Has anyone out there ever actually stopped their divorce? At what point did it turn around? This OM drama is unbelievable! He lives 1000 miles away and my wife wants a D to "experience" him. Does the fog lift?

Hi- I can certainly relate to your pain. My H filed for divorce so he could pursue his soulmate affair with OW. At the time he filed he had been acting completely cold toward me and it had been 2 mo since I had found out about his affair. He kept telling me our marriage was 'over in his head' and that 'divorce wouldn't harm our kids' and that it would be 'best for me in the long run!" Of course I completely disagreed with all that and learned to tell him so CALMLY and firmly when he would talk like that. I kept telling my H that I was completely against divorce due to my spiritual and moral beliefs and that I would never agree to it and it would be a long difficult process that he would have to pursue. At times this got him really angry but he told me later in recovery that it did make him think and turned him around. The legal process can be dismissed and the rest of the attorney's retainer fee refunded if your W comes out of her fog. Expect her attorney to encourage her to just postpone it though rather than dismiss it to avoid the filing fee if she changes her mind again. Have you read the book "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner-Davis? She has alot of sound strategies for dealing with wives such as yours that she calls 'walk away wives." Her book is good because instead of vague theories it gives you specifics on what to do and say to her to try to give your marriage the best chance to recover.Try your hardest to stay calm and collected and not take her blame and criticisms personally.People in affairs like to make their spouse the 'bad guy' to justify their bad behavior in their mind. Take care- lifeismessy

Thanks! Your story is encouraging. I initially ageeed, but I was in hte hospital at the time recovering from severe depression. The docs actually made my "acceptance" of her intent to divorce a stipulation of my release.

Our families and friends all encourage us to "let it go" the OM is filling her head with promises. I'm glad that standing firm can work. Do you think it helps or hurts that the OM is 1000 miles awy and can only see her once a month (it seems to keep the passion alive)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you think it helps or hurts that the OM is 1000 miles awy and can only see her once a month </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My opinion is that this can make things harder on you initialy but will make it easier in the end for her to break contact.

With him so far away, he gets to put in his Love Bank deposits when he can but is not around all the time for her to experience the LB's that cause the withdraws.

This means that you need to even the odds for yourself. You can make the deposits more often than once a month but you cannot LB!

Your deposits may be smaller but they will add up with time and once you get your deposits built up in her love bank, it will be easier for her to turn her attention away from OM and toward you.

lifeismessy is right about Divorce Remedy. I havn't read it but I read MWD's earlier book Bivorce Busting.

It will be a great resource for you to learn to change your behavior for the better.

I admit that it hasn't stopped my D but W and I have a friendly relationship and she has already asked to put things off for another year. Perhaps to avoid changing her life through D right now or Perhaps she needs another year of Love BAnk deposits from me. I don't know.

WIWH

Dleightonc,

I'm in the exact same boat. WW wants D to get $$ to fund a home with her internet BF. They've met once but are planning another trist together. It is nauseating to read her im's as they house hunt on the web and talk about pools, spas, and "bedrooms". He also lives a few thousand miles away.

I feel for you. I don't know if it will stop before the D happens. How will she ever get over him until she actually has to deal with problems instead of fantasy. Scariest part is I have two kids in the mix.

I don't know if long distance affairs are worse because of the internet etc. Sometimes that can be worse because the "Fantasy" goes on and on. The reality doesn't set in until a lot of damage is done.

