Peachy -

I know I haven't been around much ... busy busy with the kids ... but I do pop my head in every once and awhile and since we went through the same things around the same time, I thought I'd put my two cents in - for whatever they're worth.

My therapist has said, as well as many others, that it's wise not to make any relationship decisions until at least 6 months into a relationship because the infatuation is still so strong, which makes sense to me because that's what Marriage Builders says about the affairs - that the infatuation for affairs (or any relationship for that matter) can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.

So, I think that it's perfectly natural to be thinking about a lasting relationship while the infatuation is going on, but as far as making any lasting committment, I would be cautious and stick to what you know and have learned about relationships.

Please make sure that in any relationship that you have, that you are getting YOUR needs met, and know and feel comfortable meeting the needs of whoever you are with.

And please make sure that you are using good communication skills with any current guy you date, because the way you communicate with him before marriage and before committment is the way you will communicate with him after marriage. And after reading your post I was wondering if you really wanted to be married to a man that you would have to do a 180 with on a regular basis. Or if you wanted to marry a man with whom you could not have a normal open conversation about your feelings with - or someone who could not tell you what he was doing for the weekend. From my experience, just know, that any current guy's personality probably will not change, and if he is quiet now - for example not talking about his weekend with you - then he will act the same way after marriage, and you need to know if you can handle that type of personality.

You may want to reread some communication and relationship books and make sure that you are practicing good healthy relationship skills and not continuing habits picked up from you dealing with Jethro all these years. And if the guy is right, he will jump at the chance to read them with you - unless you don't want that kind of guy.

Not meaning to sound preachy peachy, but I just don't want you to make any mistakes that I have seen happen to others, and, whether it's true or not, it sounds from your posts like you are having to play too many games with this guy to keep your happiness.

Anyway, stay strong, keep learning and growing, and having a good time with your son, and may God continue to bless you.

K

GIIC: Kay! I am so glad to hear from you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Do you still have my email addy? I miss you and have thought of you lots....Thanks, your advice is good. Not to throw the baby out with the bathwater until we see where this is going. YOu're right. Exactly right. I am so glad you stuck in your .02 b/c you're awesome!

And it is probably the endorphin or hormonal thing that is making me want to settle down w/RR. Newness thing. And I need to let things ride a while and not worry and just date him and also date others as well...

We didn't talk friday night and I went to the party and had a blast! We played taboo and trivial pursuit; guys vs. girls. About twenty five people there. Never laughed so much in my life. And it was great.

Talked to RR yesterday afternoon as he was on his way in to ER for call. He said he'd come by and we'd do something if he doesn't get swamped...supposed to go off call at midnight but if cases come in close to midnight, has to work them until they are finished or else until somebody else comes in to hand them off to. We talked two times last night and we watched southpark together. He had a slow period about ten and he watched it in the lounge and I did upstairs. Turns out working in my clinic area on friday did him in as he said he fell asleep after getting home on friday and woke up about 11 pm and then went back to zzzz.

I am kinda proud of myself. I understand now that I am not infallable peach, that I have a tiny bruise or two...one is that I get all bent outta shape if I am not treated as I DESIRE AND BELIEVE THAT I DESERVE to be treated. I think I've raised the bar waaaaay too high...and that was placed that high after Jethro. Plus I am also the queen of getting passive aggressive when I perceive things aren't going my way. Soooo. that being said, I am going to do what you said to do K and just give things time...

As for the six month thing..He first asked me out in november. But as I wasn't legally divorced yet, I didn't act on it. We've been friends now for 9 months. But dating since early April. And it was funny b/c I didn't even realize he was asking me out at first at all...I thought he just wanted to talk or have a margarita after work...like I do with my girlfriends. Being solo for so long and outta the dating scene for almost a decade can make you rather naive...

So I am going to give it time. But not waste mine either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks peach.

Wishing you all the best - but don't necessarily think that you've set the bar too high. I think you deserve to be treated like a queen.

