I know many of us have lived with this, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating. So this might be a vent.

My girls have commented on how nice Daddy’s house is now, and all the work that’s been done on it inside and out. And that it’s much nicer than our house. Bleech!

Now, daddy bought me out of the family home and I’m in a ranch – which the kids don’t like – but I love based on its proximity to civilization and friends. I never felt it was my house anyway, and I couldn’t wait to get out.
But daddy’s been feeding them a line about how he worked so hard to pay for all the nice things they have, and that’s how he’s been able to fix things up. And that’s why he didn’t spend as much time with them before, because he was always working. Bull****!

OK, how do I politely tell my children that this is a lie? I asked them if the house looked as nice when we all lived together, and they said NO. I said I worked too, but I was home at night to take care of them.
So daddy wasn’t spending all his money on fixing up the house, he’s just rewriting history based on his denial. The man refused to care for his own children, and avoided spending any time with them. He rarely – if ever – took them anywhere on his own. And God forbid we went anywhere as a family. I lived the life of a single parent while married, I just had three children, the two little ones and the 17 YO teenager (this is X), who played with the kids only when he wanted, and walked away when he wanted.

I’d like to know what he was doing with all this cash he was earning because I never saw any of it. I paid most of the bills from my earnings. The house was falling apart on the inside, and I was scrambling as much as I could to hold the household together – with no time to spend on painting or repair work. (yes I was enabling) If X did work on the yard, he wouldn’t let the girls near him, they’d bother him. Oldtimers, refer to the 3,000 daffodil bulbs he planted – which GG and I calculated to take about 55 hours to plant, or averaging 2 hours per night, another 25 nights he wasn’t with the family.

I’m frustrated because I came to the realization that he was likely hiding money. I’m more frustrated that he’s making himself out to be this great father. I admit that he’s a better father now than he was when we were together, but come on. He’ll never be the father I wanted for my girls, but it galls me to think that he really believes he is this great dad.
The girls do get it at times. They’ll say things like “you do a lot of things for us” and “you buy us things”. I value my time with my girls, I want them to experience many things, and be exposed to art, and music and dance. I focus my time with them, on them, on our family unit. And try to make our house, our home.

And the X still has the 65lb dog on a 10 foot leash. He can’t be bothered to build the dog run. It’s only been 6 months since he took down her overhead run. Now she’s fat, and gets no exercise, and they don’t take her for walks. Why do I mention this? Because I was just reading a study which correlated a person’s treatment of animals to their propensity for abuse.

I so much want to tell the girls that every night, daddy spent time after work drinking in the garage with the guys, then fell asleep after dinner. That’s the reality. Not his fiction. I wouldn’t do this for the girls sake, but my frustration level is high.

Should I call him to discuss this, or just let it go?

Newly - as annoying as it all is - you have to let it go... And its funny I find that easier to say to someone else - than actually following my own advice most of the time... Your girls are young right now - when they get older they will realize that it doesn't matter whose house is better etc... They will know which parent really took care of them... I go through this crap all of the time and lately I just don't talk to the ex at all - because it doesnt get me anywhere it just gets me upset.. My girls are 11 and 14 and unfortunately they can see their dad for what he is most of the time... And that bothers me - it bothers me that he cannot be the wonderful dad that I think he should be or that deserve... And he cannot be becuase he is self centered - the world would revolve around him and him only.. Now if you called up your ex and said "how can you tell them those lies -" or whatever he is just gonna try to make you think that they aren't lies - that everything he says is the truth... Lets see I think Elan said to me one time - that as long as we say nothing bad about the other parent then that child will grow up respecting us. Now my kids know that their dad and I don't get along - but I always - encourage them to call and talk to them - and mostly they don't want to - but I still remind them because I think it is important to have a relationship..But believe me he is a one man wrecking crew when it comes to his daughters... So I guess what I am trying to say - and actually hope to follow myself is that we have to be the bigger person and just go along with what is being said - so we don't put the kids in the middle.... You know??? Hard and sad but definately true...

