I doubt any of you remember me from last summer, but to sum it up in a couple of sentences...

Last May my wife cheated on me EA/PA and fessed up to me a few days after the PA began. She continued to see him for a few months and I caught her in several lies all the while keeping to Plan A. She said some really horrible things back then that still plague me to this day. Anyway... I moved out in October at her request and I stopped trying to fix us. I started working on me. We occassionaly saw each other and spent a little time together over the next few months. In Jan I decided I needed to get away so took a trip to Costa Rica. I had a great time and met several guy friends that moved down there and married local girls. Talking to these guys kinda opened my eyes to the crap I'd been taking for years. The day after my return I went and saw a lawyer and started the divorce process. I decided that I needed to move on with my life and that I had married a very destructive and selfish person that would never be satisified with me.

Flash forward.... The waiting period is over, the papers are complete and all they require are her signature and we're done. She refuses to sign them. Not only that but she says she wants me to move home.
I tell her I can't move home unless some reassurances are made that the past won't repeat itself. I tell her that I cannot subject myself to reinvesting in our relationship until some substancial changes are made on her part.
I ask her to see a counselor, she won't. I ask her to go to marriage counseling with me, she doesn't want to. In fact she has come right out and said that she will do nothing to address my issues until I move back in. Emotionally I've gone through heck. To the point where I had myself put on antidepressants last September (I'm an antimed kinda guy). I just got myself off them in March and I'm having a few troubles, but not to the point of going back on them.

We had an email conversation a month ago and basically it came out that she really doesn't accept primary responsibility for what happened and states that I drove her to it. I state in the last email:

"There is never any forgiveness from you, but the point is that I gather you feel justified in what you did. If your answer to that is yes, that you do feel justified and have no assurances that it will never happen again then we have nothing to discuss."

Limbo continues, we go weeks without a single communication. Then all the sudden I get an IM asking why I don't talk to her.


What to do? We are at a chasam and the bridge is out. She's on one side and I the other.

If you've gotten this far with ending the marriage, keep going. I would think that if she really wanted to stay married she would be doing whatever it takes and she's refusing to do anything. Or at least until you come home. The fact that she doesn't take responsibility for her behavior (affair) is a big red flag. There must be some law that will still allow you a divorce without her signature especially since no kids are involved. I say go through with the divorce and if there is some chance for you two, you can alway remarry. Right?

I agree with dsd67 on this one.
The emotional roller coaster you have been on can come to an end. I don't know your situation but it sounds like it may be a control thing with your W. She gives you just enough for you to think there may be a chance to make this marriage work, but then there is no willingness on her part to seek counsling and get to the root of your problems.
Avoidence will never solve anything.
I encourage you if your not already to talk with a good counsler even if your W will not.
Some people just are unable or unwilling to open their eyes and heart to the problems facing their marriages. Pride, egos, selfishness all get in the way.

Take Care, hang in there.

I agree with the other posters, keep your eyes open.....there's a wonderful woman waiting for you somewhere.....

Hi, sorry to butt in, but I'm not sure I agree...

What do YOU want, sounds to me like you want this thing fixed?

It really sounds a bit like you have both got into "whos fault was it", and really does that matter? What matters is that it gets fixed!

If you really want to get out of this then go ahead and get it done, but I don't think you would be asking the question then...

Maybe it's worth trying some no-blame councelling? By that I mean start saying to her that "fault" really doesn't matter but fixing the problem does. Going to councelling as equals will have a much better result..

All the best

Graeme

Graeme:

Sound words. Yes there is a part of me that would still like this to work out. I still have feelings for her. No-Blame counceling..... never heard of this.

I am not sure if I am missing something...
I gather that EA is emotional affair, and that PA is a physical affair. Am I right? Well I have been married for three years and I have put up with being told that he did not love me or find me attractive. Every time I go out he tells me that if I dont come home with another woman, than I shouldnt come home at all. Our marriage is essentially over, however we have a two year old daughter. I am worried. He also has a violent temper..
Well long story short, I have met someone. I have just talked to this person a few times (in a large group) and nothing sexual, physical or anything like that came up. The thing is I could feel things for him if I allowed myself to. The point of it is, I wont. What actually defines emotional affair? Is it what begins to happen when people just start to get carried away?