IMO the difference between past relationships and new ones, are that they survive the bumps and bruises through good communication, and being able to say I'm sorry and that I'm committed to doing better, and then actually attempting to do better. This is not always easy to find in males, who generally only react to situations and emotions - such as jealousy, which usually makes them step up to the plate some, but it's important to find out their true personality type so that both they and you, but most importantly, they, understand what they need and how they think that you can provide it for them for the rest of their lives based upon what they need to do for you to get it. It's just emotional maturity, and many men have not achieved it because they aren't tuned in to their emotions like women are. Sometimes I think it's amazing we even get together at all.

Really glad you had a good time the other night. Continue to have fun and enjoy the dating. You deserve it!

K

Vent is back....

So far we've not seen each other this week...RR that is. But we talked when he was admitting patient in ER and he again in front of the hospital staff said "well I miss you sweetie and am sorry I am so busy"...

We are really busy. Today worked on the record number of patients...wouldn't allow any more of the studies done today that I do. I was more than exhausted and he's across the street at the hospital and he's in over his head seeing the equivalent in number to an entire floor of patients just himself not to mention covering for some of the other docs..but we're not talking as much as it would seem over the last week.

And I am going out on a somewhat of a date on friday night. Going to go to Pirate Cove's Golf w/son and the cute other guy I used to see...the one who went to college w/my sis and bro in law (no, not hilltop neighbor..he's history in my book)..He's being all nice and caring again. And on the internet scene? Well, have agreed to get cup of coffee after church w/guy who's an airline pilot, age 36, and also an a major in the reserves...Divorced 10 years ago and has 12 year old daughter. He's really cute and has this whole "iceman" thing going as he reminds me of Val Kilmer in Top Gun. Methinks that I have something for men in uniform...i.e., scrubs or pilot uniform..And the guy I am seeing friday used to be in during college in Army...although a businessman now.

I broke my 180 and briefly spoke w/RR today. I called him. But he called me yesterday. Gotta stick to it. Am going to try so will EVERYBODY PLEEEEZE GIVE ME A 2 X 4 UPSIDE MY HEAD so that I can stick to it?

Here's the dilemma now. Ok. Have lined up the other dates. Am going to give it a go. But I am going to admit something. ...I really, really really like RR.

The other two actually make more $$, are a bit more cute, but I have it bad for RR...I never ever thought that I'd feel anything again at all..Now I am thinking too darn hard these days to get all foggy and declare RR's the one, he could be but might not be. I will refuse to be led around by any foggy neurotransmitters or hormones or endorphins or whatever in the heck makes people act stupid and all clingy. Nope.

What is wrong with people in their 30's and older? Is it that we've been burned all by that time and that we think too darn hard? Or that some guys just cling to their bachelorhood harder now?

My best girlfriend told me something today that's got me a bit well...stoopified. She said, "well RR is almost 32 and you're 35..he could easily swing five years in the opposite direction and date a 27 year old or a 25 year old." Now that hurt. Below the belt b/c xh is married to the 25 year old wistress. I do not look my age but have more responsibility than 25 year olds. I used to never even think of this crud before...Then again, I have been the charter member of the Convent of the Celibate Sisterhood...of which about four of my girlfriends are members of...and occasionally they resign from the CCS but always seem to return...except for my friend Missy who got married in April. I am still...sister Superior of our girls' club..

It would be nice to get demoted in the darn club..If anybody out there, girls that is...here wants to join our dating woes club, the Convent of the Celibate Sisterhood, join up...Rules are, you can drop out occasionally from membership but only for a seemingly good relationsip...no casual stuff..or you can get married and resign and be like Maria in Sound of Music...lmao.

We need to form a brotherhood for the guys out there who have dating woes like us...who live "in tha monastery" during the sep/divorce period and follow MB...I did this for 1.5 years and was in limbo for a year prior so I've been a darn member of this stupid club I didn't want to be in in the first place.

ARrrrrrrgh. Why can't RR just come out and say what he wants??? Why??? I am the fan of the 180 and am going to continue that..the acting happy, contented and as though I've had a revelation that I'm moving on w/my life with or without him and am dating around etc..He doesn't know about it but today @ work, got a cell call from the cute college guy I will see on friday...My coworkers noted this..and I am sure it will be relayed to RR by virtue of gossip or osmosis...

