I'm very grateful I finally was led to this board tonight -- God has been leading me to things just at the right time since my nightmare began in January. First a brief narrative:
My wife and I, best friends 4 years in college, married 7-28-1990; immediately moved to North Carolina for her to attend graduate school, to current community in 1996 when she decided not to finish Ph.D., to current home 2000. Two children: daughter born 7-15-1997 (3 weeks after my mother died from massive silent heart attack) and son born 1-18-2002. She had severe postpartum depression in 1997 but refused all treatment, then had a not-quite-affair (emotional not physical) with friend from church in 1998-2000. The friend and his wife moved to Russia as missionaries in 1-2001; we had custody of their oldest daughter till she graduated from high school in 02. My wife was very depressed around that time, then a bit better for a while, then suddenly insistent that we MUST have another child immediately. Another severe depression when he was born in 1-2002 (again she wouldn't get help or medication) and a slow feeling of drifting apart -- I came close to an affair at one point but did not act on the impulse and am so grateful now. Problems compounded by
1) my very dysfunctional family (bipolar father, apparently twice divorced now; no contact since he became especially abusive in 1998 after long history of verbal & emotional abuse)
2) wife was sexually abused as a teenager, by a high school teacher. What do I do for a living? I'm a high school teacher but DON'T abuse my students. She now insists that it was a mutual relationship and means nothing to her
3) her belief that her parents had a "perfect" conflict-free and non-sexual marriage. They recently retired and moved from Texas to Western NC, about 5 hours away from us.
4) probably unresolved trauma on her part from her mother's miscarriage when she was about 3 or 4, and rather distant relationship with stereotypical "absent minded professor" father.

Anyway, she began an affair with another friend from church in late December or early January -- yet another older man for her to take care of (she's 36, his youngest daughter just turned 30) with long history of depression and past suicide attempt. She's convinced he's her soul mate; she respects me as a person but could never love me; our marriage was wrong from the beginning; etc, etc. I've read enough of Dr. Harley's work to recognize the infatuation phase of the affair, but my goodness! She's convinced kids would be fine, etc, etc; also believed for a while that our church (she's the organist) would not take action to fire an employee and member who was having an adulterous relationship with another member! She's now decided that she'll resign her job and go off to be with him so the church can be supportive of me and the kids!

Anyway, what prompted this posting? She admitted the details of the affair in May, after a severe depressive episode with overnight ER visit, and told him (in my presence) that she needed time to work on our marriage; he told her he'd never expect her to choose between him and our kids. She moved back out of the guest bedroom, and we had a few good days (her parents came down to help with the kids), but pretty soon she was seeing him again, rejecting my attempts to meet her ENs, etc. On a family vacation a couple of weeks ago, she told me she WOULD honor our joint counseling appointment, but only so we could "still be friends" and "socialize" when we were both at our daughter's ballet recitals, etc. More of the same tonight -- first counseling session is tomorrow. And of course she moved back to the guest room.

So after a lot of prayer, I told her if, after our session tomorrow, she still has no interest in working on reconciliation, it sounds like she needs to move out, find a place to live, and go on with her life. This is sooner than I had expected a Plan B, but I was ready for it if necessary and was able to say all this without any tears or anger.

So I have a request: your prayers. And a question: is this, in fact, a Plan B indicator.

Thanks in advance,
SurvivingInNC

I think it might be a good indication of Plan B. If you’ve done Plan A to no avail and you’re running out of steam, Plan B is good.

My heart goes out to you. You’ll need to write a letter and express that you love her and want the marriage to work.

Good luck.

Thanks, greengables. At this point, I've verbally expressed to her that if she and OM truly believe they're supposed to be together, I won't stand in their way -- told OM that, too, when he happened to answer the phone today as I was calling to check on his W, who just found out and is hurting bad. OM, in his depression, was asking ME to comfort HIM as so often in the last 6 months, but I told him I'd pray for him but was sure he could see why I couldn't be very comforting under the circumstances. If it wasn't so pathetic, it would be funny!

My W still is very much in the fog and is convinced that he (58, diabetic, chronically depressed) wants to live with her (36, severe postpartum depression but "all better now") and our kids (7 and 2) and get married as soon as a divorce could be final. So I told her that as soon as we can make reasonable custody/visitation arrangements, I'll move out temporarily and let them give it a try. It's pretty obvious that HE doesn't want any such thing; not sure if it will make him break off the A, but it certainly may cause the love-birds to have a little tiff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> -- and I felt better than I have in 6 months.

When you're in pain, read 1 Peter 1 and 2 and let God bring you the comfort of His Love.
In Christ's love, SurvivingInNC

Forgot to mention that she told the counselor (well-regarded but no MB training) that she didn't want to save the marriage because I'm verbally and emotionally abusive to her, just like our friends (now missionaries in Russia) are verbally and emotionally abusive when they yell at their kids! I was still in Plan A then, so was profoundly apologetic for any pain, agreed that abuse is never acceptable, and asked if she felt either of us had ever provoked the other to this sort of behavior -- she admitted we had. Forgot to ask if she remembered the time that SHE hit ME many years ago, though. I've also been told that (1) I must have been sexually abused as a child and am a potential child molester, (2) I'm fundamentally effeminate and undesirable, (3) I have an autism-spectrum disorder, and (4) I'm a wonderful person, but the very qualities that make me a great father make me a bad husband for her -- so I didn't take anything too personally.

SurvivingInNC