It's finally hit me, I'm going to be divorced again... The loneliness and self doubt are hitting hard today.
A little background on me....
I was married and had a daughter when I found out he was having an affair and the OW was pregnant. After counseling and such, we decided to divorce. He is still with the OW and they now have a 2nd child.
I went on with life and eventually remarried to a guy I had known since 11 y/o, but had never previously dated. We had a little boy about one year into our marriage. I just knew this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Well, now it's obvious that I won't be...
My 2nd H became verbally abusive towards my daughter as she got older. He was raised with some verbal abuse, knew it was wrong, but didn't see it as harmful as I do. We attempted counseling, but it continued. Things would be alright for a month and then a huge blowout would occur. To me it seems that when he looked at my daughter from my 1st marriage, he saw my XH. MY H never agreed that I was disciplining my daughter "well" enough and almost always would step in. His style of discipline made me uncomfortable, and that was a huge source of stress between us. It's like he disciplined her out of being completely annoyed with her as opposed to disciplining her out of love. He agreed to stop disciplining her, but never kept that agreement. So, finally I've given up hope that he will change this pattern of behavior and decided to move out before any more emotional damage was done to my daughter.
I moved out telling my H that I did not want a divorce, but saw no other solution to this because he would not maintain the agreement to hold his tongue. It's as if he has diarrhea of the mouth! Once he starts he just doesn't stop! Well, he told me that if I moved out he would file for divorce. It's been a month and Tuesday he is meeting with the attorney.
I'm just so mad right now. I feel stupid, like a statistic, etc. I look at other men I dated before marrying him and just think of what might have been... I'm just so upset at how my life has turned out.. Now I am a single mom with two kids by two different dads. Just reading that I sound like a gigantic loser!!! I know what I did was right, because my daughters emotional health was being affected. I'm just so mad that my STBXH saw all of this and still wouldn't change!
Now I have to face doing it all alone again, and dang it, I didn't want to!!! I own my own business, and that is a source of stress. My pay isn't the same from month to month, so I don't know what kind of house payment I should look at. Right now I'm leasing for a year. Plus, my credit isn't great, so I'm trying to fix that too.
I just feel like life isn't all it's cracked up to be. Back when I was 16 I would have told you that there is no way this would be my life! I feel like I'm so stressed I can't even enjoy life. Like, what exactly is fun in life. I feel betrayed by too many people to want to try and form any friendships with anyone.
I've already decided that I will not enter into a relationship with a man at least until my children are out of the house. I don't want to EVER have to face blending a family together again, especially now that I have two XH's! I'm fine with that...I'm just mad that this is now my life!
Sorry to be such a whiny butt, I'm having a pity party today....
Married: 3 1/2 years
Me: 25
2 Children DD 5 1/2 (from 1st marriage) and DS 1 1/2
Seperated Since 06/01/04
Facing 2nd Divorce <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
<small>[ July 04, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: NotSoSureAnymore ]</small>
