I originally posted this on emotional needs - someone suggested posting it here as many of you have dealt with this situation.

I'll add we've been married 12 years and have 2 children under 10.

Here's the short story, marriage is not in the best shape, has been bad for awhile, we've been working on it this past year, 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. Husband met a woman at a business conference one year ago, had dinner with her, and started emailing her after the conference. She lives in another state. I have read most of the emails from him and her, his emails are full of emotional thoughts, problems he has dealt with in the last few years, death and depression etc. He actually says very little about me - sometimes it is just about our children and things we have done. I pretty sure it was not a physical affair, I see absolutely no evidence in the emails. She pretty much seems like a therapist for him, although she really never offers too much advice. She talks about her family, including her husband etc. Well my husband planned a trip with a couple of guys for an overnighter and guess where they picked to go, yes to the state and area where the email friend lives. He told me about the email friend some time ago when we were really working on our marriage, he swears it is just an outlet for him and helps him with his thoughts. Well I was none too happy when I found out he was going there, he first tried to lie about where he was going but I found the map he printed out from mapquest's history and I did confront him. Of course he said he knew it would upset me if I found out so he didn't want to tell me. I told him it did upset and asked him not to go but he is. He says he knows that I can't understand it but it is a purely platonic relationship that she is just a friend he likes to talk with. In my gut I say this is bad, maybe I'm just too biased, wonder what other men and women think??

I guess I should add I am reading his email without his knowledge (obviously). A couple other things I'm almost embarrassed to add is that he wrote this women a poem after knowing her for maybe two days. I never saw the poem, he also said he wrote lyrics for a song that she was the inspiration for, I never saw those as well. He usually says to her he thinks about her daily and wishes her well...geez...it sounding worse all the time.

Dear Devestation-

I don't know you and I don't know your husband, but I do see warning signs here and yes I believe you have the right to be upset.

You husband is having an emotional affair right now. You may not have seen any evidence of a physical affair and there very well might not be, but the fact that he is discussing such personal things with her confirms he has established an emotional connection and we all know very well how strong they can be and where they can lead.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair? If not, check into them. As for the trip, it sounds fishy to me.

Just my two cents.

Take care and God bless!
K

Devastation,

I agree with Still Reeling. Wether there is anything physical or not, an emotional affair can be as bad as or worse than a physical affair.

I personaly believe that an EA is more damaging because Love is an emotion. Sex is just a benefit of sharing the emotions but doesn't always require them.

Just so you know, I am a BS but not a victim of EA or PA so these are just my honest, not too biased thoughts.

My only question is what attraction, other than her does this are offer?

WIWH

Hi,

Well in the main I agree with the others, but a couple of things to think over..

- Suppose the emails had been to a male friend, would you have given them another thought?
- It is possible to have close "other sex" friends without there being anything devious in it.

I'm not saying there isn't a problem here, just that there are other ways of looking at it..

All the best

Devastation,
I have walked in your shoes. Your husband is having an Emotional Affair and might not even realize it as such. He probably won't call it an EA because he is in "the fog".

WIWH was right, Emotional Affairs (EA) are more damaging. I know, cuz my husband had an EA that lasted almost a year when we still lived together. The fact is, they contain thoughts at levels that build up (and become fantasies) over time. Then they get to the "soul mate" status and they're sharing things that totally omit you and your life with your husband. At this point, EAs are VERY difficult to break up (and for the WS to walk away from). Then the next thing you know, it's a physical affair (PA).

Are you seeing a counselor? Does your husband want to improve your marriage?

Have you taken the Emotional Needs test? Here's a link for it: Emotional Needs Questionnaire You can take it for yourself and also answer them for your husband if he won't do it. However, ideally you can get him to participate on his own. That might be the first step in seeing why he felt the initial need to be pursue this OW (yes, that's what she is at this point). Try to find out what is missing there that you can improve on.

Bottom line - you are NOT biased. Your husband is having an EA and you need to develop a plan to work on your marriage. Keep us posted.

<small>[ June 19, 2004, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>