let it go - a leopard can't change his spots, and eventually he will go back to being the self centerd man you know.
In the beginning my WH would take younger son to a movie every week - in an effrt to prove that he was still a nice guy in spite of what had happened. At the time younger son even said "I am glad dad moved out, he does more things with me now than he used to." It killed me. I wanted to scream out "he should have done that stuff before!!!" but I didn't - I let it go.
And eventually my ex went back to being the self centered man I know him to be, and he quit taking son to the movies each week. I didn't have to say a word - his actions spoke loud and clear.
Get this - you may have seen my recent thread that I found my ex on Match.com. he actually has the nerve to say in his profile that his ideal woman "can have kids, he doesn't mind if she has kids, as long as she still has plenty of time for him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I hope the women who read that will see right through him - he will not stand for her to ever say "I can't do what you want tonight because my kids need me"
Hang in there. Your kids will see through him eventually.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your kids will see through him eventually. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly, it took me a long time to see that his words and his actions were different. I hope that my children are emotionally smarter than I was!

The way I see it is, so what if the kids think highly of their father? It isn't a bad thing since kids get part of their self esteem by thinking their mother and father are great people. So they don't see his negative side. That's actually a good thing for them. Do you think maybe they build dad up a little because he is the parent they see less of? Or perhaps because they are girls and fathers are oh so important to little girls? Let them have their false image of their dad. It will only be to their benefit. Don't take it like they are putting you down or comparing you two. I'm sure they love you and think equally as highly (or more) of you!!

Talking down about the other parent only harms kids and does nothing positive. Be glad he is trying to be a better father than he was.

Oh newly-

Here's a big hug (( ))! I hear your frustration and feel your pain. My XH is so much like yours except he now has his new OW bride to help maintain his fantasy of being the perfect husband and father.

My XH does so much around his new house that he would never do around here. Actually he would always start it, but never finish as he'd get frustrated or spend the money on alcohol or casinos. There are still unfinished projects that he started and I have been unable to finish and he's been gone for three and a half years.

It is so much easier to give you advice than it is to live it in real life and trust me I live it, but I agree with the others. Let it slide. He knows the truth, but will never admit it. You saw through it and eventually your girls will too. You do so much for them and though it may sometimes seem unnoticed it isn't. They may love you both and be captivated about his nice stuff, but they also know who they can depend on and who they feel safe with.

A wise woman named newly once told me to "Pray or worry, and not to waste my time both." Well, I probably killed your quote, but I hope you get my well intended jist. Trust in God that this will work out, probably not as quickly as you'd like, but it will work out.

Go and do something nice for you and the girls. You deserve it. Also, trust in the fact that you are not alone in this. Unfortunately many of us have made poor choices in regards to husbands and fathers and are now paying the price and we need to stick together and support each other.

You have been my rock many times and have given me so much good advice. Trust in your own wisdom.

Take care and God bless!
K

newly-

I just re-read your post as I was a bit distracted the first time and the following stuck out to me, maybe it is nothing, as I have a tendency to hang on key words, but I'm going to throw it out anyway.

"And that’s why he didn’t spend as much time with them before, because he was always working."

I am stuck on the "before." Does this mean he is intending to spend more time with them now? Is this bothering you?

I know full well how irritating it is to give your heart and soul to your children only to watch their other parent take an interest in them only when it is convenient to them. I also know what it is like to have the other parent waltz in, demand his God given right to more time with them, and reinvent history to achieve it. I am living this nightmare now.

Both of us have sheltered our kids from a lot of emotional baggage because we know it would only hurt them. To see our XH's use this fact to rewrite history and further their relationships with our children is very frustrating. There is a huge part of me that would just love to scream out everything that my XH has done and why I feel it makes him an unfit parent, but I know it would shatter my children and therefore I keep it to myself. The truth will come out eventually my friend. Until then take the high road and let it go.

You once told me to parent out of love not fear. These men are men of words and few actions. Remember your own wise words my friend. Time and truth are on our side.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi newly-

Haven't heard back from you in a while so I am just checking to see how you are doing. I hope things are going better and you are feeling better about them as well.

