new high speed internet connection and decided to log on and see if I could find you. I haven't been on in a long time! It looks like you ended up getting a divorce (I did too) and that your exH just bought a house with GF (mine just did too). We seem to be living parallel lives. And, like you, the house purchase upset me a great deal despite my being able to move on in most other respects. Lately my 4 year old has mentioned that daddy's getting married. "Daddy" denies it, but who knows..really, at this point, who cares. It would be nice if he told me first but no reason to expect that he would.

I imagine that your "baby" now is a tot. Mine is 19 mos. and a bundle of fun. I'm acccustomed to raising them on my own now and have met some other terrific single parents (mostly dads it seems. I don't know where the other single moms in town are). At times I almost feel sorry for these "regular" families who seem to bicker so much about who's turn it is to do this or that. I'm either "on" or "off". The three of us do what we want -- play in the rain, make a mess, eat cereal for dinner, or whatever and no one can say a thing about it.

Life is good. I hope you're well despite the occasional downtimes that we all have. I hope you gets this and will check back to see if you're still around!

What a journey this has been, huh? When you look back, can't really believe what you've been through.

DIJ

STBXWife -
You aren't bad, you're just human to feel as you do.

But -- you are no longer STBX, you are ex-wife. And the other woman IS now probably going to be his family too, along with your children. Unfortunately, the divorce makes you no longer his family.

I agree with the Feminine Side. You have to move on and get past this. It's been final over half a year...and time goes far too quickly...

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>