So, will the real adults here please stand up?

Several of you need to reread your posts and see just how child-like you sound. My children couldn't dis each other so well.

How would you feel if the real heart of this post were lost because you hijacked it? Well, in my opinion, that has happened. All because a bunch of 'stinky thinkers' decided to insult each other.

Would you prefer to get back on the subject, let the post go the way of the world, or have the post locked because you couldn't agree to disagree? Just let me know and I will be glad to report it.

I do not believe the post was "hijacked" - the original poster was seeking opinions on how to respond to a letter from her H's OW, part of which dealt with how the OW said she felt about the posters son. No one sent the post off in a completely different direction.

I is hardly childish to protest when someone calls you morally corrupt - even if they claim that they can ignore the dictionary definition and use the word to mean whatever they want it to. It is similar to someone calling another person a paranoid psychotic, and then claiming that they just meant that the person whom they had defamed was merely incorrect in their beliefs.

Oh, for Pete's sake, let it drop...

What ended up happening, Carlajo?

Nellie, I don't know you and likewise vice-versa, but, I can see the heart of this other persons post... you seem to be one who enjoys argueing? You wouldn't even agree that this thread was thrown off topic because of your 'disagreement'. ROFL , I sure hope I'm not the only person who sees the humor in that.

I agree, they took a shot at you. You defended yourself. That should have been the end of it all. Oh well.

Curious about the original post and what is going on.... ?????

OK I haven't read the Cinderella story/study regarding stepmothers vs the kids...

I am reviewing some of the stuff I've read over the past year and there doesn't seem to be much of anything about the motives of OW/stepmothers in relation to the kids...

But from my personal experience (and more importantly my daughters' experience with the OW - who had hoped to become their stepmom), there is no doubt whatsoever that my WH's latest OW wanted to interfere with the relationship between father and daughters!

Here's just a few of the nasty things she did to try to control and limit my daughters' access to their father:

- When WH and daughters wanted to start having visitation on a more regular basis, OW told WH, "You assured me your family was totally out of your life - I won't be 2nd place." Then she dumped him (til the next payday, anyway)

- OW would call WH during his visitation with his daughters, to check up on him.

- Youngest daughter came home from visitation and complained that "As soon as we pulled out of the drive-way, Dad called his girlfriend and told her, 'I have (youngest daughter's name) with me, we're going to such & such movie, at such & such mall, and we'll be there until such & such O-clock."

- On a day that WH invited us ALL to spend the entire day with him (insisted on my coming along for visitation too), OW tracked us down and followed us, calling WH repeatedly on cell phone.

- When WH was broke up with OW he could see his children as often as he wanted to but when he was back with OW he could only see them a couple hours on Wednesday and Sunday.

- WH had regularly scheduled Saturday visitation with his daughters from 11 AM to 7 PM. WH had promised one daughter he would give her ride to skating on Sunday (when I would be at another rink with another daughter). But the weekend skating practice started, he said he wasn't 'allowed' to do Saturday visitation anymore if he was going to honor his promise to take daughter to skating on Sunday. This is when he told us he could only do visitation for a couple hours on Wednesday & Sunday... Only time he has seen his daughters on a Saturday since then is when he is broke up with OW.

- Only time daughters can spend night at WH's apartment is when he is broke up with OW.

- OW feels WH owes it to her to marry her and have children with him, because she can't get over the fact it is a bond he has with me that he doesn't have with her.

- When WH is with OW and her daughter, his cell phone is off so his daughters can't interrupt. (This suggestion can be found in the book 'How to Marry a Divorced Man' BTW.)

- WH told youngest daughter he couldn't attend her birthday dinner at a restaurant because "It was too late for him to be out"! He had agreed to meet us there at 6 PM but never showed up. Daughter called him, had to leave a message because his cell phone was off. He called back with lame curfew excuse. Daughter was sobbing in restaurant... She just wanted to eat as quickly as possible and leave...Happy Birthday!)

- When WH is broke up with OW he can spend money on his daughters and can let us use the reliable car (as promised) for traveling to skating competitions. When WH makes up with OW he demands car back and expects me to pay for all daughters' activities and extras out of child support. WH did admit he and OW fought over time and money he gave to his daughters.

- When we complained to WH that apparently he was allowing OW to control his relationship with his children, he said his kids could see him anytime they wanted to... IF IT WAS AT HER HOUSE (under her supervision?)!!!

Oh, and BTW, OW claims she "cares about" our daughters... WH says he believes her too.

Also, the experiences of friends and relatives involved in OW and/or stepmom situations are just as bad or even worse. I don't personally know of any stepkid/stepmom situations that are going smoothly. Oh sure, there are cases where they can manage to act civil, and have 'accepted' that they are sort of stuck with each other like it or not, so they try to make the best of it... But you should hear what they (stepmoms too) say behind each others' backs! And it doesn't appear to get better as the children get older either. I know of a few adultery marriages that are decades old and STILL the now adult children and stepmom are barely even on speaking terms with each other. One OW/stepmom I know has never even been invited inside the homes of most of her stepkids. And they don't accept invitations to her home. She has stepgrandkids she doesn't even know and her child from the adultery is not acknowldeged by most of her husband's relatives. In all honesty, I have yet to observe the theoretical wonderful new blended family the adulterers fantasize is possible. At best the adulterers, while they are still in the afterglow of fog, can manage to ignore the blatant evidence of hurt and resentment, and put on a pretty sugary act of 'loving' the betrayed kids. Again, this is what I've observed, not what I expected or because of a supposed 'taintedness' of a BS.

So either my experiences (and those of everyone I know personally) are very unusual... Or the outcome of stepkids & stepmom living happily ever after is mostly just a fairy tale? I had always assumed the truth lies somewhere in between the two extremes. Frankly I'm surprised I have not yet seen any examples in real life of a happy ending when adultery destroys one family and starts a step family. I agree it probably does happen sometimes, but it's obviously nowhere near as common as some would like to believe.

I'm starting to get pretty worried too. Because I'm pretty sure divorce is inevitable for me and my WH. If so, I hope to remarry but won't if it would cause more problems for my already severely depressed daughters. Hopefully since I wasn't the WS who broke up the marriage/family, and I certainly would not get involved with a man who is breaking up his marriage/family to be with me, then the kids (mine and my new husband's) will accept OUR relationship? The BS's I know who eventually remarried do seem to have far fewer step problems (but still NOWHERE near what the 'kids will adjust' crowd claims). So it is a growing concern of mine. Only one of my three daughters has made positive comments about me dating after the divorce...

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I'm feeling particularly lucky that I don't have most of these issues.

My x is married to a woman whose adult children have made some particularly stupid choices and my children and I talk about the choices...
the out of wedlock baby
divorce
dating while separated
getting married because you're expecting a baby

Those sorts of things.

But, meremortal, if your girls haven't made any comments about you dating, don't worry. It sounds like you're still married. Don't give them that role model. And react as little to their dad's behavior as is possible. But, always, always tell them you love them and be there for them. (But you know to do that.)

Hey guys,
Thought this might be a conversation I would like until I started to read the comments. Seems a little too hositle for me. Just got out of a hostile environment--just looking for some inspiration. Guess not here! Calm down guys.