I just got back form an 8 day vacation with my 2 daughters.
We went to Disneyland with my 10 year olds dance team.
Staying at the same motel with the other parents and dancers gave me a sense of family, it was a great time....but now....again I am all alone, my kids went back to their mom's house today and I feel so empty, empty house, empty me.
You see 15 years ago I moved 2000 miles with my wife so she could live near her family....
Of course now that she dumped me and moved in her boyfriend....I have nobody, nobody but my
kids.
I'm not a hater, but I hate being alone.
I hate what my wife did to me, but I don't hate her. I do hate the man she is with, purly for the fact that I feel he stole my family, or at least contributed to it. I hate the fact that I lost everything, my wife, my kids, my home, my job, my career, my will.
I hate that this man gets to see my kids go to bed and I don't. (at least most of the time)
I hate that my wife made my kids get him Father's
Day gifts.
I hate how my wife was able to move on without missing a beat.
I hate how her family supported her in disposing of me.
I hate the fact that I guess I meant nothing to her, that after 17 years I was so easily replaced.
I hate the fact that I was not allowed to try and save my family. (see restraining order)
I hate the fact that I did not see it coming.
I hate that I did not stand up for myself.
I hate that I gave her everything.
I hate that even though she was the breadwinner, she had the career, she made more than 2 times as much money as I did that I did not ask for alimony.
I hate that I am such an idiot.
I never thought that someone you love and who you married could do this to you, how they could be so cold, so vindictive, just downright mean.
Who is she? Who did she become?
Will I ever know?
Am I faced with being alone and having not having a family anymore?

(((((((((rufustfirefly ))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I'm so sorry for all the "hates" you're looking at right now.

Things will change for you, I promise. No, they'll perhaps never be what you had with your W but you'll not be alone for long.

Hang in there
And take good care,
Francis

rufustfirefly,

I hate when I get caught up in a hate binge. They are real downers and it doesn't take much to trigger them.

The best way I find to pull myself out is to start thinking of things that I used to hate that are gonna change now.

I hated when she would get mad if I didn't take my shoes off at the door. Now I take them off when and where I want too.

I could go on, but theres no need.

WIWH

Rusty.....I've noticed lately that your posts are really down and out. I remember coming here and looking forward to the wisdom in your posts.

Just a thought....are you suffering some depression lately? I mean depression that you need to pay attention to? Perhaps you may want to see your family doctor, or get some counselling in. Sliding back is not a good place to be and can effect so much in your life.

Hang in there! It WILL get better I promise you that. Pay attention to your needs. Nurture yourself. Get out (even if the kids are not there) and do something for yourself. Join a sports team, develop a hobby, find something just for YOU.

These things can happen and will especially when you spend time with your kids and then they are no longer there. Remember that you have to think of the positive in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. Thinking about all the stuff "she" is doing is doing exactly what for you? Focusing on how she's gone on with her life is making you feel what?

Please.... you are a good person who has wonderful qualities. Let those qualities come out again. Work on YOU...focus on YOU and let that inner light shine once again!

I hate the thought that you are going to let her win.... Remember happiness is the best revenge...You deserve to be happy... Your girls still love you.... You will be happy again someday once you let yourself..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rufus T:

I certainly understand how you feel. When my marriage ended, I lost a business that had taken me twelve years of my constant effort and work and thoughts and dreams to build, and I remember thinking, "I spent TWELVE YEARS building this and lost it all in one day! How is that possible?"

Mother Terese said it well: What can take us years to build and be taken in one day--build anyway.

