hi everyone, I am sad to say that I really might be going through with this when the time is right. My husband has a lot of problems that he is not willing to get help for. He is addicted to marijuana and smokes pretty much daily. He drinks alcohol almost daily as well (doesn't get drunk most of the time, but I guess he is still considered an alcoholic). He has no intention of ever stopping this, and doesn't think it is a problem. He has found a whole group of friends that do the same things he does, so to him this is totally acceptable. I also think he may be suffering from some kind of mood disorder. We have been to two marriage couselors in the last year or so. The first counselor stated that he could not help us as a couple until my husband helped his own problems and had my husband come to counseling on his own. My husband went once alone, then would not go back. The 2nd counselor has repeatedly told me that he may be suffering from some kind of mood disorder or depression from the way she has seen him act. It seems that she has tried to sway me to leave him several times also. He absolutely refuses to admit there is anything wrong with him, and will not seek any help from a Dr. I even threatened him with leaving him if he was not willing, and he still wouldn't budge. He was ready to let the whole marriage go rather than let go of his stubborness and ego. He is verbally abusive to me and my children (ages 2 and 4) when he is in a crappy angry mood. If we get in an argument, he calls me names and swears at me. Since his work schedule doesn't allow us any alone time (another problem), we fight in front of the kids quite a bit, which has to stop. He has been abusive to my 4 year old son especially, teasing him and calling him names like a "jerk" or "baby", and even gone so far to break my son's favorite toy when he was angry with him. He accepts no responsibilty for when he is wrong, especially with me. He has apologized to me sincerely maybe 4 times in the entire 7 years we have been to gether. The only reason I am still in this relationship now is because he has worked on making some positive changes. Belive it or not, he used to be even worse, having uncontrollable road rage, getting into fits of anger and punching walls, doors, throwing things, basically being very agressive, rude, violent with anyone who pisses him off, especially me. He has improved with some of these these things, but he still has relapses. I get the overwhelming feeling that there is nothing I can do to help this relationship if he is not seriously willing to makes changes, including getting off drugs which are probably making things worse. I guess I am just posting here because I wanted to get a reaction from you all on whether these issues sound like normal issues that may be able to be resolved, or not. And, if he is not willing to change any of the things destroying our marriage, such as mood and drugs, can I really resolve this on my own? The only support I have is from my parents who quite frankly usually tell me to just shut my mouth and let this go on as long as he is changing somewhat for the better. what do you think-is there hope????

From one who has been there...

Get out. NOW. Your child does not deserve to be abused verbally or physically (you don't say if this is the case) by this man. I was in an abusive relationship for many years; my H drank constantly and used drugs occasionally, abused me regularly. When he began to turn on the kids it was time to STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM and get my children to safety. This man will NOT get help until he agrees there is a problem, and then chooses to do something about it. As long as his world is intact, he will NOT see that.
GET OUT OF THERE. You may be doing him a big favor, and I KNOW you will be doing yourself and your child a bigger one.

Good Luck

If you husband is an addict, you cannot use the Plan A approach described here. Dr. Harley says so himself. There is another rule here: Safety first. Protect yourself. Even if your husband is not hitting you, all his behaviors tend that way. Breaking a toy? Punching walls? Swearing fests? Bad signs.

I suggest you talk to woman’s shelter and prepare in case you do decide to leave. Abusers often turn terribly violent when the victim leaves or is about to leave, so you need professional help and a plan if you think you may need to go down this road.

A book that may help you is Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud. Or Boundaries in Marriage. They give incredibly practical advice. The authors tie everything back to the Bible which I found distracting. But it’s worth a read and will help you draw clear boundaries, which in turn with strengthen you.

My only caveat is that you should never follow any advice which you think would put you in a dangerous position. I can’t tell from your post if your husband beats you or not. So, I’m erring on the side of safety.

And, welcome to Marriage Builders.

thank you for your responses greengables and singing for supper. I truly appreciate the advice. the abuse is not physical, and in 7 years it has never been, so I don't think it would go that way at this point but I guess you never really know. I am having a hard time figuring things out in my own mind, because I guess like one of you mentioned, I am making excuses for him and holding out hope that he still may change. I think I minimize his behaviors in my own mind since I am so used them being a part of our lives. The sadest thing is, when he is not in one of his moods, he is so sweet to me and my children-that's what confuses me the most. he is like a jekyll and hyde. Even with that, I try to think back in my mind about the good times we've had, and although there are some, I mostly remember the blows ups, abuse and erratic behavior-that's what stands out in my memory. My counselor asked me what percentage of the relationship I would say has been bad, and my answer was 30-40% over the past 7 years, so I guess that is pretty high. I have made the decision to try to become financially independant from him, then ask him to move out when the time is right. It is killing me to be here with him for the time being pretending that all is fine, but I have no choice right now. Thanks again for listening, and if you or anyone else has more advice or support it is very much appreciated.