During the last 7 months my husband has changed. He has no interest in his children, only to get angry at their behavior (girl 11/boy 10. Both of us seem to enjoy sex (making love), but due to his trick work schedule often fight. We don't get to spend much time with each other. When we are home together he is either on the phone with his friends/family or on the computer playing games. When asked if everything is ok he says "he doesn't know what is wrong, everything is ok with us. Don't worry - maybe I am just going through a change". How can someone not worry after hearing that. Also, he began playing card games on the internet and instant messaging friends from work as well as meeting girl "friends" at this site. The instant messaging issue came to a head a couple weeks ago and he removed the girls contacts from his buddies list. Again, says don't worry nothing is going on. Ok I understand that just about everyone goes through this, but I am not sure how much more I can take. I love him and need him, both for me and for the kids. I just don't know where to turn. How can I get through this with my sanity attached?

I don't know too much about men's midlife crisis. However, I would look into a good marriage counselor. He may be heading for a midlife crisis or already in one. If you are not on your toes there is going to me someone else he turns to. Take it from someone with a WS at the age of 40. Looking back, I have 20/20 vision. For example, the looking at emails and suddenly changing the page when you are near. Not giving you his email password. The unschedule time that you can't find him. If he is suppose to be somewhere and he is not. If he is suppose to get off work at a certain time and needs to work late all the time. Be prepared. Start talking now. Push if you have to. Take a break from the family. Go on a trip with just the two of you. Ask him to lunch on a friday and end up in a hotel. Spend time just the two of you. Make a pack that after 8:30 p.m. to 10:00 p.m., it is couple time. No computer, no TV, just you and he. And find somone to talk to. If he won't go, you go. Ask them questions. Find out how to bring the problem out into the open. To me his behavior is a warning. And, it may already be too late. While he is still with you, get help fast. You didn't say whether you were new or not. If you are new, please read the love busting concepts and letters. They are close to home and may give you some ideas.

I agree with the first post but think that you should order "love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs" by Dr Harley and read them both. I would do the counceling imediately but read (LB first) these books, they will give you a lot of valuable insite into many possible issues. Also getting him to read them will help him understand what is going on and should incourage co-operation.
May God be with you both.

Unfortunately, I went through this exact same thing. My wife was playing card games on the internet and Instant Messaging "friends" and so on. I didn't think anything about it since I, too, played on the computer (though didn't do the IM thing).<p>Anyway, after a coupla months I knew something was up and asked her about it. She told me she had met someone (in another State!), was in love with him, and wanted a divorce. This was a year and a half ago and since then, she's moved up there, married the guy, divorced me, and left her whole family.<p>That's not to say that's what's going on in your case, but I am here to tell you that it DOES happen. Luckily, I've met someone else and am happy, but it was hell for a year. So, DON'T let this slide!!!<p>Good luck!

Hi, I can totally relate to what you are going thru. About 3 weeks ago, I found out my husband had been going into chat rooms and meeting other women. He had also added one to his MSN im account, which I discovered when I went to his workplace and found him chatting to her late at night! Of course, he denied it was any big deal. So I found out her email address and ended up iming her on MSN. She didn't know he was married because that's what he told her. They both had also started "caring alot" about each other. However, she was a decent enough person to realize what kind of a man he was so she ended all contact with him. But he still tried to talk me into letting him just talk to her "as friends" (yeah right). I ended up putting a tracking device on his computer to monitor everything he did...which was how I found out about at least 2 other women he had been chatting to and emailing. He even signed one email with "love". And he still expected me to believe this was all just entertainment and all innocent. However, I don't believe it. He crossed the entertainment line I believe when he started giving out his personal phone number and personal email and took the relationships out of the chatrooms and into his personal life. Right now he has swore (for about the 3rd time in two weeks) that he will not get into chat rooms again or contact any of these women. I still do not trust him, and it will be a long time before I feel I can again. <p>All this was a complete shock to me. I would have swore on my life that he would never do anything at all like this. That's what is making this all so hard to deal with because everything I could count on with him has fell thru.<p>So I definitely would not ignore all of the warning signs that you have gotten from your husband. Some of the signs that I had gotten were constantly working extremely late every night, wasn't as affectionate, moody, and also would not tell me any of his passwords. When I would go to check out his history file on his computer he would get extremely angry and defensive. I told him that if he had nothing to hide then he wouldn't act like that...obviously he had ALOT to hide. Just because it was never a "physical affair" doesn't mean it was not an affair. He was disrespectful, disceitful and very full of lame excuses. We are trying to fix the damage to our marriage that has been done, but it is very hard.<p>When I first found out about the woman he was iming on MSN, he acted as if it didn't really matter anyways. He said he wasn't sure if he still loved me, that our marriage had not been great for the last four years (no ones marriage is perfect-I told him that the road goes both ways on working on a marriage). He said that this woman was really nice and he felt sorry for her because her husband had cheated on her with her best friend and they then got divorced. He was more apologetic to her about lying to her than he was about what he had done to our marriage. He said he felt that they could really hit it off maybe. And would tell her that if our marriage doesn't work out that maybe they could get together - and she lives in Arizona and we live in Iowa!<p>So, my advice is this: Do not ignore the warning signs you have gotten from your husband. I think he may be going thru a mid-life crisis like my husband was and probably still is. Talk, talk and talk about what he is feeling and why he feels the need to talk to all these girl "friends" online. I'm not saying that you should track your husband on the computer, however I feel that is what saved our marriage so far anyway. I think if I hadn't of done it, then he would have gotten into a deeper emotional relationship with these women and may have tried to meet them. He is still angry that I tracked him, but he gave me more than enough reason to do it in the first place. I told him he could do the same to me because I have nothing to hide.<p>Good luck and I hope it all works out for the best.