Some of the things you wrote, I'd like to reply to personally:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You see 15 years ago I moved 2000 miles with my wife so she could live near her family....
Of course now that she dumped me and moved in her boyfriend....I have nobody, nobody but my kids.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, almost 20 years ago I moved way out west here with my exH because he is a native out here and was close to his family. When he left I was 1000 miles from all my extended family too...and all I had was my kids too. But I did realize something. I had built a life out here once and I could do it again. I don't hate the area--in fact I love it and love the climate and love the beauty that the Rockies bring to my life. So I changed my way of thinking and decided to build MY life out here: my home decorated my way and with my rules...my kids--I take time out of my life to play with them now...my job/career that is my passion (I'm not supporting his dream anymore--I'm going for MY gusto). I had few friends because my exH was isolating, so I made an effort and got out there and met people. I started with ladies because I needed support not sexual tension! I stuck out my hand and shook people's hands and introduced myself. Now, I know EVERYONE!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not a hater, but I hate being alone.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used to hate that too until I saw something. When I am alone, it's my time to do what I want when I want. Rufus T, what have you always wanted to do? Be a brain surgeon? Own a pedigree dog? Paint your house red? You can do all that when you are alone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate what my wife did to me, but I don't hate her. I do hate the man she is with, purely for the fact that I feel he stole my family, or at least contributed to it. I hate the fact that I lost everything, my wife, my kids, my home, my job, my career, my will.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, I hate what my exH did to me too, and I don't hate him either. I can see that a good portion of WHY he did what he did is due to illness or issues that he won't deal with. I care about him even still. I don't hate the OW either. She had 4 kids and no man in her life to help. She's a human too, and I suspect she did not care if she was breaking up a family to get her own. BUT as much as I hate what he did, I think I am angry at myself just as much. I let him treat me that way. I participated in an environment that hurt me. I did not stand up for myself. I was insecure about ME and the OW was at least more secure in what she was pursuing. I was fine but I FELT insecure, you know??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate that this man gets to see my kids go to bed and I don't. (at least most of the time)
I hate that my wife made my kids get him Father's
Day gifts.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, they will go to great lengths to make it appear to be okay--as if the betrayal was okay because now they are happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So Rufus T, if you want to see your kids go to bed, go for more custody or at least more visitation at your house.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate how my wife was able to move on without missing a beat.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, that hurts, doesn't it? Sadly, WS's have had time--sometimes years--to get used to the idea that they are going, and we BS's have a bomb sort of go off in our face. It's hard to adjust to it, accept it, and move one. So, Rufus T, what are you doing to accept it? What is one step you are doing today to accept that your marriage is over and you are single?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate how her family supported her in disposing of me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That hurt me a lot too. I loved his family, and since we were 1000 miles away from my family, we spent lots of time doing "family" things with them: holidays, birthdays, etc. I loved them and when he left to move in with his OW, his mom covered for him. When he left again, I called his mom, brother and sister and begged them to help me get him some help--told them he was having yet another affair and would not deal with his mental illness--and they just swept it under the rug. If you ignore it, it will go away. And I got swept under the rug too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do not understand why people do not stand up anymore and speak out against affairs and adultery, but they don't. All a person can do is get over it and let it go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate the fact that I was not allowed to try and save my family. (see restraining order)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, this actually pisses me off to some degree, because I have heard over and over again of women using RO's to basically dispose of their H so they can have their A. But it cheapens those of us who really NEEDED a RO because our spouse was abusing us and harming us! I got an RO against my exH because he was doing things that put us in danger.

However, in my RO, there was a two week temporary one, and then a hearing for a permanent one. At the permanent one, my exH got to present his side and I showed documents, evidence, etc. of the violence (police reports etc.). Did you have a hearing for a permanent RO, Rufus T? Did you show your side??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate the fact that I did not see it coming.
I hate that I did not stand up for myself.
I hate that I gave her everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee, I don't mean this mean, but these things were your choice. You could have stood up for yourself but chose not to. How come?? How did you come to the decision to give her everything? Who advised you to give her everything? Where did that conclusion come from? You didn't have to, so when did that seem to make sense to you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I faced with being alone and having not having a family anymore? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay--this was one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. No, I am not faced with being alone and not having a family anymore, but I AM faced with losing the illusion of the family I thought I had. I thought I had the June Cleaver family, and I didn't. I had to give that illusion up and let it go. Actually, I held a funeral for my illusion. I wrote down all my feelings and beliefs about my illusion family (and cried a ton), and then had a funeral. There was a eulogy, a burial, and crying and grief just as if something had died--because it had!!

What I didn't see at the time is that I am not doomed to being alone, and I will have a family as long as I draw breath. I may meet someone and I may not, but I have friends and neighbors and a community both here in the wild west, and here on the web. I have children and I will be their mom as long as I live. My extended family is 1000 miles away, but people I love who love me are RIGHT HERE--and they are my new family.