Hey Peachy!! Just wanted to tell you that I got a great kick out of reading this thread! Sometimes it seemed like you were back in college. Look at it this way, you aren't being ignored my men and that has to be fun! Do as someone else advised and take it S L O W. Nothing good comes from rushing a relationship.

Curiousity questions. What dating service/s do you use? Do you like them? I've never had the nerve to use them. What to give any of us gives the scoop on how best to use them and which ones? You can be our dating advisor! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks TFS...

Only thing similar to college is lack of money...lol...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I am giggling hilariously. Used the big dating site. Yea, the one starting with "M". Pulled profile off as I keep getting hit by guys who are twenty years older...Hmmm. Reminds me of what my x has done ???

RR is behaving himself and being charming all over again and will explain in the giant Jethro vent below.

But here comes da vent...

A WARNING: BIIIIIG JETHRO VENT.

Son was to return on wednesday from a FL vacation w/Jethro, Family Values, her child and my child. Jethro calls on Wed to say he isn't going to be back as "they had so much rain that he extended their hotel stay in Sarasota". Well my oh my. Just extending his visitation time too without my permission. Just go ahead and do that and don't ask me ok? So I tell him he will ante up and give me another full day w/son. He agrees but gets an attitude.

Today after work son is brought to front door by Family Values. Ironically she is on walkway and usually son will walk up and ring bell and come in without her exiting the vehicle (same one and same color I used to have ironically)...I open the door and she runs up and says "son scraped his bellybutton on his boogieboard and it might be infected but I am not sure. I put some stuff, antibiotic on it but thought you should know. Not sure how it happened." She then runs off.

I look at my sons' stomach and his belly button is half innie; half outie. But it is red, swollen, and obviously infected but not that bad. Some areas where the skin has been scraped off it. Appears almost herniated. Very swollen. I ask son @ how it happened and where daddy was and where family values was when this happened. He said "they weren't there". I asked who was watching him swim in the ocean and he said "Miss Michelle, my babysitter for the vacation". So my son was stuck with somebody. A stranger for a week. The dad and step weren't even around. Plus I don't even know if she is cpr certified or anything.

Immediately I clean it, put some hydrogen peroxide on it and then put some neosporin on it and cover it up with a large bandage so that the medicine stays in place. It's kinda ugly looking and with my med knowledge, I know it needs to be watched. I call RR and ask him. He's out with his friends doing the usual trivia thing on thursday nights. Earlier today he came in at clinic and we spent about 15 min. together and we got along great. He was completely supportive and made darn sure it was obvious on the call that he's trying harder now. He said that "I will do whatever you need me to do and I will come over tomorrow or saturday and check him out."
He then says it's completely irresponsible for his dad to just not be present when his child, a young child is swimming in the ocean and that a babysitter watching TWO small kids isn't the best scenario. He said the ocean water could have infected it. Said for me to take son swimming actually as the chlorine would be good for it. I said that "well people pee in there". He said in my subdivision pool that when he swam, the chlorine level was very high...and that it would be fine. Just to put more antibiotic on it after he swam tonight and to clean it again w/hp. We ended up talking for some time and he was very sweet and much more wanting to talk about my son and why he is upset over what the x and the wistress did yet again. How he think's he's irresponsible and that we should wait 2 days after giving the neosporin and making sure it's cleaned out with HP and with clean bandages before going to a pediatrician. That if he runs fever, gets listless, or if it looks worse in any bit, he'd be here any time of the day within 30 min. He said "poor little man. I was wanting to see him soon again, just not this way. Tell him Mr. Rick is going to take care of this if it gets worse." Surprisingly, he showed me a different side again. Same side popped out tonight. Just like when we were on the greenbelt here in Atown with son bike riding, RR rollerblading, me jogging...Some mountain bikers flew past us and almost hit my son and RR almost sprinted on the rollerblades ahead (i was running swiftly behind but son wasn't that far ahead. maybe 20 feet). He ran up and was so worried about him. Then when the bikers came back down same path, he stopped them and told them off basically...so he has a paternal instinct somewhat and it's good to see that.