Take care and God bless!
K

K,
I read your post yesterday and knew you were right. It's just so frustrating. And lately the girls have been comparing the houses and their lives, and it seems they expect so much more from me than from their dad.
I get, "why isn't the blow up pool up?" Well dear, because we went to the community pool on Sat. and the fair on Sunday - we didn't have time.
So, we still want it.
Me: do you have a pool at daddy's?
No.
Me: Does daddy let you play in the sprinker?
No, you took the sprinkler - he doesn't have one.

This crap never ends. Daddy won't mess up his 3 acres to let them play in water, and the man likely has 10 sprinklers for his business. Uggh.

And this morning's fight, we want to go to vacation bible school tonight.
Me: Well it's daddy's night, and I called him to let him know that and it's up to him whether he'll take you. You know he wants to spend time with you.
Again, more disappointment. Uggh. Not a good month so far.

Newly,

You think you're frustrated now, think of how frustrated you would be after calling him.

Who cares about his money, you don't need it, you've said so yourself.

You know that there is nothing wrong with your kids thinking nice things about their father. That doesn't mean that you have to.

They probably go to him telling him about all the good things that you are doing with your house.

For all you know, its his roomate that is getting the stuff done. If your girls like it so much, I wouldn't be surprised if thats the case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK so lets just ignore the frustration and look at the facts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My girls have commented on how nice Daddy’s house is now, and all the work that’s been done on it inside and out </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a nice environment for them when they are with him. You want your children to be in a nice environment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I admit that he’s a better father now than he was when we were together </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is good. He may never be the perfect father like some of us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but "better" is good

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The girls do get it at times. They’ll say things like “you do a lot of things for us” and “you buy us things”. I value my time with my girls, I want them to experience many things, and be exposed to art, and music and dance. I focus my time with them, on them, on our family unit. And try to make our house, our home.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They know this and will always know it. Their father and his house is a place that they go to that is other than their home. They notice things about it and comment to you on them. They aren't comparing his house to their home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I so much want to tell the girls that every night, daddy spent time after work drinking in the garage with the guys, then fell asleep after dinner. That’s the reality. Not his fiction. I wouldn’t do this for the girls sake, but my frustration level is high. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't need any comments on this because you know what is right for them.

If your kids come home from school excited about something, I'm sure you share the excitement with them. I think the best thing for them is for you to do the same when it comes to his house. Be more concerned with sharing what they feel is a good thing rather than get annoyed that they are seeing a shiny wrapper on a stale piece of gum with artificial sweatener

WIWH

WIWH,

You said it much better than I ever could! Totally agree with you.


Newly,

"And lately the girls have been comparing the houses and their lives, and it seems they expect so much more from me than from their dad."

Going through the exact same thing at my house and my son is much older than your girls. He also blames me for the divorce, which hurts my feelings more than I can describe. It's very hard not to make him aware of exactly why his father and I divorced. As time goes by it gets easier though...except the other day, I wanted to blast him with the truth.

Hang in there. I believe with all my heart that our children will see us as great mothers without setting them straight regarding their fathers.

I really have tried to take the high road through all of this, and I know these things come in waves, but it is still frustrating.
I appreciate everyone's comments, and really need the confirmation to keep on the high road. Ughh.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> let it go - a leopard can't change his spots, and eventually he will go back to being the self centered man you know.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just to borrow a quote....this is sooooooooooo true. Just so you know..I went through the very SAME feelings. I learned though that the BEST response was to be happy for the kids. Let them know that you are so happy he's decorated it nicely and that he is spending time with the kids. Let them know that THEY deserve his time and that if he is willing to now really be a father and have a home for him, then you are VERY happy for them all. Believe me.... you can't shine sh*t.....and the polish for the moment rubs off in a hurry.

newly-

You have received even more great feedback and I have taken it all in as I can totally relate and need to take the advice personally.

I really stuck on WIWH's comments about what they say to you about your XH and the things he has done. It canbe very frustrating to hear, but do try to see it for what it is, their excitement. Then try turning things around and imagine how he must feel when they tell him all the things you do for and with them. There is simply no comparison here, you rule girl!

You are right, in the end his true colors will show through. In the meantime hang in there.

Take care and God bless!
K