I posted this on alt.divorce.support a while back.. tell me what you think.

ALSO A MORE RECENT UPDATE IS ON THE SECOND POSTING, please give your input. Does guy sound wierd or what...please tell me that this isn't normal.

She has since initiated for divorce and we are trying to settle the two properties we own in the divorce. She is trying to make contact but I don't call her back..email is our only means. Should I write her back?? everytime I do I just seem to go backwards and turn into a ranting [censored] and I feel like it takes me back weeks emotionally.

I just found out that the woman I used to respect , even thought she walked
out on me is someone totally different from the woman I married. My life
feels over, the hurt and betrayal are crushing. It's so disheartening to
think of her as so evil as to what she is doing now and the person I though
she was when I was with her. She was a good actress I suppose. I thought
she only left because of me but now i find out she is actually living with
the man she denied cheating with.

She is much different in her actions and words that the woman I thought i
knew. She is almost evil like in her actions. Lies, cheating, she stole
stuff out of here.

I found out she had an affair from the wife of the man she is cheating with,
and it has been confirmed by others. This has been going on for months. The
lies and betrayal , the things I learned that I didn't know before are
absolutely shocking. Sometimes the pain is too much and I feel like
suicide. (THIS IS NO LONGER TRUE)(I am better now)

She cheated on me with a cheater, aren't those things doomed to failure
usually? How can something like that last? Please respond.

The only good thing is I don't have to blame myself anymore.

I am finding out newer revelations everyday. I think my stbx is in for a big
shock in short time. The clown she left with has a judgment against him with
the IRS (he is a carpenter and only claimed 5 grand for the year as income)
(well it finally caught up with him due to a customer of his and this guy
needed a receipt) and he has to get a lawyer for that and for a divorce
lawyer. I do get down, sometimes very very down.... but not suicidal like I
was.

I found out more shocking revelations . I am a so so Catholic, but my
wife decided she is a spiritualist soon after we were married . The
catholic church discriminates against women she said. Anyway, she is
parading her affair around in this so called church with her new live in
partner. no shame or morals.. That in itself is bizarre, because it goes
against everything that any major religion teaches. She is really screwed up,
totally, I think this guy did me a grand favor. Years from now this probably
won't bother me anymore.

Also, she is going crazy because now I refuse to talk to her and tell her
what is going on with the divorce, I refuse to speak to her, she no longer
is worthy of my words to her.

There are more revelations about this guy that I learned from his wife and
if I posted them here, you would think it was BS and I was a troll . I
mean they are shocking to me. Oh what the hell...to write is therapeutic.

The guy likes to sit naked and meditate for hours nude in the dark on the
living room couch, he wears women's underwear and paints his toenails to
match his moods.( that started innocent enough, he had no underwear, so he
decided to wear his wife's black ones but moved to lacey flowery ones) And
she found size 12 red woman's pumps in the closet as she was moving his
stuff out.. my wife doesn't wear size 12! I guess there was a period where
she asked him what the hell he was doing and who are you? He moved out for
awhile, came back saying he had to find himself and they threw all the
woman's stuff out ,but months later he did it again she said. This is what
she left me for!!!! I mean this is so bizarre, you must wonder what I am
like..... I am boring in my normality... I like to fish, read , camp, do
guy things, travel , museums, movies, crosswords etc..etc....

I just know he is blowing smoke up my wife's [censored] about their grand plans...
but according to his wife, she tells me she will be greatly disappointed. He
never follows through on anything. A carpenter that always rented etc...
and said he would build a house, he promised that to his first and second
wife... but they all rented. Now I see I did nothing really wrong in our
relationship. I wasn't perfect by far, but I was no monster, I didn't cheat,
drink, stay out at bars, beat my wife...etc... I worked overtime and tried
to make something of a life together for us.