RR said that "well I understand getting a babysitter now and then for a trip, but not the whole trip. If you have a family then be with your family. If you're taking a couples' trip, then leave the kids with the grandparents. How hard is it for some grownups to figure this stuff out? I mean your x hasn't and he still hasn't stopped procreating yet. What a dork."

Going to zzzzzz. Am on bellybutton watch for next 2 days. If it's worse by sun and not responding to the above,will take him to Children's...

Gosh I had missed my boy so much. Am sooo at peace now he's back home in his little bunkbed.

Hey Peachy-

I'm glad your son is back at home with you. Isn't it amazing how empty life is without them? I hope his belly button clears up. Ouch!

As for the vacation sitter. I am going to play devil's advocate here. I know you are upset and I would be too, but just because your son said he was with the sitter when it happened doesn't necessarily mean that Jethro and Family Values left him with her the whole time. I personally don't get the idea of bringing a sitter along on a family vacation either. Either take the family vacation as a family vacation or leave the kids at home. However, I am hearing of more and more people doing this and most of those who do it swear by it. Who knows, just keep in mind that although highly doubtful it may have been a solitary incident.

On another note, I'm glad RR is behaving himself. Just remember, take this slow, there is no rush. Also don't let the fact that he is a couple of years younger than you throw you. Sure it means he could go younger, but he could go older too. You have to judge him on him, not on what ifs.

I do however agree with GodisinControl about the game playing. It seems you are putting in a lot of effort to keep things going with RR. Why the mind games? Do you really want someone who can't be open and upfront with you and do you really want someone who you have to keep playing the 180 with? I don't know, but I would definately keep my options open if I were you. By the way, have I told you to take it SLOW? When it is right, you will know it, there will be no need for playing the field and using the 180.

Well, I better run. Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!
K

I wanted to chime in real quick and say that when I was married, my then husband and I would take the kids on vacation and spend most of the time with them, but a couple of times during the week we would hire a babysitter to watch them. All of the good hotels offer this and I've never had a problem with any sitter. We mostly used them during the evening hours so we could have alone time.

It really is a matter of how much I guess...

Thanks guys...and what is making me angry is the fact sitter was paid by Jethro (who claims he has no money) and that she was there all week.

Imho, when you have two small children ages four and five, you don't leave them with a sitter and tell them to go and swim in the ocean. It's hard keeping track of one child muchless two and if you're not somebody around the child all the time, you might not be used to their actions. Plus I don't think it's safe to leave a child swimming in the ocean with somebody other than a parent...too much room for an accident.

I have also used babysitters when on vacation but for specific occasions and have thoroughly checked their backgrounds, retrieved drivers' license information and home addresses and numbers, and also demand CPR certification as well. But I don't go on vacation and pay for one the entire time I am there on vacation with my child.

You see, when you get 2 very selfish people together, why would you expect anything but selfish behavior from them both? Not only did they have a sitter for the two children there, they left the baby back home with relatives as well. Imho, they should have just scheduled their trip on weeks when son is visiting his dad (her child) and when my son is with me and then they'd either carry baby with them or get grandparents to watch baby and then they can get the time alone the foggiest ones need. But whenever has my x been rational or sane?

I get email today saying from xh "when does your xw decide to move on with her life and be decent to the woman who cares for your child?" I replied to him that I was decent to her and even thanked her for telling me about the bellybutton accident that happened w/the babysitter. Although she didn't tell me the part about the babysitter and when it exactly happened...Ended email with "don't flatter yourself please."

What planet does family values live on? I am decent and nice and it's for sake of son. I am short as I don't consider her a friend nor ever will. I consider her immoral, uneducated, and she along with the x has brought havoc into our lives time and again. Personally, I believe it is she who has the problem with me b/c I did no such thing. Think it's a jealous new W who has a problem with the xw in that I'm not the ugly, stupid, degenerate of a woman that my x describes to me..To add more to the brief encounter, my son says before the visit is even ended, "mommy her baby is crying in the car. She needs to go to the car". I say "I know the child is crying, you need to go take care of that and thank you for the information." Now how is that mean and nasty? I don't think so.

