Sorry to say I get to move over to your board. I have been posting on pregnacy board.

I got an email from H tonight that he has filed.

I just can't believe this is happening. Things seemed to be so much better between us. I feel so numb - I don't even know what to do. I don't want a D, the kids have been wanting there dad home, and now he probably will never come home.

What do I do????????

I can't believe this is the end.

Kris,

(((((Hugs))))) to you sweetie. I wish I had some great advice for you. The best I can tell you is to focus on you and the kids. Your H will do whatever he wants to do regardless of how you try to influence him. I know that's not encouraging... That doesn't mean that someday he might not change his mind and not want a divorce. By that time, you might though. Make sure you get to an attorney and legally protect yourself and your children. Don't allow your love and emotions to stop you from protecting yourself monetarily.

Trust in God. Pray for the strength you need to get through this rough time in your life. Focus on your children. They will keep you sane.

Hi Kris,

I agree with TFS. You have to focus on your kids. They will help you through this, and see that you have to protect them and you.

I believe it's StillReeling that was pregnant when she went through her D. Maybe she will pop in and offer you her kind words. She is helpful.

Take care of yourself, your unborn child, and your children. They need a stable parent.

K

Check out www.rainbows.org to see if there is a program in your area. It's great for kids, and helps them process their emotions through the trauma.

Kris
I'm sorry your H has said he's filing for D. I'm sure it hurt even more beccause you thought things were going better, and also because he told you about the filing via e-mail (because he was too chicken to tell you in person or even by phone call).

Advice for focusing on your children is good. That will help keep you from going crazy. Do you know what the laws are in your state? Once filed, what is the timeline for divorce? It's possible that things are NOT totally over yet. I'm sure you will have another opportunity to talk to your husband. Be thinking about what you might want to say. ALWAYS reiterate that you want to work on your marriage, and that's best for the kids. Do you want to suggest counseling? Obviously he's in a fog, and manipulated by the OW who is pregnant. Is it possible this isn't his child?

Also, where are you in the Plan A or Plan B? Are you trying either one? Could it be time to move from A to B?

And finally, if he is indeed filing, you should contact a lawyer. Doing this does not mean you are wanting a divorce, it means you are looking out for yourself and your children. Keep us posted. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You may want to continue some contact with the pregnancy board in addition to this one; since the OW pregnancy obviously has had an effect on your future.

<small>[ June 29, 2004, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

My apologies Kris.

I so sorry, I didn't realize it was the OW that was carrying the child.

K.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I was feeling really bad last night. More disbelief than anything, because I really felt our relationship was improving. H says it is not about me or kids, its about him not trusting himself, not believing he can be happy. Just another lame excuse.

I wish I was the one pregnant. Maybe things would not have turned out like this. Unfortunately, it is the OW who is pregnant. I have questioned paternity, it happened very quickly into the A. H says OW says that it is his, that she only sleeps with one person at a time - good for her. I still have my doubts, but H trusts OW. OW seemed to be out of the picture, so I thought, I am not so sure of anything at the moment. I really think H is having a hard time dealing with guilt. I have tried to lead him back to God - that is so much what he is missing in his life. For our M to survive, we need to rebuild with God as our foundation. Until H repents and seeks forgiveness from himself and God, then our future is uncertain.

I have not talked to an attorney yet. H mentioned something about having 60 that he could change his mind. Haven't really asked him too many questions yet about D process. I did ask him if he has changed his mind yet. Didn't get too much of a response.

I stopped and talked to our pastor tonight after work. He says he will meet with us Thurs. if H is willing. He didn't sound very hopeful though. Not what I expected from him. He said I have done so much - offered forgiveness, willing to accept OC - and yet H is still not willing to work on M. I really thought he would try to reach out to H - I guess we will see. I truly believe that that is the key to our problems - my H has totally strayed from God and he needs help returning to Him. I know that is a personal choice, but I can't stand the thought of my H continuing down the path he is on. The repercussions later scare me. I love him and I want him to find God again. How can I help?

The day seemed good today. I prayed to God last night that I will have the strength to get through this. I woke up with a great sense of peace. I believe that God is not done with me, my H, or my marriage. I trust that good will come from this situation - even if it does end in D - but I really don't think that it will.

Thanks again for response. I will keep you posted. Please any advice is so welcome. I am still fighting for my M. I would say that I am still plan Aing. Please keep us in your prayers.

Not much happening today.

One other thing I wanted to add that happened last night, I told H that I would not sign or agree to anything until he and we get some counceling. I don't think that that is an unfair request - since he is trying to breakup our family. I was really insistent - probably on the verge of LBing. Was this a mistake? If I force him into counceling, will he just go to appease me and then continue on with D? I hope I didn't make a mistake. He did agree to talk to pastor tomorrow night. But I want more than one night of counceling.

Any other thoughts or advice???

I don't know how it is in your state, but in Iowa, if one person wants counseling before proceeding with divorce, it's mandatory that both go to marriage counseling. You might check with an attorney....it is well worth the fee to spend half an hour just asking questions; and some will consult with you for free.

Thanks for advice. I will check into it.

H can get free counceling at work and has been refusing to give it a try. At this point, that is all I am asking for is a little effort before he ends it all.

Kris,

Going to MC can't hurt. Make sure you do your best to find a good one.

Go see some on your own and check them out. Remember! You are hireing them to work for you. You want them to do the job you want.

Make sure that you find one that is pro-marriage and is not set on fixing the past.

You want a MC that looks at the here and know and what need to be done to make things better going into the future.

That said! I don't think forcing one to go to MC will always be good. But a good MC can spark interest in a person that didn't know they were interested.

If you can get him to agree to see MC without making it mandatory, that would be best.

You may want to suggest that Pastor is a great guy but may not be completely qualified for your particular issues, just to keep the door open.

If pastor leads into seeing MC, try to follow his lead without beeing too pushy.

If H ends up leaving Pastor feeling that seeing a MC is his idea and not yours, you will be much better off.

Good Luck

WIWH