OK so most of you know my exhusband had an affair with the lady next door - who still happens to live next door mind you ... Anyways he has never gone there - still keeps their little relationship from everyone a secret - well that was until Saturday - Saturday evening my 14 year old daughter was outside with like 7 friends when all of a sudden her Dad pulled up to the neighbors yard - and they all saw him because they were in the street - and he had to like drive around them - He didn't even acknowledge her and he just walked in... Now I don't know how long he stayed and I can tell you honestly that I don't care at all... But what I have been receiving from my kids - is basically - they havent' really talked to him that much this year anyways - it has been a rocky two years to say the least - the main problem is him being more of the child than the kids.

Anyways my 14yr. old daughter has seen him once all year - and my 11 yr. old has seen him maybe twice. Of course he showed up at the dance recital but only to make an appearance but didnt' stay until the end and then tried to lie about it... Everytime he calls he is constantly yelling at them about not spending time with him etc... Then my 11 year old daughter said to me - everytime I want to do something with him he is busy - the next door neighbor is the top priority- and everytime I am busy he wants to do something with me and yells at me....because I won't... I have had it out with him a couple of weeks ago - of course he had been drinking - about how I screwed him over in the divorce - blah blah blah - then the next sentence is that I have been happier that I have ever been in the last two years without you ... OK whatever....

Anyways I told him that he needs to form a relationship with the girls maybe take them out to eat once a week - and then after a while the three of them can come to a schedule that suits them all - but you know I just think he wants to make my life and their life a living hell - by calling and telling them - yup you are coming - when they won't - that way he in turn will call me and say that I am keeping them from him.... Unfortunately in our divorce papers it says unlimited access to the kids no set times... He is suppose to pay for 1/2 of all activities which he has not but he has paid a little but now totally refuses - to becuase they won't see him...

So I guess now what I am faced with is that - these poor kids are none to happy that their dad is going out with the lady next door - of course he still hasnt' even told them that it is true.. And now I guess he has decided to just start going over there... My kids are like if they get married we are moving out that day... I guess do I clue him in that him going over there is not helping his cause at all - or is he pretty much done with them and going over there - says well you don't care about me I will do what I want when I want... Now I would love it if he didn't go there but I know I have no control over that - and don't really care except for the fact it bothers my kids - I have so far left it totally alone and not even mentioned it when he called last night looking for my youngest daughter but she was in bed and refused to talk to him...?? Anyone ever deal with stuff like this?

For you to "clue in" your ex, is no different than trying to educate a foggy being. What's the point? It's not worth the energy.

You are NOT responsible for the R between him and his daughters. (I thought that point was well established on here long ago?? LOL).

It's taken a LONG time for the truth to come out... but you will continue to be the better person in it all. Your kids are smart girls... they know what's going on.

Your job is just to be there for YOUR GIRLS as much as you can, IF they need you. Keeping those communication lines open are a good idea; maybe asking them now and then, "How do you feel about daddy being with the OW next door? I'm here to listen anytime you need to talk, or I can help you to find someone else to talk to as well... whatever makes you most comfortable"... or whatever. I'm blubberring in my mind the kind of things I say to my kids (even though they're only 3, 3, and 5. LOL).

Your ex is a sad, sad man. I will pray that one day he will open up his eyes to see the situation that HE has caused, by making the choices he has made. I pity him that he feels he must blame you for the demise in their R... but then again, is that really any surprise, considering he's still in his A with the OW?

Take care,
Karen

Topie - yes we figured that out a long time ago - but it depends on who you talk to that says really how much you should help that father daughter relationship along.. I have spoken to people that haven't talked to their dads their whole life and put a whole new spin on the situation and gets you feeling quite guilty.. I haven't been doing much of anything as far as their relationship goes..and needless to say not much has been going on... but - when he just shows up there - like it is nothing... uggg it drives me mad.... but I haven't said anything at all... And I can only hope that he doesn't move in there...