Hello,

I need some advice. My wife, who has had a series of affairs ending with this one has finally accepted a marriage proposal last week from one of her suitors. I had hoped she would grow through this phase, but obviously she has not. We have an 11 year old daughter who I had hoped could finish her childhood in an intact family.

Anyway, the man who proposed to her is a high ranking Air Force officer. My bro-in-law was just introduced to him and says the man told him that he had divorced his previous wife for infidelity.

Dilemma, I know my wife isn't coming back. But do I let this poor guy in on my wife's dirty secrets before they get married? What is the appropriate thing to do? I have never met this guy but have heard that he is a standup guy and probably would not accept my wife's improprieties.


Advice?

I say tell him. Wouldn't you want to know? He will most likely take it as sour grapes on your part... but at least you will have forewarned him.

BTW, I'm very sorry for your family. I can't imagine how that is gonna feel. I have a 3 and 4 yo... both boys and the only thing that could get me to take my WW back is the thought of them at least having their fmaily back together. Her getting married again would almost feel like the final nail in the proverbial coffin. I'm very sorry for what your going through.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

Just let him know that he has to wait until her divorce from you is final. Don't be judgmental or come across as vindictive.

Just share the facts, and leave it at that.

Does he even know she is married?

Tony

WMWB is right, the guy deserves to know, though he probably won't believe you.

I'm not sure if I'm serious about this one or not - this is probably just the evil side of me coming out, wishing I had a chance to do a few things like this to my ex....

But you could always make sure some of her other "friends" have the new number where she can be reached.....

Or, just be prepared to give this new guy names of some of the others so he can confirm for himself.

I know my wife isn't coming back.
How do you know this?

My bro-in-law was just introduced to him and says the man told him that he had divorced his previous wife for infidelity.
Your BIL didn't say anything to him about your wife being married still?
Yeah, you need to tell him she is still married and that you don;t want a divorce.
Have either of you ACTUALLY filed yet?

I kinda just assumed that he was calling her his W outta habit... I suppose that is a necessary detail to clear up though, eh!?

So, Are you two still officially married?

And BTW, i wasn't suggesting that you burst this guys bubble in any kind of mean spirited manner... not a move against your wife per se. I was just thinking that if i was in his shoes that i would want to know the true character of the woman I was about to marry. Sort of like a "good guys" sticking together sort of thing...

If you do it... don't be an @sshole about it... just be cool and give him the facts.

You're absolutely right, WMWB. That's why I said it was the evil side of me coming out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But he does deserve to know - if I started seeing someone who was divorced, I would want someone to tell me if his divorce was due to infidelity on his part!

And you can look at it this way - if she has truly changed her ways, and is starting this new relationship out the right way, this guy will already know that she cheated, right? She should want to make it clear that he might hear she did these things, but she has changed, realized it was wrong, and wants to start out honestly with him.

So, maybe you won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know.

John,

I agree with the others--let the man know he's going to have to WAIT to marry her until she's divorced FROM You!!

I mean--he can't legally marry someone who is already married---

Hi I agree john, I think he should know to... just the facts. He might not like it at first, but since he is was your shoes at one time, i think he will appreciate it either way. just the facts though and then let it go... be cool about it. John

Yes, we are still married. She was talking about starting over 4 weeks ago, just before this guy proposed.

My dilemma is this. If I let the guy in on the secret, he will most probably dump my wife. And that will cause a major irritation in our dissolution because she will then want to retaliate. I have a daughter to think of and I don't want to put her through an unnecessary war, and letting him in on the "secret" would definitely bring the situation to Defcon 1.

So are you still in Plan A then? If so.... well, exposing the affair IS part of plan A you know...?!?!?

Look, anything you do to hold her accountable or bring about the end of her affairs will cause a war and retaliation with her... but ask yourself this: what is better for your daughter in thelong run? Expiditing the end of her affair and making reconciliation possible again or letting her continue and watching your marriage and your daughters family dissolve in front of your eyes? I saw the former... fight it all the way. There is no way out of this situation without a whole lot of pain for you and your daughter... and even your WW. Your actions are not the arbiter of this, it is a reallity given where you are as a family at this moment in time. So, fight this with all you've got and don't EVER doubt yourself for doing it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would advise giving her a quicky divorce asap. Let her go marry the other idiot. He will suuuure be s-o-r-r-y! In more ways than one.

You will get rid of "cheating" her and without incurring her wrath. If you make it easy for her to marry him, you might make it easier in the divorce too. You could benefit you and your whole family by getting rid of her in this blessed way!

My dilemma is this. If I let the guy in on the secret, he will most probably dump my wife.
I’m confused? Why is this a dilemma? You mean it’s okay if someone dates your wife while you are still married to her?

And that will cause a major irritation in our dissolution
So you WANT a divorce?