Hello all-
First of all, I am someone's sister, and my sister is confiding in me about her dilemma...
I thought this would be the place to get some good answers and advice, as I am not married...
I knew some married folks could help me with this:
My sister has been married to her high school sweetheart, whom she was very in love with, and felt lucky to have, their whole time together.
She is 28, her husband, too, they have been married since 1998.
Now here is the problem:
My sister tells me (I'm the only one she confides in, because she feels others will judge her) that she is no longer in love with her husband, she feels he is not enough, and she DESPERATELY wants to experience freedom. I should add, she says other men find her attractive and desirable NOW that she has lost 100 pounds...all her life, she had been overweight, and now, men are giving her attention.
It seems as though these feelings of her wanting to experience more life and freedom, esp, happened when she lost the weight.
She emailed me this morning, saying, help, I don't know what to do, I can't shake the feeling of wanting to leave him...she says she desperately wants to have freedom.
I love my sister more than life, and want to give her GOOD advice.
Me, being single, well, I tell her that marriage is a valuable thing, that attention from other men is flattering but certainly not love, but it is not just that...she wants FREEDOM.
They have tried counseling (at a church), and have done so for about 4 months.
Has any other person experienced what my sister is going through?
Did you, through counseling, or some other means, somehow want to get back and stay back in marriage with your spouse?
Should she get separated, feel her freedom...I mean, freedom is nice, but so is a valuable thing like marriage, esp for myself, haha, who is 30, and would love to be married! The grass ain't always greener....
What in the world should I tell her?
She seems to have completely fallen out of love with him, when she had been completely enamoured of him...
Any advice really appreciated....

Sounds just like my EX.....I was with her since she was 16yrs old......I was her second boyfriend and ended up marrying her 5 years later. After a few years of marriage she also wanted out....she said she felt like she missed out on a huge part of her life and that she may have taken a different path if she was able to experience more. We went to counseling.....things got better, we had a child, ant then a couple of years later she wanted out again for the exact same reason. I guess she figured a child would make her want to settle down and love me again. We went to couseling again and she ended up pregnant again.....only to have a few EAs and maybe a SF shortly after our second child was able to walk. To make a long story short......my EX divorced me and is still with the guy she left me for......dude is still married after 2yrs and I am remarried myself. My EX every now and then calls crying and depressed about missing our family. I feel in my heart she knows she messed up and let a good thing go for the grass is greener thing.

Basically I had to let her go......divorce me and let her experience the life she felt she missed out on. The trouble with that is she cant have me back anymore cause Im remarried, and I also would have never been able to feel comfortable with her again. She may have wanted out again 5-10-15 years from now and there is noway I could have gone thru that again.

I hope my story helps and you can relay it to your sister and let her know from me......someone who has been there........the grass is NOT greener.

StartinOver-
Thank you for your reply, and sharing your story...
My advice to her was to try marriage counseling for a specified amount of time, and then if she STILL feels the same, try separation, and then, if she still feels like it, divorce.
Not being married, I am trying to give her rational advice.
My thinking is if she truly tries and concentrates on her marriage for a year, and still no change in feeling, then is the time for divorce or separation.
I guess I just can't understand how you fall "out" of love...but that is what she is saying.
Also, with her losing weight and getting attention from other men...this is when it started.
But he loved her when she was overweight...I should tell her that...

Ask her WHY she "wants her freedom.

Chris-CA123:
Thanks...I'll ask her why she wants her freedom...for some reason I had not thought of asking this...

By that I mean, what event made her realize she needed "freedom"?
Why now and not a year ago?
Also, why does she feel trapped and not have freedom?

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Why not direct your sister to this site? There are plenty of excellent articles on the main part of the board.

She can remain completely anonymous (obviously) and post here in the discussion forums. That way she can personally interact with all the collective wisdom here. You can continue with your name if you want, too.

It just might help if everything was direct to/from her, without an intermediary, no matter how concerned they are (JMHO).

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Chris-CA123:
I asked her last night why she wanted freedom. She said it was mostly for "shallow" reasons...I can't believe she said this...she said she has never known what it's like to be on her own, and she admitted she wanted to date other men...she also said that she wanted passionate sex, to be attracted again, in love again.
I told her this was all understandable, but that those things may be exciting, but good sex, attractive men and passion is NOT necessarily something truly valuable...but I suppose I can understand...everyone wants to "feel" in love.
ChrisCA123, you asked why she felt this way now and not a year ago...well, to be very honest, when she lost 100 pounds and other men found her attractive, that's when.
I personally think she is going through something she NEVER has...that every woman should go through..that is, being attractive to men. ALL her life she was overweight, and only in the past 6-8 mo has she been thin, for the FIRST TIME in her life. I think the attention from men is clouding her brain...I am not kidding. She's like a kid in a candy store...She is acting like she is 14 years old.
And I told her straight out last night that she is mistaking something for something else. I told her she was going through a phase, that she wanted something she never had experienced before, and that she was mistaking THIS for being unhappy in her marriage.
She wants the experience of dating other men!
I told her she needs to go to a licensed, degreed doctor for counseling, and put her energies in that, and DON'T think nor look nor entertain thoughts of other men. I told her if you get separated, THEN do that, but DON'T jeopordize (sp?) your marriage by having sex with them.
I suppose I think she needs to experience FREEDOM in a safe way, w/o ruining or leaving her marriage.
Avalon25-
Yes, I do believe I will tell her about this site...I saw many things that related to her marriage. Me not being married, I can't understand a lot of her issues. But I love her dearly, and want her to be ok.
Thanks all for the advice and listening....

Has your sister thought about the fact that her husband has been with her this long also, and that with the seperation he may start to enjoy freedom himself. Is she willing to play jeopardy with her marriage? I have seen this type of situation totally backfire before. She better think long and hard before she makes a bad decision.

she said she has never known what it's like to be on her own, and she admitted she wanted to date other men...she also said that she wanted passionate sex, to be attracted again, in love again.
I’d bet there is someone in particular she has in mind and probably already started in at least the beginning of an emotional affair.

I think the attention from men is clouding her brain.
She wants the experience of dating other men
Again, I’d bet there is someone in particular who is helping with the “clouding”.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> she said she has never known what it's like to be on her own, and she admitted she wanted to date other men...she also said that she wanted passionate sex, to be attracted again, in love again.
I’d bet there is someone in particular she has in mind and probably already started in at least the beginning of an emotional affair.

I think the attention from men is clouding her brain.
She wants the experience of dating other men
Again, I’d bet there is someone in particular who is helping with the “clouding”. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">x2