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#773756 07/01/04 12:18 AM
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To those of you who have been divorced for some time, do you miss marriage? Do you still have resentment? I have no desire to be with my ex and have experienced a serious relationship since the divorce (going on 4 years), but I still have to try very hard not to resent all the blessings that seem to rain on him and the exOW constantly. I wonder if because I am no longer in a relationship that I feel this way? Anyone have any insight, suggestions, or comments? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

#773757 07/01/04 12:58 AM
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Hi, Tell the Truth!

I do not know why YOU feel what you feel, but I can speak for myself! I sure do understand how you feel. My divorce has only been final for a little over a year, but we were separated a fairly long time before that, and like you I have no desire to be with my ex. I can't honestly say that I miss my old marriage, but I do miss the idea/concept of sharing myself and my life with someone.

Also like you, I have periodically felt some resentment over the "blessings" that seem to rain down on my exH--not so much that he would be blessed, but because it seems like the "bad guy" is getting the "good stuff." (haha--I'm back in second grade!) Okay, I recognize that's a pretty immature view of life, but sometimes I do feel that way. It should be "fair"--plus, since I was the faithful partner, my life should be the blessed one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

For me, I don't think it has to do with being in a relationship or not. It has a lot more to do with the periodic steps of grieving. When I married, I married for life and had lifetime dreams and goals with him...now some of those dreams that *I* worked so hard to support or achieve are being ENJOYED by someone else. In other words, I put in the work thinking I'd get the benefits, and now I'm not! AARRGGHH!! I think it's more like jealousy, huh??

HOWEVER, I'd also have to say that on the occasion when I feel this way, I actually do take an accounting of the perceived "blessings" and see that what I'm really upset about is that he has the money to buy the kids' their shoes this week and I don't...or something silly like that. In real life, he is still lonely and going from one illicit, short-term A to another--and he has lawsuits and things against him--and he has little or no relationship with his children--and his whole house is beige and lifeless! Oh, you get what I mean! Yes, he may APPEAR to have blessings, but when I really think about it, all the stuff that is REALLY IMPORTANT in life, he doesn't have...

...and actually I feel a bit sad for him.


CJ

#773758 07/01/04 06:09 AM
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My H has been gone for over 5 years, and the divorce was final over 3 years ago. Yes, I miss my H, and I miss being married. I love my H, and always will. I hate what his depression and the choices he made and continues to make have done to him, and especially to our children. Although he sees some of them briefly every week for dinner, weeks and weeks go by between his scheduled "biweekly" visitation - last time it was 6 weeks since any of the kids visited him. One of our kids was heartbroken on Father's Day, when all of her friends, even those whose parents were divorced, were with their fathers, and her father couldn't see them because he "had to go to a party" that weekend. This is a man who once told a prospective employer that having enough time to spend with his family was the most important aspect of a job for him.

I would feel sorry for the things he is missing, in spite of the fact that he can afford a comfortable livestyle due to the OW paying for almost everything, but I am not sure that he really minds - he willing traded in one family for another. Yes, I do resent the fact that my children are living just above the poverty level, that we have as many as 7 people sharing one bathroom, that I have to sleep on the couch when everyone is home, that I have to beg for scholarships so they can go on field trips, that I have to drive the children around in an ancient, undependable car while he gets a brand new one, and that the children and I end up with tens of thousands of dollars of college debt while he gets out of paying a penny, and that I am constantly saying "no, I can't afford that" when the kids ask for almost any nonessential item.

#773759 07/01/04 06:25 AM
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Hi Tell The Truth--

I think a lot of us must feel this way.

I know for me, while I have been sep. 1 1/2 yrs, and D 6 mos, that has not been as long as others.
I still feel like there is a huge hole. Not that by any means I want to be with my cheater X, but the idea of my girls having their mother and father togehter.
The idea of a family, and the original family is what I always wanted. Never ever did I see myself Divorced.

For me, I feel shame in it. Even though I didn't do the adultery, I feel ashamed to not be married. I have dated a very nice guy, but I felt much shame. I was careful not to be seen with him as I felt bad about it.

My X on the other hand is so proud of his W. He cheated with her for 2 years out of our marriage, and he displays her proudly!

I have since ended my R with the guy I had met too.
I feel lonely, but I'm not sure I feel like my X has anything greater over me.
I see him and her going right from marriage to living with each other. How great can it really be for them. They each left there families for each other?

