Thank you all so much for all your opinions.

I was truly shocked to get this letter. After thinking it over I've decided to accept it at face value. Whatever her intentions, we (me, XH, OW) are all in this situation and need to make the best of it for my son. As long as she is good to him, and respectful of me, I'm not interested in anything else from her. It sounds like she's trying to do that- my son likes her very much, XH remains a good father and sees son often - so I'll just deal with it.

I don't see any obvious crack in their relationship; they just got engaged and seem quite happy together. I'm assuming that they will get married, and that they'll stay married. I clung to this "5%" statistic for awhile, but found it did not help me move on. In fact it made me feel quite desperate and vindictive. I don't want to care about my XH's new relationship. I don't want to waste the time or energy.

I think I'll pass a message through XH that I received her letter, and agree that we all need to get along for son's benefit. I image we will have contact from time to time after they marry, and all I care about is that DS doesn't experience any tension or anger between the adults in his life.

Other than this, we've been doing well. I was kind of thrown when they got engaged, but I knew it was coming so I had prepared myself somewhat. I guess I'll deal with the wedding next. Although I've begun seeing someone lately... that helps the moving on process too.

Thanks again for everyone's support.

That sounds great, Carlajo. I think it’s a good sign your son likes this woman. Most children have good instincts.

I wish you the best over this last difficult time.

Hmm. I wonder if X’s should give away the bride and groom?

You sound at a very good place Carlajo. Keep your son's best interests at heart and you will do fine.

Take care and God bless!
K

Sounds great Carlajo! You should be proud of yourself for being so level headed and for putting your son's behalf first priority in this tough situation.


Nellie,

"No, I did understand. Of course they don't usually say that they feel resentment - though there was a post here (or maybe it was on general questions) the other day by an unusually honest second wife about that very subject.

Why do you think that it is almost universal for men to see far less of their children once the men remarry or are in another relationship? It sure isn't because their children need them any less. "

You are wrong. Maybe a bit tainted perhaps?? I belong to a second wives site and the evidence of their posts shows you to be wrong. Sure, there are those women (mostly the young, insecure ones) that feel like they are competing with the kids (what a joke that is!), but MOST of the wives want nothing more than to have a good relationship with their stepchildren. I truly love my future stepchildren. They are great kids!! It's hard for me to understand a woman who doesn't reach out to children. Now his XW is a whole nother story!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The reasons that some fathers don't see their children are MANY and varied according to lots of factors. Some fathers are just not that good of fathers. Some mothers keep the kids away from the father out of revenge and meanness. Sometimes one or the other of the parents move and that creates a situation where the father doesn't see his children like he should. The list goes on and on, but to blame it solely on the second wife is bull****. That is the case on occasion, but certainly not the majority of the time in the situations I've seen firsthand.

There are two men at work that have to combate their XW's constantly to get to even see their children! It is disgusting. There are some mothers out their very guilty of doing things to keep the father out of their children's lives. Sad but true.

Forgot to say that I wish I had been this caring and strong when I divorced. It took me awhile to get there.

You are quite amazing Carlajo!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"I image we will have contact from time to time after they marry, and all I care about is that DS doesn't experience any tension or anger between the adults in his life."

Well hey, thanks TheFeminineSide. I appreciate the confidence.

This whole process has been painful, and from my perspective, unnecessary. However, here we are.

I agree with your views on second wives in general. Though I may be proven wrong, this woman seems to genuinely care about my son and has not posed any problem as far as XH visitation and custody. God help her (and him) if that changes - I admit I worry about what a new half-sibling would do to my son. But for now all is relatively calm.

It sounds to me like you've got a great attitude about your BF's children. I'm sure you'll be a great stepmom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but MOST of the wives want nothing more than to have a good relationship with their stepchildren. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is NOT what I have observed, in real life or on this board. The excuse that some fathers are just not that good is irrelevant, because the evidence shows that fathers see much less of their children once they become involved in another relationship - unless you are saying that the new relationship causes a decline in ability to be a good father.

My view is not "tainted." Yes, my children have experienced having their father's new partner keep him away from them - as a matter of fact she wrote an email, posing as him, stating that visitation by the children disturbed the atmosphere in her house, and stating that he would do whatever was necessary to keep that from happening. (I am sure that it was she who wrote the long and rambling email - after a quarter of a century together, I know my husband's writing style). I could give you many examples of second wives/gf's who were just as bad or worse.

