I had an affair four years ago. It was very messy and ended with my husband threating the OM with a sexual harrassment suit if he ever said a word to me again. The OW was my supervisor. It was not sexual harrassment; it was consentual. But I am forbidden to talk to anyone I used to work with at all, so I don't.<p>Anyway the gossip about the affair/sexual harrassment suit has finally gotten around to the people I see everyday. I do wash at a local laudromat three times a week at the same time each time because my in-laws stop by occassionally to check on me on their way to the market. But now the owner of the laundromat has heard of my affair and I know she despises infidelity because her brother-in-law cheated on her sister and her sister stayed married because of their son, which according to the gossip is the same reason my husband stayed with me. (That is not true by-the-way. When I moved back to this state, I forfieted the right to leave the state with my daughter so I can't return to my home with her if we divoriced.) But I can't explain that to anyone.<p>I have a very hard time dealing with the constant disapproval. The laundromat lady and I were good friends. Now I almost feel like leaving my husband and daughter just to get away from the stares. My husband has forgiven me completely. He laughs at me when I tell him the laundromat lady isn't talking to me. He says he wishes the worst of his problems was that the laundromat lady was giving him the silent treatment. I didn't tell him why she hasn't been talking to me. My husband and I don't discuss the past at all. I came back and I didn't have to. He took me back and he didn't have to. We're even and we let it go.<p>He doesn't have to deal with anyone asking him why his wife doesn't work. All his colleagues wives stay home too. My husband has a high pressure job and is compensated for it. We live however in a low-rent area. Everyone asks me why I don't work,all the time. They think I have forced my husband to support me or I will divorice him and take my daughter away. I don't know how much longer I can take this.<p>My husband doesn't want me to leave. I threated to walk out on him once because he called me lazy. I told him, "I have a college degree. I don't need you. I can afford an apartment and a car on my own." If I left him, he'd have to quit his job because he has no one to take care of our daughter with the extremely long hours that he works. When he refused to get my car fixed, I threatened to get a job. "If you don't like it then divorice me." He fixed my car to keep me at home. So perhaps the gossip is true. He does support me, but that's his desire, not mine. He doesn't trust me to not have an affair at work so it is his discion that I don't work.<p>That doesn't help me deal with the gossip. Sometimes the gossip gets so bad that I've considered killing myself. At least then there won't be any rumors about me holding my daughter hostage. I've got to do something. I can't take much more of this. Any suggestions?

Hi Housewife.
I first want to ask you where I can find the legend to all the abbreviations i.e. OW OM.
Next, I don't think I have enough experience in this area since I myself am not married and actually in the process of getting back with my ex from whom I have a son. I can tell you this though...the last comment you made about killing yourself is not even funny as a joke. What I am learning is that anything can be achieved when you are in love with the other person. If you really love your husband, then that is all that should matter. Everything else "should" fall into place. However, one suggestion I have is moving out of the area since you say it is a low-rent neighbourhood anyway, why not move somewhere else to get away from it all.

I want to see if I understand this correctly.
You had a messy sexual affair putting your
husband's health at risk and humiliating him and
you state the following: "I came back and I
didn't have to. He took me back and he didn't have to. We're even and we let it go". You can't be serious. You humiliate and disrespect your husband by having sex with your boss and you feel it is even because he took you back and you didn't have to allow him
to take you back? Your definition of even is
bizarre.

Oh Dear! We do have some problems. YOU had the affair, your HUSBAND forgave you, you BOTH don't talk about the past, but YOU keep throwing the "D" word in his face.
What you BOTH need to do is sit down somewhere neutral (picnic in a secluded spot so if you yell and scream no one will hear)and talk over the past - how you both are hurting/frustrated/angry/ whatever. If you want a job, explain to him WHY you want the job. If you want to be a stay home mum, explain WHY. If you want a divorce explain WHY.
Just please don't keep throwing divorce ideas at him because it may come back and bite you on the backside. And you don't want that.....do you???
Good Luck

I didn't explain my custody situation. My husband and I were not married when I had the affair. I was an unwed mother living with a man with a drinking problem. When I left him and went home to my parents in my state, I had sole custody. My husband knew about the affair and he asked me to marry him anyway because he wanted his family back. I said I would marry him if he'd quit drinking. He did. I came back. I didn't have to. I gave up my career and my family to move 3000 miles away from my home because I wanted to be his wife. I've demonstrated my devotion to him by this sacrifice. If he had married me in the first place this affair would never have happened. But he wouldn't marry me until some other man entered the picture. If I never had the affair, he would have never bothered to marry me because he didn't have to. <p>But now I am wondering if all this was worth it. I don't really care either way much anymore. I was more respected as a unwed mother with a job than I am as a married, stay-at-home mom. Still, my husband is very kind to me now. He may fuss but he does what I want if I really need him to. I love him. It shouldn't matter what other people around me think but it does, a lot. He'd have a hard time, but I probably should leave him. I like being married but living with people looking at me all the time is just too tough. I never imagined that other people could break up a basically happy marriage. I just can't take this.

Oh my Goodness!!!!!
You love him, he loves you.....and you're going to leave him because of some gossip?????????? Give me a break!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure they would grant you a divorce for that...or at least they shouldn't!!!! Worst case, you do as the other posting said.....MOVE!!!!! or get a backbone!! Never forget you had the affair!!!!!! Your choice, now you live with it in many ways. In your marriage and in the community!!!! Don't think the grass is greener....it's not!!!

I smell some need for counseling here.<p>And, if you have a car which works, why not go to a different laundromat. Do you have to put up with this woman? Unless it is the only laundromat for quite some distance, NO! So, it is convenient for your in-laws to check on you. They drive? Would a few miles added to their trip be that big a difficulty?<p>And perhaps a part-time job might help your self-esteem. There are probably numerous places where you could work that might have hours available that coincide with child's school hours, assuming child is school age.<p>As for feeling that you could kill yourself. Talk to your doctor. It might be that you are clinically depressed. If you are, there are ways to deal with that.

Can you guys move to a new area? Might make things a lot easier...

Hello. I am the boring back to basics guy. You sound like you are what we call "in withdrawl". Please refrain from doing anything rash. This is nowhere near as bad as it looks. Please order two books as soon as possible, Love Busters ( I would read this one first) and His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley. You can order them at this site or amazon.com. After you have STARTED to read these books you will begin to understand how you got here and how to make your relationship better than ever. REALY.
May God be with you both.

housewife....gosh it's like you fell into another nest of vipers over here...I think gossip is a terribly destructive thing and I have been on the wrong end of it several times....when I have done nothing. But none of these gossippers is worth the kind of pain you are suffering. Chere...you know what you have been through and you need to hold your head up and not give a $hit what these people say about you. I know it's really hard...but gossip continues when it gets a reaction....you be extra nice to these people and make their gossip look like the cruel thing it is.