It is definitely MLC. I went thru that tunnel myself for four years. I had the same feelings. Didnt' want tobe around the kids. Didn't want to do anything around the house. I was only looking out for me. My wife and divorced in July/2000. I made a very big mess of things and I've learned a lot with a lot more to go. I would also recommend a book by Jim Conway called Men in Mid-life Crisis. Unfortunately, I didn't get my hands on that book until it was too late. It explains a lot. My ex has read it also. She doesn't say it would have worked out differently between us but, she now knows where I was "hiding" so to speak. I didn't do the chat room thing but did have the all to common EA with ex co-worker. I never re-married nor did my ex. I want nothing more than to get back together. We have 700 miles between us though. Enough about my trouble. Get those books though. It's a long tough road through MLC but, eventually you do come out of it. Hopefully not before it's too late.

I *was* in a similar position as your H, and only 34 years old.<p>I've always enjoyed playing games in the pc (long before I met my wife) and eventually I played an online game without knowing it was addicting. . The game itself is trivial, but there is social interaction there, and finding out other people's online persona. Instant messenger is the same. The social intertaction is what is addicting.<p>Looking back, I've spent an average of 6 hours a day in a span of 3 years. With a wife and 2 kids. After our 2nd child was born, I told my wife that she can stay home and there should be no pressure for her to go back to work.<p>After a while, I felt that I work hard for them. Yet my wife had little time for me needs (SF mostly, we do have sex but I did not feel any emotional connection from my wife). SF may not apply with your H, but there must be some EN that he has not expressed, nor you know about. For me, the feeling of rejection from wife was too much on the nights I would ask and she would say no as if I'm in a sex quota, so I bury my thoughts in a game. I even met most of my online gaming friends (over 20 people) in las Vegas (went there with the wife).<p>Anyway, I think I spent all that time infront of the computer to get away from dealing with the issues. The online world allow me to show all my good sides. I felt bolder to express ideas because I'm really anonymous. It was like in "Cheers", it's a place where everyone knows your name.<p>My wife have expressed her concern and dislike, and it got me defensive. I would focus on my EN and every rejection would just put me back infront of the computer. Eventually, I notice that the computer is a lie, a waste of time, and an addiciton. I research my own help, and found MB to be very helpful.<p>I would first suggest that you speak with your husband. Print out items from this site like the POJA and the EN questionaire. I've told myself that who would argue about a life of "being in love." I guess that's my goal now, to make my wife "fall in love" with me as it was 15 years ago...

vtigger33, Just checking up on you. You received some very powerful replies. I know it was probably not what you wanted to hear. Please post again.

Doing ok. It is tough sometimes, but I always seem to land on my feet, no matter what happens. We have been talking more and it has seemed to help. After 20 years together this is the first time I feel we are really communicating. We still have some things to work on - but I know no matter what happens I will be ok. That is what I had to deal with to get past the negatives of our relationship. It actually makes me more confident and that comes out in our conversations. Keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks to all for your replies, they really helped me to understand things from others point of view.<p>[ April 20, 2002: Message edited by: vtigger33 ]</p>