And excellent scholarly resource on this subject is Martin Daly's and Margo Wilson's book, "The Truth about Cinderella: A Darwinian View of Parental Love."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That is NOT what I have observed, in real life or on this board. The excuse that some fathers are just not that good is irrelevant, because the evidence shows that fathers see much less of their children once they become involved in another relationship - unless you are saying that the new relationship causes a decline in ability to be a good father. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to disagree. It is not just the fathers that see less of the children. It is the WS or noncustodial parent that sees less of them.

I have seen many cases, 2 very close to home where a father is able to become a better father and make his time with the kids more beneficial to them as well as him once he was out of the destructive relationship with XW. Wether the destuction of the M was his doing or not.

Even having a new relationship where the OW was caring and willing to accept his children as her stepchildren and friends has proven to me that children can see that Mommy and Daddy just weren't happy together but now that they are apart or with someone else, they are happy, and in many cases get along better.

I'm sure that there are more cases where this is not so but there are many where it is. Not all OP's are bad for children and not all M's are good for them either.

WIWH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is the WS or noncustodial parent that sees less of them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are undoubtedly correct about that.

There is ample evidence that having the original parents remain together is better for the children, whether the parents are "happy" or not, unless the marriage is abusive or extremely high conflict. Children do not care whether their parents are "happy" - they just want their parents. It is far better for children to witness their parents work out difficulties than to see them jump ship to chase their own "happiness." People who seek happiness are doomed to never find it. The road to a good life is through doing the right thing, acting responsibly, and honoring your commitments. Nonrepentant WS's and OP's do none of that, and consequently can not be good role models for the children.

Caraljo,

"God help her (and him) if that changes - I admit I worry about what a new half-sibling would do to my son. But for now all is relatively calm."

Hear, hear to that sentiment!!! I've always felt like the "mama bear" in regard to my XH's wife and my children. Luckily, she never has done anything to them except try and be friend with them. They gave her a pretty hard time for some years in the beginning. Have to admit that I got some good laughs out of it...probably shouldn't have, but did. She is quite a few years younger
than I am and had no children and no experience with them as she is an only child. To say I had my doubts about her being in the same room, much less stepparenting them, would be a huge understatement! They were young and I feared for their safety and mental well-being for the first couple of years.

While I realize that "if" your X and his new wife have children is not up to you, it would be great if you could talk to him about waiting for the children's sake. My X waited a couple of years, and I believe it was very helpful to my children. Kids don't need another huge thing to adjust to right off the bat in addition to their father and mother splitting up and having to adjust to dad's new spouse.

Take care and keep us posted! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nellie,

"That is NOT what I have observed, in real life or on this board. The excuse that some fathers are just not that good is irrelevant, because the evidence shows that fathers see much less of their children once they become involved in another relationship - unless you are saying that the new relationship causes a decline in ability to be a good father."

As another poster said, A LOT has to do with WHO has custody of the children. Father's who have custody see their children more than the mother. The sad fact is, unless there is 50/50 sharing of the children, one parent doesn't get the chance to see their children as often as they'd like. Don't misunderstand, I too know of rotten fathers who have stopped parenting. Some fathers don't parent even when in the home!

"My view is not "tainted." Yes, my children have experienced having their father's new partner keep him away from them - as a matter of fact she wrote an email, posing as him, stating that visitation by the children disturbed the atmosphere in her house, and stating that he would do whatever was necessary to keep that from happening. (I am sure that it was she who wrote the long and rambling email - after a quarter of a century together, I know my husband's writing style). I could give you many examples of second wives/gf's who were just as bad or worse. "

Sorry, Nellie, but you definitely are tainted. It's understandable considering what your X has done and continues to do.


"And excellent scholarly resource on this subject is Martin Daly's and Margo Wilson's book, "The Truth about Cinderella: A Darwinian View of Parental Love."

I'd hardly call it an "excellent scholarly resource". LOL It is two people's theory. Nothing more. Plus, it's a bit drama queen with the title! But they are trying to sell the book! The fact is there ARE GOOD stepparents. To say that ALL stepparents are wicked (like this book is betraying) is totally foolhardy. There are many more books and opinions that are positive about stepparents. Stop trying to paint all stepparents with one black brush Nellie. It simply isn't true. My father is a stepparent who isn't bad. My bf's XW has a stepmother that she loves like her real mother (spends more time with her too and has to travel further to do it). For some reason you want to make all stepparents out to be "bad". This isn't healthy. Try looking in the mirror and figuring out why you have the need to do that...

