It finally occurred to me this weekend that X had probably been planning to leave for some time before separation, and was likely squirreling money away for it. Since separation, he's been on a major spending binge - and before that, barely gave me any money toward the household expenses.

He tells the girls he's poor (I've written about this before), and they say they don't have many clothes at daddy's.

I picked them up this weekend to see that he's building a patio around their 2 story playhouse, continues to upgrade his landscaping (writing off the expense), and keeps spending money on himself.

I don't understand why he keeps telling the kids he's poor, and why he tried to screw me in the settlement until the very last minute. He forced us to spend a fortune on the D, just to fight, and ended up with less custody than he could've had.

Since separation, he immediately bought a brand new motorcycle, a Suburban, kept the boat, and now has two brand new pickup trucks.

Guys on MB, I know I'm sensitive to the CS issue, and my X pays far less than most on these boards. But can someone explain to me why he continues to "cry poor" to the kids when he's obviously spending alot of money?

He's just not spending on the kids. The girls see this and comment on it. They've said, "we have more clothes at your house than at daddy's" and "you spend money on us". And I'm thrifty, I'm a bargain hunter. It's just frustrating that he still can't do things for the kids.

I know the house and yard are much nicer and this benefits the kids, I just feel he's doing it for him, not for them. They say they can't play with toys and I get the feeling they are uncomfortable in the house.

And he's bringing dates along with the kids. This combined with the gay roommate just sets me off.

I know I need to let go, and my friends tell me I'm still angry about this, but perhaps its the new revelation that just triggers it.

Oh newly-

I really feel for you. It is very hard to hear someone telling you how broke they are and continually see them spending money. My XH does the same thing.

It is also hard to hear your children say how they don't have many clothes, can't play with toys, etc. You are their mother and you want what is best for them so this hurts. You yourself have said many times that your XH isn't the father you would like him to be, yet to see things firsthand makes it more real and harder to accept. Because you do everything for them and give of yourself unselfishly it is very hard to see their other parent seemingly uninterested and so selfish. It also stinks to see him piling up his own toys while paying you less support than you are entitled. I have firsthand experience with this as well.

The gay roomate situation is probably unnerving as well. I don't know where you stand on homosexuality, but I know that although I feel people have a right to their own lifestyles I don't know that I'd want my children exposed to it firsthand.

As for the dating, as a good parent you know that you should not expose your children to anybody you are dating until you are sure that this person will be significant in their lives. To hear that your XH is bringing dates along with the kids must be tough as they have been through enough. I don't know why so many adults see no harm in this, but unfortunately your husband is not alone. My XH brought the OW along with the kids while we were still married. So much of leading a morally acceptable life in front of your kids!

I really feel for you. You have given me so much advice and support and I don't know that I really have any for you other than to give back some that you have given me many times. I know this is upsetting to you. Is there anything that you can do about it? If so, do it. If not, let it go because it is not worth the time or energy spent worrying.

In the end your XH will be the real loser as he will never have the relationship you have with your daughters. You are a good mom who like many of us on this board made a poor choice in the father of her children. That choice is in the past and there is nothing that can be done about it now no matter how irritating his actions may be.

Focus on yourself and your girls. Take a lesson from your XH too and go out and do something nice for yourself too!

Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks ST. Spending as much time with my girls is doing something for myself. I wanted to be a mother and want to nurture them.

He will never be the father I want him to be. And he's a much better father now than he ever was before. However, I still am fearful when they are with him. He just is not as aware, and certainly not emotionally sensitive.

Uggh. There's just been too much interaction lately.

Okay, Naïve!

It stinks. But hey, certain people just do stuff like that. My father has been crying poor for two years now. It’s kind of a joke when you see the photos from his Tuscan vacation, let alone his house.

It’s sad, and it will make you angry off and on. My mother still gets angry!

I hear you on the unaware and emotional unsensitivity. My XH is clueless and having been brought up in an emotionally void household he just isn't the nurturing father I would prefer him to be. In some ways I am lucky to have the OW as she guides his every move, but I worry if things will change as she is pushing to have a baby of "their own." I have visions of Cinderellas stepmother as she is already very controlling and not always nice.

Just remember that you are a nurturing and loving mother and because they are with you more often that will rub off on your girls. They know where they feel loved, comfortable, and safe. You are also allowing them a relationship with their father so they will never feel resentment towards you. You are doing a great job.

