I don't even know where to start THIS post...hah! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He and I spoke. He said:
I miss you
I love you
I made some awful mistakes
I hurt you and I am so sorry
I was a horrible person to you
You were and are a wonderful mother and you were the best thing that happened to me
You put up with way more than anyone else would have

and me? My thoughts? (not words that actually CAME out of my mouth --remember..this is 5 years down the road)
What do you want?
What else are you going to manipulate?
What other way are you going to hurt me now that you think you softened me up?
What bomb are you going to drop next?

What did come out of my mouth was:

You've lied and manipulated me for over 20 years. It's pretty hard for me to believe that what is coming out of your mouth is the truth. One thing I did learn through the years of us being apart is that no matter HOW much I loved you or what I did for you, including giving my everything to you, it would never be enough. I now have peace in my life and wish you much joy, and blessings for yours.

I'm pretty sure the fog only lifted for a moment.... I told him that the only way a person can earn trust is to have a history of showing he can be trustworthy...and to date he hasn't shown any of that.

Weird feelings -- the wanting to hear all of this, but knowing that it's not going to stick. It's the empty promises, but hoping and praying that what he says is true, but knowing from experience that it's all a front for something coming up. Seems every time he's all "nice" a couple of weeks later I get notice to attend court (yep.....this time it will be my 43rd appearance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Thoughts anyone???

Wow five years later huh??? and you were nice - I am still kind of bitter only 3 years into but -- I am waiting for that moment so I can tell him where to go and how to get there.... lol... But you handled it very gracefully - and just take it for what it is a moment of clarity ... a glimpse of who he used to be....And hope you don't get the court stuff..... Wow sometimes we really do get to hear the I screwed up words huh??? I hope you are ok.... And you have found peace and somehow he probably will never.... And go with that.....

Elan,

Funny thing...five years later I occassionally get those moments of clarity too. In 1999, I would have done anything or paid any amount to hear my exH say he was sorry and that he loved me and realized that I was the one in his life who really loved him and stood by him.

Now, five years later, I'm with you. I feel funny hearing them because it seems so hollow. Part of me thinks, "Well, I'm glad for you that you finally see this or finally came to this point in your life". The other part of me thinks, "What do you want now? What are you going to try to do to me and the kids next week?" Cynical I guess.

In my instance, my exH has really not done much soul-searching or changing or growing. It is my observation that he did not think he did anythng wrong before and he doesn't appear to think there's anything wrong with it now. In a way, it's almost a relief how consistent he still is. He's still a sexual addict. He's still bipolar rapid cycling with HUGE rages. He still has other disorders and diseases that he refuses to acknowledge or deal with. So none of that really changes...and in a way I'm thankful for that because now that I'm AWAY from it, I can see it so much more clearly and count it as a blessing that I'm not involved in that way of living anymore.

When my exH tells me, "I miss you" it sort of hurts a little. I wonder "Why now?" but I say out loud, "There are days when I miss you too" because there are. When he says, "I love you" I wonder what he needs, but I say out loud, "You are my kids dad and were once my husband. I will probably always love you to some degree too." When he says "I made some horrible mistakes" I think "you sure did you jerk!" but I say out loud, "We all did." What else can you do?? It's ONE MOMENT of fog-less clarity, and then the fog settles right back in and the old pattern emerges.

I don't know WHAT to do with the weird feelings, but I do know that in my head I just chalk it up to one more attempt to engage in the old pattern: hook us in with promises and say what we want to hear, "forget" to do what was promised, then blame and rage and hurt us. I think it's a cycle that they need somehow, and yet now that we're not there and no longer in the cycle, they have not one to do their cycle dance with. In my head, I just figure it's his attempt to get me to dance that old dance again.


CJ

Elan-

I just wanted to let you know that I think you handled yourseld wonderfully.

I'm only three and a half years into this and often wonder what it would be like to hear those words from my XH, not that they matter to me anymore, but just to hear him say it.

Then again I find myself scrutinizing everything he says and does to me as he is such a manipulator. He claims to want to be friends and then stabs me in the back. Whenever he is really friendly I too wonder what he is planning against me.

I am proud of you and your ability to keep a clear head and stay out of his game.

Take care and God bless!
K

Wow!

Thanks for the input....I think I really needed to hear what you all posted. A bit of a message from each one of you.

God Bless...you are truly a great support!