<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Six weeks. That's what it took for my now ex-H and I to get into a fight that quickly degenerated into violence and abuse. I have scratches and bruises on my arms and my face and I have combed chunks of hair from my head. Sadly, he's not in much better shape.

It's obvious what was at play tonight when we met here at my place for supper. We were then going to go to a movie (Farenheit 9/11). But it had been a bad couple of days for both of us. He'd been working on his computer system round the clock. Something is wrong with it. Won't read the hard disk I think. And I've been coming off of a brutal work schedule. I feel spent.

So, it probably wasn't a good time to plan a "date". We both should have known better but we didn't. I guess each thought the other could help, even if it just meant being together.

At supper time, my 13 yr old son asked if he could go to a skateboarding park. It was already near 8 pm so I told him no. He began to whine, and became pouty. I told him two or three times in an even tone of voice that he could not go. At that, my Ex-H got up from the table (he hadn't finished) and retreated to the basement. My son continued to badger me and I sent him to his room til he was thru whining. He complied. I waited a few minutes, cleared up my place setting as did my daughter and then I went downstairs to ask him if he was done his dinner. He said he was, eyes as innocent as a lamb, and I left to clear the table.

I changed my clothes quickly and returned to the basement to ask if he was ready to go to the show. He looked puzzled. I was upset. He was upset.

We drove away and I asked him very calmly and evenly -- delibertately -- what was it about my son that pushed his buttons so badly? "That he abuses you," he said. I began to tell him I was dealing with my son, had dealt with him and then IT happened. Not sure what but it did.

It degenerated with him calling me every ugly name there is and storming out of my (slowly) moving vehicle. I pleaded with him to return ... God, we were right back to where we'd left off three years ago now. I was the same desperate person ... I hated myself. From the street, he continued to yell and scream at me, calling me names ... and I continued to cry, pleading with him to come back to the car. He must have gotten into and out of the car half a dozen times before we reached his house. I told him I didn't feel like going to the movie. I asked if I could come into his apt., he said yes.

Big mistake. I'll spare the gory details but it ended with his upstairs neighbours (and about four of their friends)coming to my rescue when I screamed for help as I tried to get out of the apt. He had my keys and wouldn't give them back. He grabbed me from behind and I fell. As I tried to get up, he grabbed hold of my leg in such a way that I honestly thought he was going to break it.

The men took over and I got out of there. His neighbours invited me to their place to calm down for a bit. The wife had called the police but at my insistence, she told them I didn't want to report anything.

I feel so base. So alone. So hurt. The names he called me. And no, I did not name call. He spit on me, he grabbed me by the hair.

Even before he touched me, in the car en route to his place, what the hell was I thinking? He was so ugly and so incredibly verbally abusive, and all I wanted was to stop it. All I wanted was for it to be over and to have some semblance of a night together?

What the hell is wrong with me? Who puts up with that? Who allows herself/himself to be treated that way?

I do. And it has to end.

Our divorce will be final June 30th, four days before our third anniversary. What a joke!

I really wanted to make it work this time. I read and reread Harley's concepts and they worked for a good while. But what they can't do is contain the rage of a violent person.

I thought I hadn't really given our short marriage a real try. I thought I hadn't grieved my first marriage before I was marrieda second time. When I finally realized that, it seemed I could give my first marriage closure. So I focussed on my second marriage. God, we've been thru a lot. Too much. Way too much.

And I thought or I hoped that with a "real" commitment on my part -- I believe he was always really committed to our marriage -- we could find a way to make it work.

And in six weeks, we returned to that very dark and painful place. We love each other -- but people who love each other don't hurt each other the way we do.

This is all so pathological.

I'm sorry for the drivel but I really needed to post tonight. There is literally one person I could talk to in this whole world and she's not home.

I thank you for your indulgence,
Francis

Francis,

There is no need to be sorry for posting and it's not drivel.

There are other people that you can talk to, we just don't respond as fast as someone on the phone.

I am truly sorry that you had to suffer such an ordeal. I hope you are OK and wish you the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What the hell is wrong with me? Who puts up with that? Who allows herself/himself to be treated that way?

I do. And it has to end.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll tell you who puts up with that! No body does and you don't either. It has ended and you will not accept this type of treatment again.

You will not allow yourself to get into this type of situation again and you will see that there is nothing wrong with you.

There ! I told you. now you need to tell yourself the same thing.


Repeat after me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I will NOT accept this type of treatment again.

I will NOT allow myself to get into this type of situation again and there is nothing wrong with ME .


WIWH

We went through years of abuse, mine nearly all verbal and his increasingly physical. The capstone was his breaking my arm because I was threatening to call the woman with whom he was in fact having an affair.

As I read this, sadly, I see that what we share is an undying commitment to marriage, a sense that by our actions alone we can save our marriage. And it's not true.

A person who thinks that can be controlling. I tried to keep him from having an affair, and it didn't work. He had to make the decision to end it and to work on not abusing me. It was his decision alone.

Here is something I typed up from one of Harley's radio programs: "One of the things you have to understand about domestic violence is that they’re always coming up with an excuse…The real problem is…he is not willing to control his own behavior. And it’s something he can do…He can do it. But if he starts saying, “Well, reason I’m this way is because of this or that or it’s because of what you’ve done or these…You see, as soon as you hear these arguments, from a therapist’s standpoint, you just sit there and say, “Well, you know, he’s probably going to go through another experience of this again before I have a chance to reach him.” What I’ve got to get him to say is, “It’s all my fault. It’s not the fault of my background. It’s not the fault of my genetics. It’s not the fault of my wife. It’s my fault. The person in me that is in control of everything I do. I make the choice to be violent, and that’s why I do it.”

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 07:23 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

I am sending you balloons of a million hugs! My heart goes out to you. I felt every single word, your profound saddness, deep hurt, pain and rejection.

I am sorry for all the suffering and that your partner there decided to choose to unleash his personal wrath vindictive upon.

I can't imagine the overwhelming state of shock and distress you must be in?

You my dearest sweetheart at this time need so much personal care, attention support and nuturing to heal from the terrible cruely and tramamtic impact of this shattering extremely hostile experince.

XH is an extremely dangerous, wicked person who choosen to declare open warfare upon you to brutually batter and assault you. What he is doing and done thus far is wrong and unacceptable.

Obviously, you are the target of his accumulated unresolved baggage.

His problems are very deep, serious, issues which obviously have little to do with you, beyond you, but speaks volumes about his lack character. Only weak and unmanly. He is bully, has the incapacity not to love and has a very, very cold heart.

His gross misconduct and terrible mis-treatment of you is wrong, dishonorable and unacceptable. He is not worthy of you, underserving of your companionship on any level, or time.

I am sorry that you are still in a deep state of bondage to him, that he has taken such advantage of you and reduced the quality of your life.

You are a human being deserving of so much more.

I say this to you from a place of understanding, as my XH behaved in this degrading, debasing manner through out our married life, so I have been there and did all I could to hold him accountable for his misconduct or get him back to a state of normalcy and decency.

I learned though hard way some people are not teachable, coachable, or learn from their mistakes, as my XH has said" he doesn't want to or have to you.

If fact we came here for counceling, and as XH had two prior affairs, I did forgive him, rebuilt the relationship, with a promise if he ever had another affair to let me know I will give a divorce ASAP or I discover another affair I will end our marriage faster than jack lighting. I kept and delivered my promise, and went three strikes your out...

I was begining to suspect an affair, as XH had a serious drinking problem. XH clinging onto me to work the marriage out.

I discovered MB, as I caught him acting very inappropiately with a woman, which triggered my old wounds of his previous affair my negative reaction for which I sought out counceling for my self anger outbursts which upset me.

we had couceling and discovered indeed another affair. XH went through the motions of wanting to work things out, blah, blah. But he had other intentions unknown using the counceling and information to have more affairs.

XH pattern is quite simple use,abuse,discard when done..

Normal people do not behave like this, destroy and ruin lives.

Dealing with his rages, terror, intimadation, etc... what an oppressive way for me to live, it's all I know but glad I am safe for now.

2 yrs ago I spent 3 weeks in a woman shelter because my XH became dangerously psyhcotic.

I know first hand from my own experinces,so well the sleepless nights, agony of the heart, and betrayal, the shock, disbelief, confusion, exhaustion, doubting my owning sanity, was so overwhelming.

Facing the painful truth that person I loved had harborded such deep hatred, relished in hateful things and activities, had such ill intentions towards me. It all hurt so deeply.

Had I known, the matter of parting ways would have been conducted in a heartbeat. How does one have any satisfying relationship type when one chooses to be a dead beat.

Looking back at all, it should have been XH taken away as I don't belive it's right or fair that women and children must have their worlds torn apart or upside down, or pay for what they so deliberately, cruelly do.

These men need to be held accountable as they have lost thier moral moorings, human decency and come to terms with thier own victim hood. They know what is right and wrong?

What I have learned is some people refuse to take personal responibilty for themselves, emotional baggage of childhood or what ever else resentments.

Tragically, perfer to shift thier personal responsibilties onto others.

Sadly, they choose to behave this way, and it is obvious he sees women and children as inferior to himself. Misguided, ignorant and desperately needs to get himself right with God.

Doubtless, only deeply hurting people, emotionally unstable people do such degrading acts of manipulations to hide behind their masks of deep, deep fear,insercuities, guilt and shame.

Pride comes before a fall and oh what a fall there is to come.

What I am concerned about the most is about YOU. What does your support circle network look like?

Have you ever read about post traumatic stress disorder?

Worth checking into as it could well shed more of a perspective for you and provide a sigh of relief that what your XH has been doing to you, is not all in your head, or that you are damaged goods. Although they try to brain washing you in thinking so. Your plight is most serious.

It is they who are weak and so desperately out of control and they are a problem, sadly a danger to themselves and too others.

There is a great deal of information on the web, and could possibly help you understand what's happening to you, as a result of impact of his mis treatment has adversely affected you, prior marriage dissoultion.

The effects of unrelenting chronic stress can contribute to so many health problems and may cause you to doubt yourself, capabilties, keep you further stuck, in harm way.

You must be feeling so bruised, battered, fragile and so terribly alone. I am truly, truly sorry I know it hurts so deeply.

I hope you will have the opportunity to read all the information on the site forself to heal.

There are so many wonderful loving people at this site to help you recover your self respect, and dignity, that has been pounded out of you otherwise to belive and your head filled with programming lies that you are to blame.

Read all the inspiring threads, subjects and soon you will see you are not alone, unworthy, or undeserving.

Perhaps, if you need further soul inspiration, and inspiration. May I suggest a website I found to be so comforting at www. seekgod.com

The amount damage I found done unto me to was simply immeasurable. I am still healing process. I have learned when that many people that haven't experinced domestic warfare, just don't quite understand the impact until it happens to them.

Which I would not wish upon anyone, yet it is a matter that is not taken to seriously or really understood because the problem is so epicademic.


Often is the impression to lay blame on the woman. Saying why does she stay, or teaches people how to treat her, such misunderstanding.

The real responsibilty and issue is "Why" do these types of men abuse? Simply, because they simply can, do and get away with it. Consequently, receive the green light to continue on in such brutish and demeaning fashion.

Scant very little is done about it. A great deal of false programming is modelled to them of what a real man is all about, and how real men behave, resolve conflict. Often these are damaged men who's problems really started at the craddle and modelled what they witnessed growing up, a family climate of disrespect, terror, hostitily.

Power misused and misdirected.

Projecting their pain, hurt, disappointment, tradgies unpon us. Relieving the saddness, but sadly choose not to deal with thier hurts in constructive healthy ways, but rather act out their resentments on those who are weaker, vulnerable.

Society is also full of good, decent, healthy, secure, strong, intelligent, mature men that can love, and do much good to their wives, children, communities, world and for their homes, communities, making the world a much better and safer place.

I admire and respect all the good and wonderful expressions of manhood channeled engeries. I look around and see the wonderful, manifestations, achievements of selfless, goodness and considerations, that has brought comfort, enjoyment, wonder, enrichment, and quality of life.

Men, Women, and Children are of equal humane status.

My heart, concerns and prayers are with you, for you, in your sorrowful hour of need. You are not alone, forsaken or unwanted... the journey has just begin, welcome aboard to a newer and better life and better company of people headed into better horizons quality of life.

I hope that you can take some time off for yourself, to relax, you have been very injured and deeply wounded.

Take care...

Dear Sky Diver,

Thank you for your kind words and gentle concern. You give me hope and strength by your story.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't imagine the overwhelming state of shock and distress you must be in?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, yes, that is it exactly. It had been nearly two years since this kind of violence had erupted. I was nearly convinced that it was a thing of the past and perhaps we could put our relationship back together.

I know now that it will always be "there", just underneath the surface ready to strike again. And to blame me for it. He bears no responsibility. Never will from what I can tell. He is free to chastise me like a child, yell, scream, call me names, lecture me, ignore me, throw my most painful moments back into my face. If I so much as disagree with anything he says, I become a punching bag.

I cannot count, in these last two years, how many times I have sat on the phone while he, on the other end, went on and on about what a heinous person I am.

And I listened. Crying softly when I could, I listened to his hateful words while my heart was breaking a thousand times. This is love? If it is I want no part of it. And yet, even as I say it, I wish to God there was a way to make things work between us. There is not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Obviously, you are the target of his accumulated unresolved baggage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, and in being with him, some very dark place has been unleashed in me as well. I am not the person I am when he becomes an animal. So hateful and full of poison. I too can strike back when pushed to the wall ... but I don't want to be pushed against a wall and the only answer is not to enter the room.

Why do I miss him so?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am sorry that you are still in a deep state of bondage to him, that he has taken such advantage of you and reduced the quality of your life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, once again, your words speak the truth. I do feel in a state of bondage to him but I don't know why. I have lost everything materially in my life with him ... and I have lost my dignity and too often my hope.

I keep thinking I'm in a freefall ... I have been for five years now and there seems to be no end. How far will I fall? How far will I take my children down with me?

I can recall driving thru the less well-heeled parts of town for years, looking at the tiny, rundown houses and babies who walk the streets alone not knowing whre their parents lived. And I recall thinking how fortunate I was to live where I did. How fortunate that my children were not growing up in such a place.

Yet today when I look at those same places, I think we may well end up living there.

No, material matters aren't important anymore, but my ability to function as a person, whole and confident, is important. I can't remember the last time I felt whole and confident.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been there and did all I could to hold him accountable for his misconduct or get him back to a state of normalcy and decency. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I so understand this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I learned though hard way some people are not teachable, coachable, or learn from their mistakes, as my XH has said" he doesn't want to or have to you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I believe now that some people are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. But I have to hold myself to the same accountability. Why do I keep calling him back? Pleading with him? I must find the strength to end this, allow myself to mourn and grieve, and move on. There is no life without that process. But I am so afraid of it. So afraid that i can't do it, or that I will shrivel up and die without him. Yet, I see myself shrivelling up and dying each day that he is in my life. And I see what it does to my children.

I want better for them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sought out counceling for my self anger outbursts which upset me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The irony is that it is we who seek out counselling ... not the one throwing the punch, spitting out the hatred.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Normal people do not behave like this, destroy and ruin lives. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so right. And so strong.

I am glad you are safe now. You give me hope. Thank you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> betrayal, the shock, disbelief, confusion, exhaustion, doubting my owning sanity, was so overwhelming. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, yes, yes. I walk around like a zombie. My mind constantly alert, constantl questioning. I don't know up from down it seems.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What does your support circle network look like?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As of last night, a lot better than it did. I attended my first Women's Support Group. I will write about it in another thread. Before last night though, isolation was my closest companion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you ever read about post traumatic stress disorder? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not really ... at least not for me. I did do a search on "abandonment". I think some of my own issues have to do with abandonment. But I will do some research on PTSD.

Thank you so much for your kindness,

Francis

My Dearest Francis, this is just " FOR YOU" for you today.
Hugs and so much love.... I will get back to you. Am in the middle of a move. Read on, soak this in...oooxxx


Dear Friend,

I just had to send a note to tell you how much I love you and care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were walking with your friends.

I waited all day hoping you would want to talk with me also.

As evening drew near, I gave you a sunset to close your day and a cool breeze to rest you.

And I waited but you never came.

It hurt me, but still I love you because I am your friend.

I saw you fall asleep last night and I longed to touch your brow. So I spilled moonlight on your pillow and your face.

Again, I waited, wanting to rush down so that you could talk.

I have so many gifts for you. But you awakened late the next day and rushed off. My tears were in the rain.

Today you look so sad, so all alone. It makes my heart ache because I understand. My friends let me down and hurt me so many times. But I love you.

Oh, if you would only listen to me. I really love you. I try to tell you in the mountain streams and give the birds love songs to sing.

I clothe you with warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature's scents. My love for you is deeper than the oceans and bigger than the biggest want or need in your heart.

If you only know how much I want to help you. I want you to meet my Father. He wants to help you too, my Father is that way, you know.

Just call me, ask me, talk with me, please, please don't forget me...

I have so much to share with you. But I won't hassle you any further. You are free to call me. But it's up to you.

I'll wait... because I LOVE YOU!

Your friend,

JESUS

Francis, am attaching this along for you, as prolonged grief, and other major heartaches compounded form into the PTSD, CPTSD. You have been through so much. Because you have been so harmed, your body, mind, soul is hurting. When we experince these feelings we certainly doubt our senses... but it's all normal, especially where abuse is taking place.

Please know that I am thinking of you today and your in my prayers. Balloons of hugs....


UNDERSTANDING THE GRIEF PROCESS

Tradegy occurs: Divorce, Death, Significant Loss.

When trauma occurs in our lives, we often experince feelings of shock, denial, and disbelief.

Post-trauma reactions are natural and often predicatable reactions in most of us. These reactions do not indicate fragility; rather they are a natural reaction to an abnormal event.

These reactions are a natural, and although painful, are a normal part of the healing process.

Predicable normal reaction to an abnormal event: Stress symptoms:

EMOTIONAL REACTIONS;

Emotional roller coaster, moods shift, more frequently than before, can be more protective of friends, and family members, feelings different.

Feelings of being overwhelmed,fearful, powerless.

Period of shock, disbelief, emotional numbness, and detachment. Wide spectrum of emotions, difficult for words to describe.

Possible reactions experinced feelings of anger, sleep distrubances, flashbacks, mood disturbances, possible social isolation, anxiety, fear, irriability, frustration, helplessness and intense feelings of grief.

PHYSICAL REACTIONS;

Sleep most often affected, staying a sleep and not feeling rested in the morning. Extreme exhaustion. The mind starts thinking about what happened and the " what if's".

Many can experinces night mares, and vivid flashbacks. Some may feel tired and fatigued others may have extreme activity.

Eating patterns may change, vary, not have an appetite, eat more or usual. Noises can easily startle. Changes in health nausea, upset stomach, diarrehea, headaches, muscle aches, digestive difficulties.

BEHAVIOR REACTIONS:

Thoughts can slow down, taking time off to grieve alone in the after math of a tradegy, is entirely normal while others perfer to be in a supportive enviroment with friends or family.

Everyone, is an expert of their own lives. Each if us may feel and respond differently to the tradegy and choose their own way to say " goodbye".

How one grieves is a unique journey based on past experinces, including cultural, and spiritual beliefs, or relationships with indiviual(s) involved, and the world it self.

Some people experince post trauma delayed reactions, some coming to terms with things and letting go of the anger.

There is no timetable or "right" way to grieve; each of us has the right, to think, feel, and express our grief, regardless of others" think" we should "be".

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

No set answers, as to how long each of us will feel this way, what we can do is be kind to ourselves- rest when we need to , follow a balanced nutritional program, lower our expectations temporarily, rely on the help and support of others, try to accept our limitations, and take things" One Day At A Time".

As we are experts of our own lives, and our own grief, we need to do whatever we can to cope with our pain. We must have confidence taht in time each of us will return to the activities of daily living that we enjoyed before the traumatic incidents of major loss of a loved one.

Time doesn't neccessary heal. Who ever coined this expression "time heals" could possibly never lived through the devastation of a traumatic incident.

Questions will always exist, that may never be simply answered, as well as images and memories as vivid as the day the tragedy occured.

Time, however, will allow us to move through the intense emotional pain of tradegy and time will move us forward in our redefining the loss and move us forward in our search, to make sense of some that, at this moment, doesn't make any sense.

The search for meaning after a traumatic event is a natural and healthy part of the grief journey.

It takes courage, inner strength, the love of a family, and friends and a sense of community to journey through grief into healing.