Forgive me if I sound mean spirited but, folks, you are playing Nellie 1's game.

Can you remember her ever having a post that was not bitter or biting?

I don't think so.

Why waste your breath?

Move on and discuss the topic. She will never see the light until she chooses to so do. And you will never convince her of anything.

Most of her posts are the equivalent to a George Carlin show - only she doesn't fill the bucket with water. If you go and sit on the front row, you better take your plastic sheeting because you just may need to protect yourself.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Have you actually read the book? I doubt it. If you had, you would know that nowhere did the authors say that "all" stepparents were bad. Whether you agree with the authors or not, the work is scholarly. It is published by Yale University Press, and part of a series in the field of evolutionary theory, based at the London School of Economics. Other books in this series include works by noted evolutionary biologists such as Colin Tudge.

BTW, perhaps you should look up the definition of "tainted" - I don't think that is the word you are looking for. Perhaps you really meant influenced - of course my views are influenced by my experiences and those of my acquaintances, as are your views and everyone else's. If people's views were not influenced by their experiences, our species would not have survived this long.

Cinderella,

I needed that bit of advice! Thank you for slapping me up side of the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am wasting my time. A person as tainted as Nellie will never listen to anyone...she apparently enjoys being negative and wallowing it in.

Lesson learned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Interesting letter, very interesting. I don't think they are having 'troubles', but, I do think she is trying to protect her own. I suspect your X shared some very good things about you with her, in the start of their relationship...typically starts out that way. Positives, then came the negatives...your child is probably filling her with more positives also. Since she is an OW, she is all too familair with your X's committment level, and probably is thinking further down the road for the first time... and sees potential down the road. Maybe it's an evening where you and X have to go to an event of childs and she starts thinking, hmmm, he once committed his life to that lady... oh my, what are they up to? ROFL. Hopefully, that little twist will give you some comfort down the road. Forever, she will wonder if he is seeking you out in some fashion, you don't have to worry about that anymore.

I'm not you, but, I'd pretty much just state I got your letter and thank you. It doesn't mean you forgive her, that is up to you, but, your forgiveness is irrelevant for her...really, she sought it out, and that is all that matters for her side of things. She is pretty much set 'clean' on that aspect (spiritually). Hang in there.

TheFeminineSide,

I believe you have overstepped the bounds of civil communication with your accusation that I am "tainted." According to Merriam-Webster, the primary definition of this word is "to contaminate morally: Corrupt." You have absolutely no reason to believe that I am morally contaminated, and I believe I deserve an apology for that accusation.

Don't get your panties in a bunch Nellie. You KNOW I didn't mean it in that you are "morally corrupt". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Heck, I don't even know you! How could I ever make that type of accusation? I only meant it as "spoiled, contaminated". And not specifically calling YOU that, only your view on Stepparents in general. Why do you try to make something out of nothing? Do you walk around picking fights in your everyday life, or just on this board?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A person as tainted as Nellie will never listen to anyone</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could have fooled me - that statement was not calling me tainted? No, I do not pick fights, here or in real life - I try very hard to confine my remarks to general observations, and to avoid merely hurling personal insults. I do my best to include references to research to back up my statements, research which in this case you chose to belittle without apparently familiarizing yourself with it. (For further research by these evolutionary biologists, published in highly respected scholarly journals, one could go to http://psych.mcmaster.ca/dalywilson/pubs.html ).

I believe your statements are very close to being in violation of the rules of this board. I agree that you do not know me and have no basis for making such statements, but yet you did, which is why I believe an apology, not a denial, is called for.

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</small>

Nellie,
I'll aplogize to you about the time you do to me for beginning this with your smartass remark of "DUH". Drop it. This is going no where. I am not going to argue with you. You are taking my comment out of context. The discussion was stepparents. If I wanted to call you immoral honey, I would have! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: TheFeminineSide ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe your statements are very close to being in violation of the rules of this board. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hijacking isn't appreciated either

Carla Jo, Did you respond to the letter?