CJ

rufustfirefly,

I really feel for you and I think we can all relate to having similar feelings from time to time. I myself always seem to feel worse coming down off the high of something wonderful like the great time you just had on your vacation. It makes the lumps of real life a little harder to swallow.

You're entitled to a little pity party, but don't let the hate consume you. It only hurts you in the end. Take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself to help lift your spirits. Things will get better. I promise.

Take care and God bless!
K

Elan....really you looked for wisdom from me?
I think that I am guilty of having more
WISDUMB than WISDOM....
Yes I do get the highs (semi-high), then go right down to the lows quite a bit.

I come here for encouragement, sometimes I don't like what I hear, I guess I just want to hear, Yes someday you'll get your family back together, but I know that is not realistic.

Thank You

Hey Rusty.... KNOW that you are wise and that you do have tidbits of wisdom. You never know how others read your posts and how you help others. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It IS hard to deal with all this crud, but it's not impossible. It's ok to feel bad about it -- after all, if you didn't then I would be questioning you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Sometimes it takes looking back a bit -- and by that I mean re-reading the posts that others have posted to you. Really concentrate on the posts and ask for clarification if you don't understand. There's a message in there for you that you need to hear (even if it's something you don't want to hear).

Take heart my friend...you WILL make it through this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <---- that's the BEST smile I've got...Honestly.... the journey is painful, but when you get to look back, it's just amazing what things you can accomplish!

I sure can relate to your pain. Mine left 3 times and the anger I am feeling is awful. 6 - 9 PM is the worst time for the lonliness. And I hope I soon get over the waking up at 4 am to go and see which house he is waking up at, my mothers or the O/W. But I do know reading others messages and having people answer me has made me much stronger, hopefully strong enough to realize I don't need this crap that he is making me go through. So you take care and I wish you well and will be thinking of you....

rufustfirefly

Yes someday you'll get your family back together and it is not unrealistic to see this.

It just won't be the same type of family you had before.

You will be a different kind of family. You will still be a father and you will still have kids.

This may end up being a better type of family for you.

Try not to look at the negatives of not being able to have what was there, look at the possitive of what is to come in your life with your children.

WIWH

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Your right Laura Lee.

I'm not a person that hates.
I guess I just hate the situation I have been put in.
Sometimes I put myself in the other man's shoes
and think how it must be hard for him to know that he could never be my kid's father.
I even find myself feeling sorry for my ex about how she must compete for my kid's affections.
(not sure if compete is the right term I should use).
I also feel sorry for her if she actually thinks that I am after her or whatever she thinks.
Yes she has caused me a tremendous amount of pain, Yes I probably won't ever get completely over the hurt. But I just wonder why she feels the way she does or if it is just a big act to justify her actions or what she says?
Example....last week at my childs ballgame, I guess I was sitting too close to her?
I was with the other parents about 30 feet from her and her boyfriend, I happened to hear her say to her dad about something about me being too close to her, then she said something about me following her to a fastfood place. Of course I then moved farther away after hearing that.
I couldn't believe it though.
As for the following to a fast-food place, I did not and will never follow her, I have no reason to. But yes I went to a fast-food place after one of the games, I went thru the drive thru, I noticed my kids inside so I waved at them and then promptly took my food home.
We live in a small town, not big anyway (50,000), so yes I think we will run into each other from time to time, but follow her, no way.
On more than one occasion, other parents at my kid's games have come to me to say something about my ex. (many overheard the sitting too close comment, also the following her, they feel there must be something wrong with her).
It hurts me to hear people talk about her, I don't know if she is suffering from some sort of paranoy or dellusions of grandor, or what.
I just wish she would get help.
Or she is just a great actor?

But your right, I don't hate, I guess it is just
the hurt talking.

Thanks

Ironically Rufus, you've described every feeling that I am experiencing. I hate walking into my apt with no sounds, knowing there is nobody coming over. NO sounds, just me. It is the lonliest feeling in the entire world, and I dread those moments.

I lost my home, my h, my kids, my entire life and had to start new. MY h makes 10x what I do and pays me nothing to help me. It's been a bitter fight, I wonder also...how after 14 yrs can he be this same person. So cold, so bitter, and so hateful, and I still have loving feelings for him. I could never hate him as much as he hates me, it's not in my blood to be so manipulative. I know what you are going through, we can get through this. TAke care. Toni