My W has re-entered the fog. She had an A from Sep. ’02 to my discovery in Aug ’03 (at the same time, I also found out about another A she had in med school 10 years ago). I thought she was in recovery, but she was really in withdrawal. She had several “innocent” phone/email contacts with him until Dec ’03. She restarted the A in Feb ’04. This dude had the gall to call me at my job to tell me to “move on” The strain of it all, combined with my clinical depression pushed me into suicidal thoughts (I was hospitalized for 2 weeks in April). While in the hospital, the entire A was revealed to family and friends. Everyone confronted my W. She responded by leaving town to visit the OM. By the time I was released, my W had retained an attorney and has since filed for a D.

She has “fired” all of our mutual friends, asked for EVERYTHING in the settlement and centers her world around a man who:

• Lives 1000 miles away
• Has other women
• Lost his wife of 13 years to an A (and is still angry)

Although I’m in pain, I’ve decided to stand for my family. We have 2 boys (2 and 5) we’ve been M 13 years and together 20. My W also just quit her job to start her own medical practice—all while making these gigantic changes. We still live together, so we still have lots of contact.

My questions:
• Should I fight the D? (FL is a no fault state, so I can really just drag it out)
• Should I reveal what I know about the OM to my W?
• OM works for the Federal Gov. and has used his travel privileges to facilitate the A. There are statues against that (he would lose hi job) my L says we should use that as leverage in the D proceedings. Should I?
• She is struggling with the practice already. I was assisting her before the hospitalization. Should I help?

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Just read your posts.

I would have first of all the hard drive examined and would get all information of their internet contact.

You're in a precarious spot and you need to think your way thru and not be led around by your emotions. The emotions will not keep you stable and right now you need your wits about you.

She's made some really stupid changes. All revolve around huge life changing decisions and they are seeming to be sudden ones. She is probably a classic walkaway wife. Probably felt all those years in school followed by long hours and she felt maybe unfulfilled as a woman.

All isn't lost but you must be realistic as well. Sure we'd like to see you both recover, but your sanity is at stake here..You need to so something that you will find contradictory ok? On one hand you need to proceed with the divorce and gather evidence and information on both of them. Get the internet info. Get travel info. Find out how and as much as you can about the man using his job with the gov to facilitate his affair.

And yes, you can send this documentation to his employer and he will face those consequences and be fired. That would for sure make it harder to see him if he lives a thousand miles away and can't fly to be at her side or fly her to be at his side.

That is ok b/c the affiar has been "exposed to the light of day". You're just a taxpayer doing what a taxpayer should.

Be good to yourself as lauralee said. That is important. YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER. But you CAN CONTROL YOU. Exercise, eat right, take care of you and find some things that make you happy. The worst thing that could happen is that your x show you clinically unstable (she is a doc) and that she have you declared unfit so you should show instead with your own psych that her affair and cruel treatment led to your depression and subsequent hospitalization. Do NOT let her use that against you. This is why it's key to be good to yourself right now. You gotta keep your wits so if this divorce happens you can 1)be primary for kids and keep them from moving a thousand miles away and 2)recover and heal and not suffer at her hand anymore.

Meanwhile when you contact her, you should do divorcebusting techniques and not LB. You should appear happy, don't talk abour relationship. Don't talk about affair. Show her somebody who's "had an awakening and moved on". Make yourself a challenge.

Do a search here and find divorcebusting 180 techniques. You have a walkaway here.

She is foggy and living in a dreamland that is pure escapism. Plan A, a pure plan A is not wise here in this case. If things dramatically deteriorate, then I would suggest however doing a plan B.

Your best chance is doing divorcebusting 180 tips. Give space, expose affair more with his job and she will withdraw from fog a bit. It will take time. Or she may run completely. We don't know what she will do but she's been unfaithful before as you mentioned. She also has recently quit her practice and is probably entertaining the thought of starting over where the OM is living and setting up her practice there. I'd also look online for her searching for a practice to join in that city. You should find this out.

If things really get bad, I would be pre-emptive and file for divorce first citing adultery, cruel treatment, and abandonment if she leaves again. You cannot threaten this or inform her of anything legally you are doing.

Yes, it's a contradiction. To live one way and also be preparing another way. But you have to do it. You must protect the kids above all. And you can stop divorce proceedings at any time btw..

Now's not the time to lose your emotions and head. You are at a crossroads. I wish I could say that "she will come to her senses and you should do this or that and she will for sure come home". But I can't. Just live one day at a time. And live each day wisely.

I wouldn't waste time however hiring an attorney and gathering this information btw.

Also, in filings you should arrange to have OM subpoenea'd.

You need to be loving and yet tough at same time. Mindset is to protect the young little ones.

I am praying for you guys.

And WIWH is exactly right. OM isn't around enough to LB yet. She is on the high of contact to next contact. He is a fantasy and not at all a real guy. He poops, expels, snores, and gets b.o. just like anybody else and probably on occasion has morning breath. He probably has to do laundry, clean his house, and other non-glamorous real life things too. Your W only sees the intrigue, the glamour, the secretivity. That's what's fueling the affair.