Hi there. I usually post under General Questions since the majority of questions I have deal with infidelity and recovering. For those of you that don't know me....quick recap. H an I together for 11 years. Two boys. H and I always had "problems" in our M. Quite rocky I guess. Worse state came two years ago after H met OW at work and proceeded to leave me and live with her and have an on and off relationship (Affair) for about a year. Lots of lies, betrayal and multiple ddays with same OW. She finally left him for her now husband. I *think* he has been faithful over the last 9 plus months. So far, so good in that respect. Here's my dilemma.

The state of the relationship leading up to the affair was dismal. H works on and off "on the road" and has some very expensive habits. He's sort of fly by the seat of the pants type--big spender, no worries, etc. Occassionally does some really stupid things. I am the EXACT opposite. I work mega hours close by home and worry about everything. I'm your classic overachiever and he is your classic bad boy. Because I am the only one that has steady anything and work in public safety...needless to say money is always a sore situation. He'll work and make beaucoup $ and spend it all in the matter of a couple of days. There's no saving for a rainy day etc. He take money out of my account, promise to replace it and then viola $320.00 in bounced check fees. (We average that every couple of months.) When I freak out about the finances, I am love busting for sure. He used this an excuse last time he left. But this is what he does....says over and over he's sorry. It won't happen again. He loves me. Nothing changes. So yes, now he is being faithful but we are right back to where we were pre-A. I am really certain at this point that I can't have everything. I am also remembering a point in my life when I met him and thought that the relationship would never be long term because of his reckless attitude. I should have listened to that little voice in my head. The pain I have endured has been unrelenting. I don't know what to do next. My head is telling me, to end it for good. But I know the pain of seeing him with someone else and not having him to hold. Then, there's the boys--they can't keep seeing us go back and forth.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before or I am just a fool who needs to get out now while I'm still young enough to save for retirement???

I personaly don't think that money is a reason for D. I know that there is more to it than that but your post almost sounds like your are considering D because he is financialy irresponsible.


I suggest the two of you seeing a financial advisor. Maybe it will show him how important your financial security is to you and it may also be a way for him to learn how important it should be to him

WIWH

Hi,

After reading your post, it sounds the pain is just to deep, and wondering how you really feel underneath it all. The money issues are important and can be certainly handled constructively by a good advisor.

It sounds much deeper in your heart and soul. Have you checked in with your own heart values, and feel that you have felt love, cherishment, respect.

The reason I say this I went through a great deal of repression and deprivation of my own basic needs for years. I felt I needed to become un numb and listen to my own pain and unfillment.

I had to really face my own deep dissatisfaction of terribly unhappy I was and dispirted, but could make the best of bad situation most of the time. The union just dragged me down.

A man who is unkind, to his children is what drains my heart account in nano second.

If I used the "needs based model" as my guide, I am sure I could have easily "justified" having quite a few affairs, had many opporuntities to do so. Since many of the invites came from my XH own friends for years.

As a warm blooded human woman that I am, it was sadly disappointing to live with a cold hearted, selfish, miserable person, his affairs well did more damage of course.

Many of these men certainly had their own unique charms, attractions I suppose, that would have patched up many leaks in my XH is so many departments which he wasn't providing on so many levels.

Sad to say he wasn't overall a vg husband, lover, father, provider, protector, person. Negative, loathsome, full of self pity, violent, immature, cruel, tryrannt, controlling, basically weak and very unmanly.

Enough dynamite to send me running into any other man's arms but not what I am about nor was I a saddist. I didn't enjoy his poor mistreatment either.

Not too attractive if I were to be honest with myself.

The word "no"-- committment, conscience took care of those situations. But not my character to deliberately hurt and harm my relationship with God, my children and myself. Not that I am perfect or better, we were just mismatched because he chose to be that way.

I had strong feelings of being ambivlant. I needed to connect with my self and ask GOD to fill those deep voids. I am much human as my XH.