HarryS---I think you already know the answer to this one. I was like you and did everything I could to save our M...my wife did not want to work on it at all, no MC, no self help books, just sweep the past behind us and hope it doesn't happen again. And of course, I drove her to this...bull#@@$$!!!

All the while she was still with this guy (out of state married co-worker). I finally ended it and we have filed jointly and we have our own lawyers. Now, the RED flags are way up for you and they would be for me if my W ever wanted to make this work. I think she is done with that guy but now she is with another. She is doing an out of state internship and we are separated on the way to D.

Look at how obvious this is:
We had an email conversation a month ago and basically it came out that she really doesn't accept primary responsibility for what happened and states that I drove her to it. I state in the last email:

"There is never any forgiveness from you, but the point is that I gather you feel justified in what you did. If your answer to that is yes, that you do feel justified and have no assurances that it will never happen again then we have nothing to discuss."

She will never take responsibility and continue to deflect this...she will have another A, I guarantee it because she can get away with it, she is in control and not you!

Limbo continues, we go weeks without a single communication. Then all the sudden I get an IM asking why I don't talk to her.

Wake up, man and get out of LIMBO!! There is nothing won by choosing LIMBO. And the lies begat more lies, this is the TRUTH. Make the choice to mourn for a little. And move on, move ahead. Get control of YOUR LIFE BACK.

You now realize (and so do I) that you cannot change somebody else, but you can change your life circumstances.

TARAN--you need to focus on your M first. And if he does not want to work on it, END YOUR M first before beginning another R.

Just my 2 cents and humble opinion. I have really learned alot over the past 12 months. And, I really agree with the other posters who feel the same way I do.

Get out!! RUN, do not trip, but RUN!!!

thanks and I realize that... But how can someone have an emotional affair... just one where emotion is involved?? people cant help how they feel.. only how they respond to their feelings.

TARAN-I believe everyone is essentially weak...and some are weaker than others...and given the right set of circumstances, alcohol and/or social setting, bonds can form emotionally with someone else. Read Dr. Harley's definition of a EA...for women, this is usually what starts first which could lead to a PA. Certain needs are not being met by the other spouse, which could lead someone to go astray. I know my wife is a weak, selfish, self-centered person and now see how this could happen. No excuses are acceptable in my book for infidelity, however. She should have at least tried to tell me how she felt and not gone off with someone else.

For example, my spouse tells me she was miserable for years. Which is incredibly hard to believe considering we camped, fished, travelled, partied, dinners, made love, holidays...you name it. She would then add that we never talked about us. And being a guy, I did not know she really needed to talk alot...I mean, we spoke a little about us...and we always spoke on the phone everyday...but alot of the talk was always about her and her day, never mine. I think all couples go through this sort of "co-habitating" thing and everyone has issues. But, of course, she never told me she needed this. I mean, we did everything together...but life is not a romance novel, you know what I mean?

So, tell your spouse what you need, explain to him you are not happy....and maybe seek counseling on your own and decide indeed if you want this M. It is your choice to stay in it or end it. I believe a wake up call is necessary for your spouse to see how serious you are....and if he does not want to WORK at the M, then I think you really have to dig deep and figure out how important it is to you. I encourage you to stay away from temptation as it is always present...because your are weak right now.

Thank you for the advice. I know that I am weak. I just hate settling for being treated like dirt just because its "comfortable" He has been having affairs since we were married, both on the internet and in person. He left me for a while when I was pregnant with our daughter. He buys lingerie for other women in exchange for pics of them in it. He has never bought me anything.. not for christmas, my birthday, mothers day, or our anniversary. This just isnt my idea of a marriage.

Did I mention that I am only 22?

You are in a ridiculous situation and IMO time to GET OUT....you deserve WAAAAYYY BEEETTTTER than this bum.

Gather your strength and empower yourself to change your life circumstances. You do not need another relationship at this point. First and foremost, end your M....then begin anew. I am not saying keep close friends with someone for support but slow down and do not move too fast....you are only going to make this more difficult for yourself and your children.

Consider yourself lucky that your are only 22 and have your whole life ahead of you.

Most guys would love to have a woman like you.

DUMP THIS BUM ASAP!!!!

Learn what your legal rights are. Pull up the filing process for your state online. I am not sure if you can afford a lawyer but I would seriously line all of this up and then confront your husband with your plan.

Good Luck...