The part that really gets me though, is how people that know he cheated can still treat him like they always have.
I have felt betrayed by a couple of friends that they seem to ignore what has happened here.

Just my thoughts. We will be happy again too!
K

#773760 07/01/04 08:10 AM
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I totally relate to how you feel. My XH just married the OW a couple of weeks ago and I have posted a bit about this very subject.

I do get caught up from time to time with feelings of resentment. I do not him or our marriage back, but I do feel that my kids and I were cheated.

I too was the faithful one, he was an alcoholic, I worked my butt off during the marriage to make ends meet and keep things together, while separated to save the marriage, and have been the only consistant reliable parent my kids have ever known.

He has been in jail twice since our divorce yet lives in a bigger house, drives a nicer car, has remarried, is up for a promotion at work, etc., etc. Now he has decided he wants to be the father the kids have always deserved and so he is fighting me for 50/50 custody. Will it ever end?

I think the key is that although we have these periods of resentment not to let them overcome us. I constantly remind myself that my life is so much better without him. When I see him and his new wife they don't seem happy. They are locked in a life that they created. There is little trust and I doubt the grass is as green as they thought it would be. Although my kids love both of their parents, they are secure with me and want to be here. I am blessed!

Remember this too will pass. Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!
K

#773761 07/02/04 04:48 PM
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I have been away for a long time. Your topic caught my eye as I was ready to post a new topic, but wanted to catch up a bit. I too, share the same feelings as you and those that have responded.

I have to think it is only human nature to feel the way we do. I try to include my x-husband in my prayers and pray for his happiness, health, prosperity. It isn't easy and sometime I am resentful when I see him succeeding and actually, he is leaving tomorrow for a tour of Europe Vacation with the woman he is presently involved with(luckily he isn't involved with the woman he left me for).

I do wish him the best. He has suffered for what he has done, and is trying to recover all that he lost (aside from our me and our marriage) All I can do is make a success of myself and not be bitter. I have to admit that I am a bit jealous of his current vacation and relationship-but I have to look to the future and now that there is a plan and a bright future for me (for all of us) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#773762 07/02/04 10:12 PM
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Thanks for all the replies. It sounds like we have some or all of the same feelings about our ex-spouses. I miss being married and feeling like a part of a whole. I don't miss the ex personally at all. I just hate the backlash of divorce for me and especially for my kids.

I do get sick of the judgementalness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> of society about divorce - either you're considered "the easy divorcee'" or "the one who broke up the marriage." I have become a very disallusioned single woman.

It still bothers me that I can be discarded, excuse me, replaced, and through no choice of mine (or consideration for the welfare of my children), I am divorced. Over three years after the fact, I find it hard to believe that this is where I am at this point in my life.

Okay, I'll stop the pity party now. How does one get past it, get over it and accept that this is what life is like now????

#773763 07/07/04 07:56 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How does one get past it, get over it and accept that this is what life is like now???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, I would say, just be strong and try to remind yourself everyday that although this was not your choice this is the way life is now and you either accept it and move on or be miserable for the rest of your life.

I know it's easier said then done but, you just have to decide to move on with your life or it will get the better of you and you'll spend all your time living in the past.

I would just pray for strength everyday and try to see all the good that's coming my way. Try not to focus so much on his blessing and more on the blessing you have.

God is good, he will make sure you have what you need and in the long run your XH will get what he deserves.

I heard a song on a commercial the other day that says, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need." And I thought to myself....that's so true.

Anyway, JMO

Hope you get to feeling better soon.

#773764 07/07/04 01:38 PM
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TTT:

I understand where you are coming from. You mss the idea of being a spouse, of being part of a unit, of being part of a team. You still mourn the loss of your family . . . not necessarily the loss of your particular husband.

I don’t think that there is that much of a stigma attached to being divorced these days . . . my parents divorced in the late 60's . . . I was one of the only kids that I new that had divorced parents. And I certainly felt horrible about it. What sucks the most about divorce is that the kids usually end up poorer and there isn’t a damn thing that you can do about it.

I don’t know how one gets past tragic events: I think that time is the key factor. Lots and lots of time. I’m not much of a movie buff but a line from Stephen King’s Shawshank Redemption has attached itself to my mind; Morgan Freeman’s characters says at one point “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” There really isn’t any middle ground. Which one are you going to choose?

#773765 07/07/04 03:30 PM
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<small>[ August 30, 2004, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>


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