Just wondering what other people think. I have a 3.5 & 4.5 year old. Ex/WH moved into an apt. May 1st of this year w/girlfriend which at that time no one had met yet. Me and kids went over to his new apt. so kids would know where dad was living and for me to meet new GF before kids starting going over for visitation. Kind of a big deal because kids were not used to being away overnight from me so we were taking things kind of slow with the visits. Doing day visits for awhile before the overnight. So in 6 weeks the kids have gone over lets just say once a week and have stayed over twice. Do you think that is enough time that my ex-h should be leaving the kids with her or does it matter?

I have a 3.5 & 4.5 year old.
You got preggers & had two kids between d-day and the divorce?

I don't think he should be leaving them with her at all when tey are that young. Perhaps after they have been together for a year.
Also, I don't think they should stay overnight if she is living there.

They are young and she will be a parent figure in their lives & it's just gonna confuse them more when he breaks up with her.

Yes, I wish I had know about something like this (MarriageBuilders) back then. We went to counseling but the most that the counselor said about the affair is asked my husband if I needed to be threathed by their (his and OW)friendship. Oh boy. That should of told me something huh? Surprisingly, the divorce wasn't about the affair. From the affair is snowballed into anything and everthing else that kills a relationship. Buy I held out six years later and 2 kids later waiting for him "see the light". No, he still hasn't seen the light, don't know if he ever will. But I am working on me for myself and my kids. I start Divorce Care tomorrow through a local church. I am excited about that. Anyways, back to the kids. I agree about new people, but I know the clueless father doesn't think that way. What do you suggest? I could try it and see what he says. The kids are already getting very comfortable with her. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing?????

The point really isn't whether they should be with his gf, but that the PURPOSE of them visiting is to be with their father! If he isn't there, then the purpose is not there.

You are the best person to say whether she seems trustworthy with your children...just like any babysitter you would employ. It was smart of you to meet her. I'd have a conversation with her about what you expect in regard to her sitting with your children.

An example would be him scheduling bids for jobs on the day he has the kids. He only has them once a week. I mean unless the person isn't available for a bid any other day than the day he has the kids, then o.k.. But it's like he doesn't even think twice about it. Then the kids get left. I don't think that is right. They are his responsibility and they are supposed to be spending time with their Dad. But I know he doesn't see it that way. He'd say "what's the big deal?" It's a big deal for me because that is how it was with my stepson. He spent more time with me than his Dad. It was like I was his parent when he was at our house. But his mom didn't care. I would even call and tell her that his dad was gone (drinking binges) and she would still be o.k. leaving him with me. Any other mother would be off the phone and over to pick up their child, wouldn't you say? Not her. He's already started. Sunday morning I was supposed to take them at 9:00 and the phone rings, he's on his way to do mark out for a job that he has, just leave the kids, he'll be there an hour later blah, blah blah. I said no that I would take them to church with me and then drop them off. He was o.k. with that. I just don't want it turning into the same situation of his other son. I guess I'll have to be assertive and consistent about what I expect. Do you think I should be concerned about this or am I over-reacting?

It is his time with them. If he can't work out that schedule now, he needs to. I know work is important - but his children are more important. I don't think you should be dropping the children off if he isn't home. I think he needs to come get them. That may force him to be responsible.

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Affairs and kids are incongruent in the first place. But....when as I was, you're stuck in that quagmire, the kids come first.

Usually the WS is in fogville and living rather la vida loca. Kids aren't their top priority..Hormones are.

I believe and this is my opinion only...that children should only meet someone AFTER you are divorced. And very very gently. Although I've been divorced six months now, I have only allowed my son to see the guy I am seeing very briefly. And it was at the greenbelt and my son went bike riding, I was jogging and RR was rollerblading. Very non threatening, short time (less than 1 hour) and not in a manner that would be immoral.

I have a serious problem (AND MOST COURTS DO AS WELL) with having the kids for overnight visitations and the affair partner/former affair partner who is openly the bf or gf by now spending the night. It's damn wrong and immoral in any book.

And no, it's not about the parents' needs. TFS, you're great, but it is about being good PARENTS FIRST. A divorce is extremely traumatic and if you're adult enough to MAKE a baby then you're ADULT ENOUGH to control those hormones and be able to control those hormones when your children are coming to visit you.

That goes vice versa for man and woman who are separated or divorced. Unless you want to warp your kids and be a poor moral example and have them lose respect for you.

Affairs and kids are incongruent in the first place. But....when as I was, you're stuck in that quagmire, the kids come first.

Usually the WS is in fogville and living rather la vida loca. Kids aren't their top priority..Hormones are.

I believe and this is my opinion only...that children should only meet someone AFTER you are divorced. And very very gently. Although I've been divorced six months now, I have only allowed my son to see the guy I am seeing very briefly. And it was at the greenbelt and my son went bike riding, I was jogging and RR was rollerblading. Very non threatening, short time (less than 1 hour) and not in a manner that would be immoral.

I have a serious problem (AND MOST COURTS DO AS WELL) with having the kids for overnight visitations and the affair partner/former affair partner who is openly the bf or gf by now spending the night. It's damn wrong and immoral in any book.

And no, it's not about the parents' needs. TFS, you're great, but it is about being good PARENTS FIRST. A divorce is extremely traumatic and if you're adult enough to MAKE a baby then you're ADULT ENOUGH to control those hormones and be able to control those hormones when your children are coming to visit you.

That goes vice versa for man and woman who are separated or divorced. Unless you want to warp your kids and be a poor moral example and have them lose respect for you.