But it will be a COLD DAY IN HELL when I let that woman in my home. Like the story about the scorpion who asks the frog to carry him over the river. Both xh and her are toxic people and those kinds I don't keep in my life anymore. If it makes them happy to imagine that I want her husband, then so be their little fantasy. We all know my x is cheating on her and if imagining all the decent women in the world are after him makes her feel better about herself then so be it. As for him, he can quit the stupid displays w/no shirt off and continued baraging me w/emails so his insecure wistress should feel better. Ironically after his short and stupid email, he sends me a political forward that he says "I should give a copy of this to my friends in my political club" and then gives a few paragraphs of a critique of the situation...Maybe he is the one who needs to let go and move on.

Bellybutton is doing better today btw. Before his bedtime I cleaned it and dressed it again. Did again this am and at the daycamp they did it again at lunchtime as per my request and son concurred they did this too. RR is being nice and I think we both went thru a bit. He called to check on son today and said he'll still come by to check on him. j

I am just still getting on with things and being happy on my own. In the end, maybe it's I who am reading too much into things with RR. Sometimes after living a hell like the one I did for three years, you have to remind yourself to shake it off and that most men aren't like Jethro nor are ever gonna be. Sometimes I still think I am always on the defensive. Why? The x is still always up to something and you just get used to being on guard all the time.

Peachy-

I hear you loud and clear. The idea of a babysitter by the ocean for two young children like that is so scarey. Consider your son extremely lucky that it was only his belly button that got hurt. I am glad it is healing nicely as well.

As for Jethro's comments on you getting over things and treating FamilyValues nicely, whatever! You have been civil and even that shouldn't be expected. I have heard the same thing countless times. My XH has even told me that I should be grateful and thank his new OW wife for all the things she does for our kids. Whatever! Hello, thank her for what taking care of her husband's children. The same man she had an affair with when he was pregnant with the youngest. Sure. Actually in my case I probably should thank her for taking the loser off of my hands. Anyway, I love this selective amnesia that they have developed and all the fantasy land ideals that come with it. Stick to your guns Peachy, we're with you!

Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks.

And ironically, after the stupidity of x, he sends many "hilarious" emails to me and then gets to trying to be friendly in them. It's wierd. He is getting wierd. He backed off in the last one. He's bored as it would seem.

But so was I for reading the stupid things.

He actually said in one of them that "she" was not one of the reasons we divorced. Yea. That's the ticket. I blasted back but said that I was having a good night and not into negativity before my nightly bubble bath. He waaaay backed off ...

I am not going to spend my friday night chatting online with my foggy xh...Not exactly the kind of friday night I had expected...But son is with me and I don't date when son is here. Not at all. son's first period.

Bellybutton is much better. Checked it an hour ago.

He's so cuddly. Little fella has given me about a hundred kisses tonight and am so glad he's home.

Peachy-

Jethro seems to think a lot like my XH. Mine is so sneaky and manipulative though, he would never put his stupidity in writing. If GA and WI weren't so far apart maybe we could throw the new wives a mutual admiration party - sure!

I guess we really should count our blessings that we have our children and that our XH's are just that, XH's. Granted they both are doing a great job of making our lives a continual roller coaster, but we both have come a long way and now see through their lies.

I wonder how amazed our XH's are at the women we have become compared to the wives they controlled and now the loser wives they've ended up with. I hope they are eating their hearts out.

I am glad your son is home with you. I am glad he is healing nicely. They surely are God's greatest blessings. Granted I have four, but they are all wonderful in their unique ways. I truly can't imagine life without them.

Have a great weekend.

Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks K.

I have a huuuge question.

What is the difference b/w dating now in my 30's vs. earlier? Why was it easier other than the responsibility thing (no kids then)? I don't get it.

Am getting ready to go to the pool and hang out w/son after we have a salad for lunch.

Been designing and getting things together for my son and I's trip to FL first weekend in Aug...

180 still going on. And I sure wish you, R, would come down yonder and take a vacation...Nice down here btw.

Help me figure out why dating now is harder period. Why are guys more reluctant to commit? I don't get it. Just don't.