I want to know if you people think that relationships like this last?. Ones
that are built on a foundation of lies and deceit.? I never really knew the
definition of karma until this week... but it is a very comforting thought.
Somewhat similar to what comes around goes around. Please give me your input
please.
Thanks, John

I must tell every one that i copied and pasted this letter from about april 1st or a little after. I was feeling very down and at that time was even having feelings of suicide. I have had a gamut of emotions from blaming it all on myself up until I found out about the affair to getting extremely angry and wanting to literally going over there and choking the life out of that little worm she is living with. As you know the feelings of hurt, lies, deception and betrayal reach down and touch your very soul... I don't think I would wish it on anyone except maybe my STBX and her panty boy.
I did a lot of things after finding out, I screamed, yelled, called her a whore, told her friends and family. I am not proud to say I lost it... I do have some regret in my actions.

Anyway, I have been feeling a lot better. There have been a few emails as we were trying to negotiate a settlement on our properties (2 houses we bought since we got married). Needless to say, i never got anywhere and just got more lies and aggravation.

I also was being blamed for the affair... she said "i have to take some responsibilitie for my part of this mess" yea right!! like i forced you to have an affair! A couple of times she has done that and i told her to not blame me for her choices.

I decided to cut out all contact after Memorial day weekend and she has since tried to initiate contact, but i did not answer. Answering her only makes me go backwards and upset.

The other day was our first court appearance,. and I didn't know i had to attend since I recieved a letter before the summons and thought it was a joke... my lawyer covered for me. When i got home from work the STBX tried to initiate contact. I cannot talk to her... after what she did to me.. it is over.

It almost seems like she wants to keep me on a string with some of the things she has done to get me to contact. I have been called by the National Gaurd (she is 44 and can't join) and a culinary school, all so I will email and say hey are you joining this or doing that?

I can't see her relationship lasting, she gave up security of a home and faithful husband to be with a loser that has nothing. Sometimes I wonder if it is working with that pathological lying freak, I wouldn't be surprised if she calls me up if and when she falls on her face. I guess he is her problem now. I think she is going to find that he is not what she thought...one thing for certain, as soon as the novelty wears off for him he will cheat on her as he has done to wife number one and two. It kills me how stupid she is being...like this is going to be any better for her

Well I better go for now... life is getting better everyday. Thank God! BUT please twell me what you think... John

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Welcome johninwny:

I am so sorry to hear the pain you are feeling. Believe me, we have all felt that way - the intense feelings associated w/betrayal.

However, let me say that you CAN heal, better than you ever thought possible! This site is a great source of strength and information to help you along the way.

I hope you take the time to read all the Concepts (link above) which explain the dynamics of an A(ffair). Your W(wife) is showing typical behavior for one involved in an A. What you must do is look INWARD - look to yourself to see what EN's (Emotional Needs) of her you might not have been meeting. This would explain her comment that you "have to take some responsibilitie for your part of this mess" ......You DID NOT make her have A. HOWEVER, you may have created the distance in the M (marriage) which led her to feel inadequate, or lonely or hurt so much so that she was attracted to someone else, and the A became possible. You are right in what you said to her - She made the choice to have an A.

The fact that this "person" she is having A with is a cross-dresser is simply a "twist" in an otherwise already bizarre situation! Don't focus on that fact so much. It changes nothing. He is a cheater, a liar, and he is cheating on HIS W with YOURS!! This is all that matters.

Please read and understand what is happening. IF (I know that's a big IF right now), but IF you wanted to restore your M, it could be possible to do that some time in the future if you begin to follow the Marriage Builders Concepts right now.

Tell us more about your M. How long have you been M'd? Do you have children? All of these things may have an impact on whether or not it would be in your best interest to talk to her or not......to Plan A or not.......

Please take care of you. Please keep posting. Week-ends are slow around here, but there are lots of great folks who can help steer you through this morass. We've all been through it, and we've all been healed (relatively speaking!)

Hi Lauralee, Where do i start?
WW is 44 and OM is 52. Impotent freak, possibly bisexual tooas told to me by his ex wife.
You actually give me hope in some sense thst she might come back, though I doubt it. She filed for divorce and we already have one court appearance done and gone already.
I personally feel i have no chance at all in recovering my marriage from a divorce. There looks like there is no turning back.

In response to your statement number 2, you are right....I did not leave any escape route for her in this relationship. I cut off all contact. She is still living with this other man. At this point i don't even know what to say to her . I could say that I loved her when she left and i will be there if you fall but that is only without that freak you are with.