I think if a marriage is too, heal properly those feelings might need to be looked at too. Not a licence to cop out, or act out but to feel your own souls hurt.

I guess the adultery hurts our pride more than anything. But to get past that and decide what we want is just as valid.

Just my imho, few cents worth of peanuts to consider. What's beneath the immediate issues, what are your needs, wants, desires, dreams.

I found repression wasn't the answer. A good inventory helped me much better. I am person and human being but how I choose, what I choose will bring blessings or cursed consequences.

Living with the negative disastrous consequences of my XH for all these years is enough. All he knows it seems is to be negatively destructive.
Sad to report but it wasn't a joyous experince.

Worth doing a mid life review, and many things too, could be provided by myself, had their been even the basics.

Take care,,,

Thank you for your responses.

WIWH, ah, if only he would do what the financial advisor would suggest for more than a day! I think its great advice but I'm afraid sometimes being financially irresponsible also includes being irresponsible in other areas as well. The finances alone would not be enough for me to walk away. He actually went to school to be a financial advisor at one point. He also went to school to be a firefighter and now is considering teaching at a trade school. I just wish he would get a permanent job with a steady paycheck! He could flip burgers and I would still love him.

SD,

As I read your post, I could have wrote it. I'm sure the dynamics would be slightly different; however the overall tone is the same. I should be allowing, God to fill those voids. And I do need to re-evaluate those needs, goals, etc. The sad thing is that I express some of the goals, etc. out loud to my xWH constantly. He smiles, agrees and it ends there. I'm not sure if he just doesn't care or if he just considers his needs more important. Again, I feel that the family as a whole is losing out due to HIS prioritization. I've been the doormat for so long...can't seem to get out of that role. Perhaps it's the years of being last on the list. His answer is to be like Nike..."Just Do It! As a mother, to me that is impossible. If purchasing something for myself means that one of the boys will do without...I just can't. And by now, I am sure that you know it goes much deeper than that. For the love of God, I don't know how he can be that way. He seemingly has no goals and when he does he doesn't stick with them and they change frequently. He thinks I worry too much. I guess we are at a crossroads. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Nine

As I read your post, I thought you were talking about my M. My H is in a different line of work, but the end result is the same. In his field, he has chosen to be under- or unemployed through most of our marriage, instead trying to fly solo in his own business. All the while, he drove us and his business into six figures of debt with his spending and irresponsibility. You are so right when you say that financial irresponsibility and irresponsibility of other types go hand in hand. That is so much the case with my M. The person who does this is selfish and cares only for his own wants and needs. Has your hubby ever been evaluated by a Psych professional? Often people who behave this way are found to have Bipolar Disorder. You mentioned having no goals - same for my H. I cannot fathom having no goals, because I am an action-oriented person. He has been content to let life happen to him, rather than being the captain of his own ship. Lays the groundwork for blaming everything on outside factors; it's never his fault. Sound familiar?

With all respect to the previous two replies, I get the impression that they have never been in these shoes. Maybe I am wrong, and if so I apologize. It is easy to say that getting a financial advisor will help. It won't unless the spender will follow the advice. You can lead a horse to water... you get the picture. This person is addicted to spending. It can and will destroy a marriage with the collateral damage. As much as alcoholism or drugs can do, so can overspending. I do not believe that any person should have their financial well-being dragged to the depths and trampled continually for years on end in the name of love. There are limits. This behavior bespeaks much deeper problems, and noone should have to put up with being completely disrespected on any level. The non-support of the household and in fact the sabotage (intentional or not) of the household finances (see bounced check fees part of story) is a violation of basic trust. How can you stake your future on such a person?

GNine, however this works out for you, know there are people who do understand where you are. It is an awful feeling to know that you cannot count on the man you married to be supportive in every way, financially and otherwise. (((((Nine)))))) I always needed a hug when it got really bad, so here's one for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: Singing For Supper ]</small>

Thanks SFS. I really needed that hug. Right back at ya. I'm sorry you feel the same way but glad I'm not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />