Dear friends,

Some of you will know me as Francis. That name got gobbled up and I seem unable to login with it.

I feel so fragile right now. All I can think about is my 2nd XH and the bruises on my body which hurt. I'm so tired.

I did a couple of good things today. I called a Women's Shelter and spoke to a crisis c ounselor there. I don't guess I'm in crisis, but I know if this relationship doesn't end, one of us will either die or be imprisoned.

I seem unable to disconnect from him. The crisis worker spoke to me for a long while. That really helped. She also gave me the name and time of a women's abuse support group. I'm going to go .. .there had always been a reason why I wasn't able to go. Now, I can go! She also told me individual counselling is available for free if I needed it. I'll take it one step at a time.

This is a dangerous situation. Please pray for my kids and me. Please God give me the strength to move forward.

Take good care,
Francis

One of the hardest things I ever did was leave an abusive spouse.

I too didn't have the opportunity or time to go to a crisis counselling program -- but there was that day that I finally did. It changed my life around. I remember sitting there and crying because it was like someone was right in my house beside me. Hearing the words from others that were the same as what I was hearing was amazing. I thought I was the only person on earth experiencing those things.

It took months of planning and also healing of myself before I was able to say "ENOUGH" and to leave safely. DO take the time to go to counselling. Keep yourself safe. Get a safety plan together. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she learns that she is a valuable person worthy of respect and kindness and sticks up for herself with safe boundaries....the husbands at that point are afraid because they can't control you anymore -- that is when it becomes violent -- they can't control you, so come hell or highwater they will MAKE you listen to them.

1. Look at the past patterns of abuse for cues to alert you to the occurrence of abuse.
2. Evaluate what ways you have protected yourself in the past. What worked/didn't work.
3. Plan escapes - always know where the exits are; rooms that have doors that lock, a window and phone, ensure that you have hidden keys and have cash/cards hidden.
4. Ensure that children know how to protect themselves (when/how to escape) and told when/how to phone for help.
5. Memorize (and post if safe) emergency phone numbers (police, women's shelter, crisis lines.
--I know one woman who hollowed out a lipstick tube and put her emergency numbers and emergency numbers in it--
6. If in danger, leave the room or go to a shelter, friends family.
7. If you will drive to the shelter, know the address and how to get there (day and night).
8. Get to know your neighbors and develop a support system.
9. Have a pre-arranged signal with neighbors (eg. if they see blinking lights, hear screams call 911)
10. Screen phone calls
11. Discover what you can do to increase your safety when waling to and from places
12. Change routines. Dont' be predictable
13. If possible, let people at work/school knw your situation so they can assit you in keeping safe.
14. Change locks, phone number and address if necessary
15. For phone book, request that your 1st initial of your first name be changed (no charge)
16. Park where it is well lit. Don't let your car get boxed in. Always lock your car.
17. Make sure your windows are secure, blinds cover every window and close blinds at night.
18. Journal - reflect on what coping statements you can use to keep yourself calm & focused.
19. Let the school know who can pick the children up after school
20. Take a self-defense course
21. Post reminds (in safe places) of self-nurturing behaviors you can engage in when stress is increasing
22. Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
23. Consider installing a security system (some shelters can loan alarm systems)
24. IN ADDITION IF LIVING WITH AN ABUSIVE PARTNER:
- store a packed suitcase with a friend or neighbor. Aside from clothes, include: money, toiletries, medications, credit cards, house/car keys, resume, address book, checkbook, if you have children, pack something meaningful for them (eg stuff toys)
- Make photocopies of savings account book date including partner's financial records (if possible), drivers license, birth certificate and or SIN card for all family members, medical records and important financial records (ie rent receipt & car title)
- open a checking/savings account in your own name.

Keep posting..... we are here to help.

Francis,

I agree with Elan--the hardest thing I ever did was leave an abusive spouse. Sadly, it took me years to get strong enough to leave and to see enough value in me to believe I did not deserve to be treated violently. Thankfully, I did learn it!

As I understand it, you are currently separated from your STBX and living in different places...is that correct? One of you has filed for divorce and it is almost final, but for some reason you keep going back to him and getting sucked back into the violence--right?? You whish it would be better, and he promises it will never happen again...and then it happens again.

May I suggest some baby steps? One step you could take TODAY is to care for yourself and your wounds. Go to the doctor if you need to, and if not, just soak in a hot tub and ease your bruises. Be gentle to yourself.

Another step you could take TODAY is to figure out a way to get to that support group. Don't let ANYTHING get in the way! Get a ride. Ask the crisis counselor for a buddy to take you. Write it in your calendar in ink!! Determine in your mind that you are going to go no matter what.

Those are two steps you could do today that would be moving forward. Okay...it's just two steps forward, but it's FORWARD. Give yourself a little credit for moving forward.

One of the reasons it was so hard for me to break free of my abusive exH was that I was just as addicted to him and he was too his rages. I didn't know that. I always thought I would WANT to be peaceful and free, and instead I thought about him all the time, and thought of a million excuses to call him, and kept wanting to maintain contact!! Yep...*I* initiated! And it made me so mad at myself 'cuz I kept thinking, "I know he's bad for me and is going to hurt me! Why do I keep calling him??"

In my support group, I learned that I was just as addicted to him as he was to his raging. Part of it was physical--apparently every 3 days when he abused me, adrenalin was released into my bod because I was scared. Well, my body got used to being super-adrenlanized every 3 days, so when it WASN'T, my body felt tired, bored, and kinda like I wanted something to happen. My Body missed the adrenalin!

Part of it was also mental--in my mind I was used to being screamed at, blamed, put down, judged and criticized, so once I got away from hearing that out loud in my ears--I still heard it in my head! I had to totally reprogram what I heard in my own head!! It went from, "CJ you are so stupid! Can't you do anything right?" to "CJ you are so smart. You can do anything!" I reprogrammed my own head by writing in soap on my bathroom mirror "You are capable. You are smart. You are pretty." so that when I looked at myself, I read those things. I also took a whole pack of Post-It notes and wrote positive stuff about myself and posted them ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

Part of it was also emotional--in that while it was few and far between, he did give crumbs of companionship, sex, financial support, and occasionally care. In other words, yes I got beat but I also got companionship and sex--I got something out of it. I know...I know...sick! But that's the way I had been thinking!! So I had to learn how to seek out companionship from honest people--friends who really cared about me. I depended on MYSELF for financial support. I cared for Myself! And I'm still trying to figure out the sex one, but I'll get there! haha.

In the end, I had to survive withdrawal from him too, and it was hard and it hurt. My heart WANTED TO CALL!!!!, but I controlled my heart and used my head. I waited 15 minutes and told myself, "Well, let's see if I still want to call in 15 minutes." Of course I did, but by then, I started baking something or started a book, and I said, "I'll just finish this and then see I still want to ...." I put myself off for my own greater good.

Then, about one month into it, I felt like I was having a physical crash. I was EXHAUSTED and could barely lift my head--I thought maybe I was sick or something! Nope. It was just that my body was finally adjusting to having no adrenalin. It took a whole MONTH for my body to use up all the extra I had stored up.

Last but not least, I learned how it felt to live without the drama. That is hard too. It felt a little boring and like nothing was happening, and the funny thing was...nothing WAS happening. It was peaceful and dependable and serene. There was steady calm...and in a life of fighting and defending and being afraid, that felt so weird.

Sooo...you are not alone, Francis. You can get through this, and there are folks here and at your support group who can help you. Do your two little steps today, okay??


CJ

Hi Elan,

I just wanted to thank you for your very helpful suggestions ... and most importantly for making me feel less alone. I had no idea you had experienced abuse as well. I'm sorry for what you had to go thru.

It's really good to hear the crisis counselling program was helpful. I've had so much counselling for different reasons over the years but never for this issue. Of course, there was no abuse issues in my first marriage. This one was a lot different.

I should mention that my X and I don't live together. He has his own place across town and I live in a townhouse with my children. I do take care to be cautious at all times. But yes, after an episode like the one on Saturday, all my feelings of safety fly out the window.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hearing the words from others that were the same as what I was hearing was amazing. I thought I was the only person on earth experiencing those things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm feeling so ashamed in all of this -- I know I should have broken off ties a long time ago but some how I always find a reason to talk to him. It is like an addiction. I hope the support group helps in that regard.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Keep posting..... we are here to help.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you!

Take good care, Francis

Dear CJ,

I wanted to thank you for your support in this matter as well. Your words brought me a lot of comfort and belief that I can and must do this -- end this violence.

I had no idea that you were in an abusive relationship either. It is one of the hardest thing to do -- to walk away. Thank goodness we don't have children together. It must be doubly hard when kids are involved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I understand it, you are currently separated from your STBX and living in different places...is that correct? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, that's correct. Our divorce is final tomorrow actually. I filed for it. He opposed it but didn't contest it at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but for some reason you keep going back to him and getting sucked back into the violence--right?? You whish it would be better, and he promises it will never happen again...and then it happens again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, and no. Yes, I keep going back to him, initiating contact even (how sick is that?) but no, he has never apologized, not once. He blames me for everything. He says it's all my fault. In our last fight Saturday, he called me every name you can think of and spat on me ... and for a long time I sat there and listened ... and begged him to just talk to me about things. He got uglier and uglier, telling me he couldn't speak since I wouldn't listen. It was a nightmare.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> just soak in a hot tub and ease your bruises. Be gentle to yourself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds wonderful! It was difficult to work today. My part-time job is very physical and the bruises really got in the way of my work. They are very painful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Another step you could take TODAY is to figure out a way to get to that support group. Don't let ANYTHING get in the way! Determine in your mind that you are going to go no matter what.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I'm going to take your advice on this one too. The meeting is Wednesday between 5:30 and 6:30 pm. My daughter happens to have voice lessons at that time but I told her we'd have to figure something out. She offered to go to class early and wait there (it's in a safe enviornment) and then wait for me to come pick her up. I told her i absolutely had to do this ... she understood and asked why I hadn't done it sooner.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Give yourself a little credit for moving forward. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll try .. but it's difficult when the only thing I can think of is calling him and talking to him. I know if I just ride this out, this compulsion to call him will pass in time. I just have to remain strong. Really strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One of the reasons it was so hard for me to break free of my abusive exH was that I was just as addicted to him and he was too his rages. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was very interesting to me. I didn't know a person could be addicted to this type of thing. My X is also bipolar. He is a recovering alcoholic (12 years sober) and he smokes pot daily. He says he "used" to be violent with women but when it comes to me, he says it all my fault. How can I possibly forgive that and continue to seek him out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I thought about him all the time, and thought of a million excuses to call him, and kept wanting to maintain contact!! Yep...*I* initiated! And it made me so mad at myself 'cuz I kept thinking, "I know he's bad for me and is going to hurt me! Why do I keep calling him??" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh man, can I ever relate to that! I feel as though he's the only person in the world who knows me inside and out. I feel like I'm losing my best friend -- but best friends don't hurt each other. I keep thinking I must be an idiot to continue initiating contact. Even now as I write this, I want so badly to call him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Body missed the adrenalin! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Makes sense.

The mental aspect of the abusive relationship makes sense too. I grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father and depressed mother. I thought I had beat the odds when I married my first husband. He was as different from my father as could be. How was I to know that I hadn't escaped my past -- not yet anyway. I feel like I've lost so much. My life is so screwed up right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of it was also emotional--in that while it was few and far between, he did give crumbs of companionship, sex, financial support, and occasionally care. In other words, yes I got beat but I also got companionship and sex--I got something out of it. I know...I know...sick!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only thing he's not given me is financial support. He is in this country because of me. He has a work visa but has never worked in the four years he's been here. He gets an allowance from his daddy (he's 47 BTW). Daddy doesn't want him back in the U.S. so I guess he's buying his way into Canada.

I do, however, understand the companionship, occasional caring and sex part. It's hard to admit to yourself you're alone in this world. I keep thinking, "if something happens to me in the middle of the night, who would I call?" I have friends I can call -- at least one, if I get really desperate. But I do feel very very alone. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had to learn how to seek out companionship from honest people--friends who really cared about me. I depended on MYSELF for financial support. I cared for Myself! And I'm still trying to figure out the sex one, but I'll get there! haha.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All those things seem like monumental undertakings right now. Yes, I'll admit, I will miss the sex. But not enough to endure more beatings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In the end, I had to survive withdrawal from him too, and it was hard and it hurt. My heart WANTED TO CALL!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was so good to read. It makes me feel less freakish. I have thought of it as withdrawl, in the same way a person suffers withdrawal from an EMA.

I did my two steps today. Thank you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take good care,
Francis

Francis-

I really don't have any wise words as I think Elan and CJ have said everything so well. I just wanted to let you know that you deserve so much better than this. Take care of yourself and take the steps, even if they are baby steps, to end this life of abuse. There is a big wonderful world out there just waiting for you to discover it. Nobody deserves to live in fear or pain.

Take care and God bless!
K

stillreeling,

Thank you for your support. If I recognize my feelings right now, I'd have to say I'm going thru withdrawal. Odd isn't it? That one can go thru withdrawal from violence.

If there is a big wonderful world out there, I've yet to encounter it.

Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot.

Take good c are,
Francis

Francis-

What you are experiencing is not odd, it is normal. You have gotten into a very codependent relationship. You do become addicted to the drama of an abusive relationship.

I myself was married to an alcoholic who was occasionally abusive although generally more verbally than physically. Over the course of our marriage my ways of handling things got so screwed up as I fell into his patterns. Although I didn't realize it when it was happening I too became addicted to the highs and lows. It is a vicious cycle.

When my XH left me I really struggled to break free from my codependency and screwed up way of thinking about and handling things. It wasn't easy, but it is so worth it. When I see him now I see him clearly. He is so manipulative and when that doesn't work he is a big bully, but none of it works on me anymore. I can see that it gets to him. Of course he has remarried and already has someone else caught up in his patterns.

You can get through this. Get the counseling. Surround yourself with people who care, including us. This won't be easy, but the outcome will be so worth it.

Take care of yourself and please keep us posted.

Break the pattern of abuse and begin living the wonderful life you deserve.

Take care and God bless!
K

Francis,

I'm going to keep this short and simple today, okay? It's easier to do when it's simple and focused.

Our steps for the day today are:

1) Go to the support group from 5:30-6:30pm and then come on here and write what you want about it. Confirm that you went. Did you like it? Did you learn something? What did you think? How did it feel?

2) Take a bar of soap and write on your mirror: "I am beautiful and deserve to be loved."

3) Put a note on your refrigerator that says, "I am not responsible for his anger or his choices."

4) Do one gentle thing for yourself today. I myself am lighting a scented candle because I like them. What did you do for yourself? Come back to this thread and tell us about it.

5) DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Do anything you have to do to not contact him!!! Unplug the phone. Give it to your daughter and don't let her give it back to you. Let her dial the phone if you have to call someone else. Wait 15 minutes. Read or write (I personally like to write). DO ANYTHING to avoid contact.


That's it! Let us know how you're doing!


CJ

Just checking...how's everyone doing?

Check out this site. I spent many hours here looking around and reading. Gave me peace of mind that I wasn't alone in my relationship with an abusive spouse.

http://www.drirene.com/theabuser.htm