Hi all, this is my first post. I've been doing a lot of reading and will do some re-reading. My W and I have been back and forth on getting back to gether. We've talked about separating but don't really seem to want to. My question is one about trust and re-giving it to someone who has not really earned it back. I am giving some trust because i know it is neccessary to open the door to recover. My question, can anyone articulate the reasons for complete disclosure by the WS? I have the feeling but can't seem to explain it to WS. She has not yet revealed who she was with or stated much more then "I'm staying away". We have gotten better since I extended the trust, I think she is still staying away, but her still having secrets is nagging at me. Many times I feel she is not telling me to protect -- everyone -- or to keep the opportunity open in case we completely fall apart....Again, how do i explain to her the need to be very honest with each other...<p>Thanks all in advance DRS

You both need marriage counseling immediately.
If she is still in contact with the OM and still having sex with him and putting your health at risk then the chance of recovery is impossible.
The concept of honesty is that she must tell you everything. Her failure to do this for you and her maintaining contact and having sex with the OM
tells you she is not serious about recovery. Ask
her how she would feel if the roles were reversed?
It seems amazing to me that you can give her trust
while she is still "staying away" at times.
I wish you luck because it looks very bad as long
as she maintains contact, refuses to be honest
with you about your questions and continues to put your health at risk.

Thanks, you've restated my thoughts almost completly. I'm working on the Plan A and trying to get her to join in the work. We've both have been to a local MB course, but she was right in the middle of A and all the MB stuff did not sink in. <p>Health risks, by now if anything is to be gotten it has been gotten. Yeah... is OM still roaming elswere, don't know, don't know who OM is.<p>I sense it is painful for WS to talk about it, for all reasons thinkable, good and bad, but I don't let up.<p>How can i articulate to WS the importance of being honest and disclosing all?<p>Thanks DRS

Thanks, you've restated my thoughts almost completly. I'm working on the Plan A and trying to get her to join in the work. We've both have been to a local MB course, but she was right in the middle of A and all the MB stuff did not sink in. <p>Health risks, by now if anything is to be gotten it has been gotten. Yeah... is OM still roaming elswere, don't know, don't know who OM is.<p>I sense it is painful for WS to talk about it, for all reasons thinkable, good and bad, but I don't let up.<p>How can i articulate to WS the importance of being honest and disclosing all?<p>Thanks DRS

My H lied to me for 6 years about his PA with my former best friend. He told our counselor that he promised her he'd never tell. That hurt like ****. She was my former best friend also and his partner's wife. I just found out 8 mos ago. <p>For me, having him read 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com helped him to see what I needed. No more secrets, no more lies. Also, the book Torn Asunder helped. He is still working on it, somewhat reluctantly. He's all 'fixed' cuz he had 6 years while I'm just starting over AGAIN. It's very hard and there are days when I can't stop crying. I don't think the WS is really capable of knowing the full extent of their spouse's pain.<p>I wish you luck. Recovery is so much harder with secrets between you.

Maggierose<p>Thanks for the reference, I will look at it!!<p>Hope your H comes to realize what is really happening, he has someone who thinks he is still worth having...<p>As a BS also I know what your talking about. I have read some of the other posts, and thought the advice about making yourself right first is good. There is sooooo much to dwell on and obsess over.....looking at the past is only good for learning, not dwelling, but the line between the two is not clear. Its different for each. One thing, once you realize your life will go on, and that its up to you to make it as sucessful as you can, the crying seems to taper off (not the sadness though) as you start looking more and more forward...<p>
Talk more after reading articles thanks again...
DRS

Maggierose,<p>Just read the shattered vows article. I remember reading it a while back, far enough back the information had turned into a "sense" of why secrets could but the brakes on recovery. I don't remember how I got there the first time but I'm glad you directed me there. Now I've got some words to help me articulate. Such as the rebuilding of trust comes thru the rebuilding of the intimancy of sharing, caring, protecting, doing what you say you'll do....<p>I have to agree with the article also in that there is probably still contact or W would be more willing or more receptive to telling me everything that went, and is, going on...<p>hope all is going well for your M<p>DRS