I'd love to get some advice regarding my situation. I have been married for three and 1/2 months to a man I have known for six years. I found out I was pregnant in November and we hurriedly married in December. We had been engaged two years earlier and I called it off - because I just about knew it wasn't the right thing to do. My husband is 11 years older than I am. He was born in another country and has been here for over twenty five years. We're both professionals. He runs his own business. He was very assertive in our dating relationship. Everytime we broke up, he'd sweet talk me into getting back with him. I am by no means a pushover, I call it like I see it, and let him know when he's done something that bothers me. <p>
A week before the wedding I had serious doubts, but my pride ( I can't have a baby without a husband) overshadowed those gnawing doubtful feelings. Now we fight about cleaning the house - he says I'm lazy because I believe in a 50/50 division of labor around the house. His business is not doing well and has never really done well. He gets depressed and spends money he doesn't have and we have a baby on the way. I am consulting and working in his office part time, so our finances are not good, right now. I plan to get a full-time job after the baby is born. <p>Did I mention the three other children he has one belligerent, disrespectful 16 year old from a previous marriage and a sweet 9 year old and 12 year old from affairs DURING HIS FIRST MARRIAGE! I know, what was I thinking! <p>We argue a lot and when I try to communicate to him how I feel, I let loose and get really ugly - referring to his cheating past, two children during his marriage, that he should rethink how he is going to take care of his new family and pay child support for his other children, and that he should consider closing down his business and getting a steady income. <p>He doesn't want to hear me (and probably the way I deliver the message). When I completed the marriage builders questionnaire and gave him one to complete, we argued about that. He said I was trying to control him... which is a common statement from him and that I am nagging him. <p>When I asked him about going to counseling, he said he would go, if I pay for it. My finances are low, but I am willing. <p>If he is not willing, I said I would go to counseling and try to see how I can't work this out myself. <p>Last week I moved out of the bedroom, and into the guest bedroom, he was no longer affectionate toward me anyway and often said negative things about my growing pregnant body. <p>I have visions of me and my baby leaving after s/he is born, getting on with our lives without an arguing mom and day. Please advise. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

You probably don't want to hear it but....you knew what he was like before you married him and now, well, you've made your bed so you can either - a lie in it, or b find a new one.
If you are not happy with the way things are, if you have tried to make them better, if he is not willing to try to make things better I have two words for you - GET OUT. Not when the baby is born, but NOW when you still have something of an income that you can use to set you and the baby up. You'll need to put some by to pay for sitters when you head back to work after he/she is born so find an apartment, buy the bare minimum of stuff and save, save, save. Oh and don't tell him where you've gone - then he won't be able to sweet talk you back.<p>God bless and get in touch if you need help.
Patch in Oz

girl, get out. i am 26. i am the mother of a five year old and six year old- and i am very happily divorced. i married at the age of 21 because i was pregnant with my second kid. the brotha' was a bumb. i was in school, even with one kid and pregnant, until i married his insecure, cheating behind (smile). he told me i needed to quit school so that i could work, but then he wasn't even doing his part. and, sweetie, don't talk about when i was at home from just having had the second kid. oh that was all that he needed to make him feel like king of the hill. nothing that i did was right. this idiot would even ask me to fix him a plate of food while i was sleeping- at 1 and 2 o'clock in the morning (of course i wouldn't- hehehe). i mean really, if you are already up then fix your own food. isn't that common sense? apparently not for some people. anyway, girl i could go on and on, but basically i think it is like this: yeah, you messed up, but so did i. i knew better too, but get over it and move on. at least you can have peace with you and your baby. of course he will try to use the child to get at you, but remember don't stress yourself. take it in stride, reach toward god, and enjoy the blessings that he has for you.
and by the way, i did go back to school and get my degree. i will be going back to get a second in the near future. you can do all things if you just put god first.

I dont agree with the unqualified "sneak out and run" advice. Buy "Love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs" by DR Harley. I would read love busters first. It is my feelings that most husbands in his position would co-operate if given a chance to read the book love busters. I feel that he may have something to hide. You make him sound defensive and he has a history of infidelity. While Dr Harley recomends plan A and B only for infidelaty they may be in order even if he aint cheating. But before you do anything else get at least Love Busters and read it when you finish both books you will have worlds more and better understanding of the whole mess.
May God Bless you both.

I am new to this site but feel you and I have some thing in common. I married my husband knowing there were things in his past that were not going to go away but naively I thought would get better. I can't give you advice because I am trying to find my own, I guess this reply is to let you know you aren't alone. It is hard to know when to walk or run. There are those good times when you think maybe things are smoothing out then something happens and you are left asking yourself what was I thinking. We have been married for a year and it already feels like 60. Sometimes I sure wish senility would kick in and make the days go by faster. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Hang in there.

let me recap:
You are:
married four months.
you are pregnant with your first child.
you consult at his in-trouble firm.<p>Questions:
have you finished your education?
If you left, could you go out and get a full time job?
what type of network do you have around you for childcare and emotional support at this time?
Have you read HNHN?<p>
I only have a few comments. It cannot be easy for him to have four mouthes to feed with another on the way. I can understand what stress he must feel.
You haven't said which part of the world he is originally from. This is relevant, if you feel he is still heavily influenced by that home country culture despite the fact that he's lived in your country so long.<p>Many men believe that if the woman is not in fulltime employment outside the home, then the home is HER job. Maybe he is a chauvinist, but maybe he thinks that that should be your responsibility since he is trying to make the business work. I think Dr. Harley calls this 'domestic support'.<p>I am kinda curious, what could he possibly have said to you that made you take him back, after all your misgivings earlier?