Yes it is definitely harder when the OP lives out of town. In my case my H"s OW took a job promotion and moved to a nearby state a few weeks after I found out about their affair.I thought that would help end their emotional attachment. At that point I asked H to move out thinking that he wouldn't be seeing her anymore since she had moved. Well! She came back almost every weekend to see him for about 6 wks and also allowed him to stay in her condo which was up for sale since she had relocated. When the condo sold H suddenly wanted to move home saying he wanted to reconcile- instead he slept on the couch downstairs for weeks and was still phoning OW despite his claiming he wasn't. I consulted an attorney to find out if I could get him removed from our couch since the mood in our home was totally cold and upsetting to me and the kids. He was there in "body only!" and I think his main reasons were that he had nowhere else to stay and he was also concerned that he might not get custody of our kids if he moved out again.( his attorneys advice!)The attorney I consulted told me he could file some paperwork for me to FORCE H to move out of the house and when I told H this at first he was ticked off but it did turn him around. The key to dealing with a situation like this is to set STRONG FIRM boundaries with the WS and yet to do everything you can to NOT allow yourself to get into heated emotional debates with them about divorce, morals, who did what when, etc. Those kind of conversations will lead you to nowhere believe me I know it leads to crying and heartache. If you don't want a divorce tell your WS this and tell them divorce is wrong,you don't agree with it and won't discuss it further. I do think the long distance thing prolongs the fantasy aspect but it won't prevent the crash of reality when light comes underneath the doorway of their life eventually.My pastor advised me to think of my H as "temporarily insane!" and my mom told me to remember that 'someone has to be the grown-up here and right now it is YOU!" Keep you emotions focused on your kids and your own health and well-being and try not to drag them into this mess. I didn't tell my kids any details of their dad's A, I told them he was making bad decisions and needed to move out 'to think things thru" and I took my kids to church activities alot so they could be around good people while we went thru this. Take care- lifeismessy

That's been my big question. Should I tell her my intentions to stonewall the D? She's filed and mediation is in a month. Won't she just plan more drama?

Well, are you putting your own house in order? Physically, spiritually, mentally.

First thing is to contact a PI. Ask for a basic lexus/nexus search on the OM (judgements, liens, criminal record). If PI offers to get a copy of credit report do it.

Explain to your lawyer that you don't want a divorce and want to delay things as long as possible. However, if divorce it be you want a very aggresive lawyer willing to get you everything you want. Don't be afraid to fire your lawyer.

BE AGGRESSIVE. I'm willing to bet that aggression and initiative might get more of a response than laying down and wondering why she's doing this.

L 24:

I have exercised and lost 70 lbs since this drama began for me last June. Since my hospitalization, I'm going to therapy/counseling two hours a week-1 hr. with a therapist, 1hr with a Christian counselor. In addition I've been coached by Johna, DB coach from this site and another counselor coach from Marriage Builders.

I'm reconnecting with friends, hobbies and behaviors that I abandoned years ago. Mostly, I pray and nurture the relationship with our boys. Since I've been on leave for two months, I've had a lot of time to work on self. I've also read DB & DR as well as excellent books like " when your mate Wants Out" "After the Affair" and others. I'm focused on healing! My W, on the other hand, is harried and hurried. I hope my respite gives me the strength I need for the looong haul.

Also I have an agressive L who took my case pro-bono (long story) He's already has info on OM and the means to de-stabilize his employment (He's a Fed who used his privleges to fund & support this A) Don't want to go there but will leave this "reality bomb" in the open for him to deal with. W furious that I can drag this out indefinitely with paying a dime. I in turn, refuse to talk about D or A. I only act in a Loving manner. It's beginning to confuse her.

Thanks!

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Wow, sounds like you've made quite a turnaround.

Is this OM in law enforcement?

There's an awful lot you can do if he is. The question is whether its in your best interest to apply pressure now in hopes of reconciliation or to wait.

If things go bad, you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to keep your family intact. However, your divorce is likely to get messy; her setting up a practice at this time is pretty underhanded.

My story is somewhere on this site and not pretty. I've been divorced going on a year now. I broke my arm last week so I've got lots of time on my hands and have been visiting this site a bit.

Stay the course and see what happens. That doesn't mean you won't have to get ruthless if it comes down to it.

OM works as a emergency management trainer for Homeland Security. Takes him all over the U.S. That's how he could meet my W once a month for almost a year.

I'm hoping my W's aversion to open conflict will be just the shock she needs to change the course of her decision. I know OM is afraid for his job. Frankly, I want him to stay employed right there 1000 from us. But if he gets rattled, I'm not pressed.

bmp