My husband and I have been married for 10 years this month. We met in college and life was perfect until after college when "real" life set in. That's when things began to change at least for me. I am in the National Guard and he has never been in the military. My entire family was military so it is engrained in my ever fiber. He has no real understanding even though I have always explained thing that we are doing or different concepts or what have you. Still there is always been something lacking because this is such a huge part of my life and not his.

Recently my unit has been deployed...twice in the last year and we are currently on our second deployment. The first deployment had a liberating effect on me and I admit that I had an affair. It was short, two weeks, but still had damaging effect on our marriage. We went through hell during the six months I was home prior to leaving again on this second deployment. We were finally getting things back on track when this deployment came along. However, even today issues come up where my husband brings up the past and what happened. His reactions and comments are meant to make me feel guilty all over again and I do. Now that I am in Kuwait though, I feel that this is not the time to have to deal with all of these issues. I am now very angry and recentful that he is still putting me through all of this pain. I am wondering if he will ever be able to get over the pain I have caused or if this is something we should let go. There is also a part of me that wonders if I am truly in love with him any more. Part of me wants a divorce but I'm not sure if it's the right answer.

Things are so complicated I can't seem to weed out my feelings. How do I find the answers?

Thank you for any suggestions you may have. I feel so lost.

i totally understand where you are coming from as my situation is very similar, i have had an internet affair, and despite not wanting to admit that it was an affair (as i have never laid eyes on the chap, nor touched him) i can see that as it took my mind and my interest away from my husband, it can be classed as an affair. it had a detrimental effect on our marriage and made life very confusing for me. I have been married 7yrs and lived with my husband for 7 yrs prior to that... depite the amount of time being together, about 4 yrs ago things started to change, it was the advent of children in our lives and he constantly let me down, or failed my expectations. he was also controlling and jealous for no reason, i had never been unfaithful (he had!) nor had i considered being unfaithful. at any rate, i met mr wonderful online and we became great friends and i began to idealise him and compare him to husband. im muddying the waters and confusing this issue for you maybe... but what im driving at is, i understand your confusion, it is also mine, i have to weed out all the things that make me want to leave and make sure its not just a temporary mid-life crisis thing or that it stems from my fling. try and recall why you fell in love with him and see if its still there. read thru the reams of pages on this website, its the most useful i have found... and theres tons on infidelity... you should see your issue mirrored in someone elses thats been solved...
in your hectic life, find time to be in your own head and go over all the reasons why you married him in the first place, remove the thought of your afair and ensure any affection for him is gone, as you will be clouded by that until it is. you have to realise that leaving your husband for the other man is a bad bad thing! statistically, its proven to be a big mistake... its hard to remove the thought if you fancy him at all, but once that addiction dies, you should be able to weed out what you really feel for your husband.

btw... im american living in england, i support our troops ...perhaps not the powers that be that got you there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but you are all serving your country and have each of your nations support behind you.

dont give up on your marriage yet, read thru the site and give your husband the chance to react as well, there is advice in here for him too!

good luck in weeding through your mess, peace and safety to you all in kuwait. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am very aware of not being in love with my husband. He was abusive for years, with the capstone being breaking my arm when I threatened to call the woman with whom in fact he was having an affair, and I never told anyone until the affair was exposed four months later.

We are going through the MB program because Harley has a program which he guarantees will create a feeling of love. I was the one who pushed us into this program, thinking it was worth a "Hail Mary's pass" to save a marriage which produced four children, but my husband is saying things now like "I think Harley's absolutely right."

It gives me hope. I hope to pass that hope on to you.

Cherished

Dochawk:

This has nothing to do with the military and everything to do with an incomplete recovery.

6 months is not enough time to recover. Your expectations of your husband are way too high. With you leaving again it has triggered all the pain of the affair. On top of that your resentment of him not being able to 'get over it' has alienated him even more.

Have you establised no contact with the other man and opened your life to your husband in order to reestablish trust?

Thank you all for the advise and support. I know that there hasn't been a lot of time between deployments but the affair, as short as it was, was over a long time ago and I have never looked back. I realize now that the "other guy" was not the reason I was wanting out of my marriage but the marriage issues themselves. After realizing this the "other guy" wasn't all that appealing either. For me, I need to be happy with myself first. I have given up a lot that I regret now. This is not my husbands fault by any means but there was never any support there in so much as helping me figure out how to make my dreams come true with all the added responsibility in life.

Also, I have needed and wanted a partner in life, someone that I can talk to about all of my life not just the parts he undestands. The military is a huge part of my life and I have not been able to talk about it or when I do it falls on deaf ears. That is a problem and we have talked about that but it's hard for someone who does not have an understanding of the military to really care much about it. But it's important to me.

We renewed our vows prior to me leaving on this deployment and have, for the most part, been very close. We communicate via email almost every day. However, I get blindsided by his depression and reliving the past when I am trying to deal with my own issues of being here. Where is the support? I don't know what to do or how to feel. I don't know that he will ever be happy with me again or be able to look at me without thinking of the passed. I think he has the right to be happy but I don't know that it's with me. And I just don't know how I feel about him any more. Please keep in mind this didn't happen over night or just while I was on deployment. Being away from home for an extended period just opened my eyes to how I am as a person when I am not there. When I am here in uniform with these people I am a totally different, totally outgoing person. If I try to do that at home it feels out of place.

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Dochawk ]</small>

D, unless you have tried everything to restore the feeling of romantic love, I would recommend against divorce. The damage to everyone is too high, particularly to you. How many men out there are willing to give their wives a second chance? Particularly if their wives have a lifestyle they don’t relate to?

Has it occurred to you that your husband may feel like you don’t understand or have any interest in his work?

Has it occurred to you that he may need your support as much as you need his? And in many ways, his need will be greater. He was an innocent bystander in the injury you did. If you feel guilty because he’s sick to his stomach, unable to trust you, YOU brought that guilt on yourself.

Dr. Harley recommends wayward spouses resign their jobs if the OP is where they work. You can’t do that right now. But, when you get home, maybe you can talk to your commanding officer about a desk job that keeps you at home with your husband.

I’m betting you think that’s overboard. Most WSs do. But, if you don’t want to feel guilty because your husband is hurt and depressed and doesn’t trust you, then you need to go to extraordinary lengths to reassure him.

Dochawk:

Have you been to marriage counseling? I might be a good idea to steer your husband to this site. It's a great resource for betrayed spouses. He can find support and ideas here to help him cope.

You both need to discuss your expectations and you need to realize that recovery takes a long time and emotions can be triggered years after the affair.

It's not easy putting a marriage back together after an affair, but if it's done correctly with love, respect and compassion it will be stronger and more complete than you can hope to imagine.