my husband told me about a month ago that we were having problems and would I fill out the love busters survey form. Okay with much searching I did that and waited for his one - no, I don't get that to read but he gets mine. It really threw me that he thought we were going so badly - i knew we'd had some disagreements and I'd been moody but I didn't think our relationship was that bad. In the last month I've tried to be less moody, more affectionate, not give him the 3rd degree (one of his complaints), to be a "good" wife. But it's like I'm doing all the giving and not getting anything back. The things that really get me are that it seems to be too much trouble for him to show affection. It's only in the last 3-4 days that he's started ending our phone conversations with "love you", like we used to. It really hurts when all my attempts at cuddling, kissing, loving, etc are rebuffed. For example this morning as he left for work there was just a quick kiss on the cheek and off he went. His excuse "I was already up and out the door". How hard would it have been for a quick hug while he kissed me? We've been together and married 8 years and have 2 kids. Do I just give up on the affection thing or what?

Hi and welcome to the forum! Here is a secret we guys try to keep, I mean beside the one about us all being stupid; we are all cowards too. We do not like to hurt women or get them mad, so we let things go until it becomes too much to hide inside and then we say something like what your H said. Wives think "Oh well, a few bugs to work out, I guess," while what we are really saying is this has gotten really bad and I cannot take much more. That may be why he is not affectionate, the issues inside him are far bigger than he has let on, and he cannot show affection without feeling like a phoney.<p>Speaking as a guy I think the worst thing you could do now is to demand that he tell you everything or explain all the issues to you. We
HATE the 3rd degree. It is a guy thing. But you can invite him to talk over coffee, or whatever is nonthreatening to him. Remember, this time in your relationship is a snapshot, it is not the whole story. If it is not good now that does not mean that it will always be this way. Give it time and give him time and space to feel safe enough to tell you. If you demand analysis or pout or get mad or...he will just close up even more. Listen, then listen more. And be prepared for stuff that will surprise you. We men are jerks like that.

Hi and welcome. I think that many people wind up here that are in pain and miss some of the simple basic steps that are so important. There are two books that you should order without delay. Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley. There are exerpts here and lots of printable files but the reading of the books should not be put off one minute. While I am no expert I found Love Busters the best first book but if you have the other I would read it until the other arives.
PS Both of you need to read. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
May God be with you both.<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: dsimmons78025 ]</p>