Another thing on the money. My XH is always telling my kids that he is broke and can't afford anything, yet he is constantly buying stuff for himself, the OW, his new house, etc. My oldest especially sees right through it and now the next is catching on. Your girls are still young.

In my house the kids come first. It is apparent the minute you walk through the door. At their dad's they are still visitors. They are not allowed to have anything out unless they are directly using it. They have to stay off this, keep out of that. It is just different and they know it. I'm sure that is what your girls are experiencing too.

Go out and do something fun with your girls. You deserve it!

Take care and God bless!
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At their dad's they are still visitors. They are not allowed to have anything out unless they are directly using it. They have to stay off this, keep out of that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SR, this is exactly as they describe it. Of course, X would say I'm a terrible housekeeper and his house is clean - but it's just perspective. And the girls have no friends in the area near him or playdates. It's just frustrating. I wanted to much for my family.

newly-

Are you sure we weren't married to the same man? My XH is constantly telling me I am a horrible housekeeper, my van is a mess, I let the kids control me, but I know better. I much prefer my child friendly environment to their untouchable model home and the kids do too.

It is frustrating though as I too had such high expectations for our family. I just had high expectations and poor judgement.

Take care and God bless!
K

Many of us were married to the same man.
I never said I was a good housekeeper.
I am an educated person, not a housekeeper.
And I live in my house. I don't keep it a showplace for visitors who never come.

I had a party on Friday night, and I cleaned up the house. OK, the party was the excuse to clean up and finally have a housewarming. My friends were amazed I could pull it off after seeing the house the night before.

And me with none of my MB buddies available to attend!

Two trucks? It is a writeoff? Can I assume he is in the construction or landscape business?

Landscape.
And for 1.5 years of separation (he left) he refused to mow the lawn - 3 acres - but ran the business from the property.
And his personal vehicle is registered to the business too.
The man claimed to make a really low salary, and getting him to agree to a higher imputed salary was part of the settlement. He didn't think the garage rent to himself counted as income, nor does he believe his personal use of the vehicle and all maintenance and gas counts. Uggh.

That is too bad. I do not like it when the system is manipulated. Sure, he has business expenses and whatnot but collecting a very small salary,,, sounds fishy to me. Doesn't the state see through that?

State doesn't care. It's up to someone to show the income. And I helped with his books. So I had the last five years tax returns and calculated an income from him, after "reinvestment" in his business. It was over 3 times what he claimed.
I got him to commit to two times his claim.

The worst part is, he really believes that what his income tax shows is what he makes. I don't rely on CS. I am financially stable, and mcuh better off financially without him. He was a drain on my finances.

But as with many on this board, it never ends. All the BS. Yet, his credit was so bad that mommy and daddy had to cosign when he bought me out of the house. Hmmmmm!

Newly, Has he ever been investigated by the IRS?

http://www.bankrate.com/brm/itax/news/20030221a1.asp

newly-

Not only did we marry the same man I think we are the same woman. I too am educated and I do a great job at being both a career woman and mother, but this clean house if for the birds. Not that my house is horrible, it's just not always what I'd like it to be. I too look use parties, etc. as excuses for my big cleaning.

It's lovely how your XH is working the system. For a long time my XH threatened to become self employed to manipulate the child support. Now I see why!

Take care and God bless!
K

SR,
Friends and I have noted another trait. Self-employment. For many people, this is a way to avoid dealing with others (ie. managers). X was horrible at returning customer calls, and at operating profitably.

Now, there are many entrepreneurs who are self-employed. These can be differentiated by the above people because they have goals, make time for a life/family, and don't avoid.

new.y-

You make some very good points here. No matter what he does wrong, anywhere with anything, my XH is never to blame. Self employment in addition to enabling him to manipulate child support, would relieve him of having to deal with many things. However, knowing how irresponsible he is I don't see how he could ever accomplish it.

The more I know of you the more similarities I see in both of us and our XH's. It is a shame we don't live closer. I would have loved to have gone to your get together in May.

One thing I know for sure is that I am so happy to be out, for the most part, of the vicious cycle my XH calls life. I can't imagine riding that roller coaster every day.

How are you doing today. Are you feeling better? Did you do something good for you and the girls?

Take care and God bless!
K

SR, where are you again? I get out of state quite a bit.

I am from Wisconsin.

Take care and God bless!
K

That's my December 17th destination. I'll keep you in mind.

sounds good newly. I would have responded earlier, but my computer is acting up. How's it going? Is your week going better?

Take care and God bless!
K