I am strugling with being the one in this marriage that has to do the filing for the divorce.My husband of 15 years has been abusive every month of every year, won't go to counseling, and when I changed the locks, he closed out bank account.I have waited 4 more months praying he would "wake up" and do the right thing and get help.I feel like I am wasting my life,but I still love him, and am so sad to have to let go.I do have children and I am so angry that he is not trying to save our marriage and deal with his issues.Is it time to let go?

Dear Liliesgrace:

I am sorry for what you are going through. It is particularly difficult when you hope, pray, and work for a miracle that never materializes.

Sometimes with children it is even more difficult to make the kind of decision that will likely benefit you in the future.

Consider what your life is with your husband now, consider what it may be like in one year if nothing changes, and consider the possibilities of a great life one year from now AFTER you make the right decision for you.

This is the only thing that has got me past the hardship and the difficulties of breaking up with a wife who simply stopped caring 2 years ago and who has not wavered even once from her decision to abandon the marriage and seek something else from another man.

Now, after waking up with a bit of a pit in my stomach every morning, admittedly dwelling on the love I lost, I leave the house with a renewed sense of purpose wondering what is in store for me this day.

Life is beginning to look more exciting. Sure, there are resident fears; there are sad hours and days, but there are many more hours and days of anticipation. It is this that really keeps me going, and the conviction that I can look at myself every morning in the mirror knowing I did all I could to save the relationship.

I know you will be at this stage sometime soon too.

God bless,

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by liliesgrace:
<strong> I am strugling with being the one in this marriage that has to do the filing for the divorce.My husband of 15 years has been abusive every month of every year, won't go to counseling, and when I changed the locks, he closed out bank account.I have waited 4 more months praying he would "wake up" and do the right thing and get help.I feel like I am wasting my life,but I still love him, and am so sad to have to let go.I do have children and I am so angry that he is not trying to save our marriage and deal with his issues.Is it time to let go? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

liliesgrace-

I feel for you. I too was in an abusive relationship with my XH. He was an alcoholic who was verbally and sometimes, though rarely, physically abusive. I pondered leaving him for years, but always hung on to the hope that he would see the light and get help for himself, the kids, and I.

In the end he didn't and eventually left me for an OW. I was devastated, but continued praying that he would come back and change. He never did and eventually I filed for divorce. We separatated three and a half years ago and divorced two and a half ago.

The things I learned through the whole grueling process are that you can't change anyone, but yourself. You say your husband won't go to counseling. Are you in individual counseling? Have you looked at the issue of codepency? I loved my husband dearly, but found through the course of things that I was very codependent. It sounds like you are too.

Don't let the fact that you have children let you settle for less than you deserve in marriage and in life. If your husband is abusive seek help for yourself and your children right now. You and your children deserve better than this.

Take care and God bless!
K