What do i say?? I mean she left our house...I came home to nothing after working a 12 hour shift, the house was cleaned out. She left me with my stuff only. The hurt and betrayal from that was bad enough, and i don't know if i can ever trust her again. To be honest i think i can do better, but some very small part of me still loves her.

I have NOT told her that she can renew contact only when this A is over and she has cut off all contact with the OM? What if I contact and she laughs at me... i don't even know if she loves me anymore. I don't know what to do.

My family and friends tell me i would be crazy and insane to take her back. I don't know if there is any taking back to be taken on my part...for all i know she could be having this grand life... who knows. Probably not, but who knows.

Hi Lupolady, We were married just a short time, 2.9 years, we have no kids but she had 3 from her first marriage. I was not perfect... i do see somethings that i did wrong to cause her to feel empty inside. I do not even know if it is in my or her best interests to contact her I think she hates me.... I don't know. She did try to keep contact open, but I closed the door. I feel lonely and unsure. What if I initiated contact and she laughed at me like a fool, i mean i treat my dogs better than she treated me when she left. I am unsure. John

Oh and her kids are teen agers, 2 girls 20 and 16 and one son age 15.

I am lost in a way, i feel like I am at a long line in a funeral to view the deceased. I don't know any other way to describe it. John

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

First let me say I am sorry.

Secondly, I am glad you yourself do not have children with this woman as they would be around this creep...

I second the other posters as he is for sure a cross dresser. BTW...many of them are heteros and not bi either...I was a psych minor and took alot of courses on deviant behaviors in college. He does sound rather twisted though.

You are fully justified to feel anger, pain, and all the swirling emotions this kind of betrayal has. And yes, your stbxw will regret this but don't expect an apology or anything else. It will be a sad day when her fog lifts as she's hooked a "real winner".

What woman (and I am being completely ironic here...) wouldn't want a shiftless, twice married twice adulterous, tax evading, pump wearing, undie stealing, uneducated and poor guy to become their life partner? Geez.

You are doing ok by proclaiming a plan B now. Yes, I did the same thing and only initiate contact rarely and only respond to contact if there is issue regarding son or the financial wreck he left me in. It's much easier to remain separate and objective as I have found.

And yes, I believe your stbxw will come around, but you first, AHEAD OF ANYBODY ELSE OR ANYHTHING ELSE, must decide if you'd ever be willing to forgive her and take her back b/c I guarantee she will come running back when fog clears.

Make that decision yourself though. I would proceed ahead with the divorce though. Keep plowing ahead.

And document what was yours/hers since you've not been married that long. You stated she cleaned your home out so I'd be asking in the settlement for the belongings which were mine, which I paid for. Plus since no kids, she needs no alimony. Thus, a clean financial break. Take her name off any joint accounts right now as well. Separate the finances as early as possible. I wish I had done that btw.

Be strong and post here when you get confused or need something. We are here and welcome you. And yea, some of these OP are definitely wierd. You're doing the right thing. Take care of you. Do a plan B to them but do a plan A for yourself right now ok?

Hi justpeachy, I really appreciate your input. I am having problems believing that WW will contact, she seems to act like she knows exactly as she is doing. And the manner in which she left was in such a malicous way, I just don't know. I would just be surprised. I am her second husband and she had no problem giving that all up... I don't know why I would be different. I can't see her coming back....I think she hates me, I will let you know if she does. I could forgive her I suppose but it would be a very difficult thing to do.

I have NOT told her that she cannot contact me unless she gives upp OM. I would be shocked if she did. My mom said that those kids have to be losing respect for her. I am at least one of four men that she has been with since her first divorce. I know the kids know about three of them at least. In the back of there minds they have to be wondering about thier mother.

Oh one other thing... Through some snooping and breaking into email accounts (actually using his password) between myself and his (OM'S) wife, we found out that my wife knows that he is into this cross dressing stuff. I mean even if she knows... you would still consider her to be in a fog right? I mean she is in a fog until the reality of this whole thing hits her right?

I will keep you posted. Thanks so much for everyones input. Please feel free to respond. john